Relationship advice - GF & her ex

[Dadjoke007]

Been in a relationship for 9 months now. Both of us around 50, 2 kids each, teens, similar ages. Met last summer, I was a few months out of long relationship and she had only been single a few weeks after a long distance relationship (she had dated him at uni too).

Things have been great - we had instant attraction, got on so well. We have the perfect balance of independence but being together, live a few miles apart, kids get on, been away a few times including kids and all good. We have opened each others eyes to new activities as well as having some in common. No arguments and we just click.

Trouble is she has been having some doubts of late after ex got back in touch. She feels she didn't fight for relationship (he finished things) and there is still some attraction which I get as he did leave wife for her 2nd time around and they dated at college.

She has been pretty open with me and we have been able to discuss and even joke about it but this is killing me inside. We had been away for a couple of weeks and yet met up the next day as we both missed each other. She keeps saying how nice I am, she feels bad as she knows (her words) I give her everything she needs, am supportive etc.

I have tried to take this lightly and not put pressure on her but I feel the only thing to do is to encourage her to meet him and see what happens, if its meant to be its meant to be. Maybe the spark or attraction is not that great, maybe it is.

We have both said that subject to all the detail (kids, finances) we would be happy to love together so its not that there is anything wrong between us, just that she seems to have feelings for two people?

Not really sure what I am asking for here, anyone been in similar situation, I feel like giving an ultimatum but that will not kill the problem?

So, a week or so on… the next day (from my last post) I went to hers and we had the most amazing sex ever. Then we spent the day together Sunday on a long walk and anyone watching would have thought we were just a happy couple very much in love.

but Monday she seemed a bit distant and saw her last night. She is still saying she could see a future with either and he is down this weekend.

what’s really getting to me is that she is in love with me and has been saying that all week. She can’t fault the weekend, has doubts about ex but he is still in the frame. No idea what this weekend proves or not. At least if she said she would go for him as he has a bigger bank balance that would be logical and make some sense. But if I try to look at this impartially (and she has admitted this) part of the reason he is still in the frame is because she has guilt about how they ended and that it didn’t work. That for me is the killer. Go back to someone sure, but guilt imo is not the right thing.

hardly slept last night as the evening just had that bit of finality around it.

She's really messing you about, isn't she? What a saga it's turning into.

I would tell any woman being treated this way, "they're a headfuck - dump", so the advice is the same.

Does he know about you?

She is keeping you hanging as a fall back for if it doesn't work out with him and justifies it because you know about him and know this.

You are worth more than that.

If she can't decide, meet up with the other man and sort it out between the two of you with a gentlemans agreement. He might be very surprised to know you exist at all.

You are giving this way too much thought when it is actually very cut and dry.

She should know 100% that she wants to be in a relationship with you, that nobody else (not even an ex she has a lot of history with) should be able to turn her head.

I know you love her and it's hard, but you need to raise your bar here. She is not in the right hesdspace to be in a relationship, period. She won't fully commit to you so you need to dump her. It doesn't matter if she's feeling confused or has moments of missing you - she is playing games. You're just going to drive yourself crazy trying to analyze her and you can't. That isn't going to help you.

She's been saying from the beginning that she hasn't been feeling it as much as you/she thinks that once the honeymoon period is over the spark would go etc (which is not something someone would be concerned about if they were really into you and had healthy relationship standards). This saying "when someone shows you who they are, listen" phrase really applies here. She’s been indicating all along that she wasn't as into you or that she has commitment issues. So don't keep plugging away at this, you are flogging a dead horse.

Don't wait around for her to make up her mind because she never will. Even if she chooses you for the now - she still has doubts about you 9 months into this relationship and they will continue down the road. Dump her.

I genuinely think that was a red herring. Her trying to justify it to herself. I really believe she thought she was tempted to go back but then realised how much I did mean to her, hence this confusion. She is not the type to play games willingly (ie to stroke ego).

by her own (and her dd) admission, she has never been treated or cared for as much and it’s set a new bar. But this deep seated thing with her ex has messed that, it was dormant till he got in touch.

the sex was intense and so passionate, but for me the Sunday was most telling. 9 hours spent out and there is no way anyone could fake how we both were. It was the perfect day. After that I thought it must be ok but this confusion still reigns.

@Spirallingdownwards yes, I am thinking that. I can’t compete with this history or gut feeling she has for him. What convinced me was that last night she rang and we spoke. All happy and was “not sure” about him coming down this weekend, and that our weekend was great. I decided to drop her an email late last night saying how confusing this all is and that I can’t go on like this this, as well as raising my concerns about stuff she has said about him v good things about us.

reply this morning blew my mind, yes she agreed with what I said but he is coming down tonight “as I just need to convince myself of the reasons it won’t work with him”. WTF… that is rubbish. So that does make me a fall back option. That she is willing to meet up again for that.

she sent that first thing. I have not bothered to reply. I am absolutely gobsmacked at that. And I will not be replying tomorrow. Maybe too late but I am done.

That’s what a mate said. He said imagine her telling a sister about me doing the same thing….

When a person is not sure about me I let them go.

She's playing you off against each other and she's loving the attention. She must be giving him plenty of positive signals too, not just telling him she only wants to see him to get her head straight about them breaking up. It's sad, but true that one of the biggest natural highs is having two potential partners (or more) compete for you. Either she loves you as a person, but also loves his dick game, or she doesn't really love either if you but is a branch swinger. Currently you're enabling her behaviour/this situation to go round in circles, the only way you can take control of it is to push her away and remove yourself as an option. It sounds like that's happened a few times so far, but only temporarily - every time she's given you a whiff of attention you're straight back at her feet like a loyal dog. The only way to change the dynamic is by not showing her the interest when she comes back to. Your only hope is to make her think she's losing/lost you. At that point she'll either try harder to win you back or chose the other bloke (if that's what she's ultimately going to do anyway). You could try telling her you're looking at dating other people. Again, if she really wants you enough, the thought of losing her chance with you, or having competition, will bring her back if she really does want you. If not, she won't care what you do.

reply this morning blew my mind, yes she agreed with what I said but he is coming down tonight “as I just need to convince myself of the reasons it won’t work with him”. WTF… that is rubbish. So that does make me a fall back option. That she is willing to meet up again for that.

Ouch.

Sounds like you're ready to let it go. Hope you're not too upset. 💐I'm sure there's someone for whom you'd be a shoo-in, and you deserve that.

Oh blimey. I'd just wish her well and move on. SO much teenage angst from her that it's become slightly ridiculous.

She's behaved really badly and yes, is probably loving the drama of playing two men off against each other. I could not be arsed. Life is far too short and she (and you) are far too old for this silliness. She sounds addicted to the adrenaline rush of examining her feelings and agonising over everything.

I would end the relationship and delete her number/block. You can't stay 'friends'. She'll keep dragging you back in for as long as you let her. Wish her all the best and look for someone who isn't this full of drama.

I am upset - partly because everything was so good last weekend - it feels like there is something deep inside her that wants to make him fit, yet a number of people have said to her how much happier she has been since we met including her kids. Like I said, if he had a better body that me (and she wanted that) or he has more money (and she wants that) fair enough!!

Am sure there is someone out there, but the strange thing is that (once I remove the pain of financial settlement and kids) this has hit me far harder than the end of my 22yr relationship. We just matched on so many levels, outlook, career, general nature, attraction...

But, sometimes something happens that makes you take a step back and this has been it. I feel I have been patient and indulged more than most would but I can't keep doing it.

I think it's quite often that the end of the next relationship after divorce is really painful.

I don't know if it's unresolved pain from the divorce coming back to the forefront or whether it's the crash from what you hope is a new start/new life. I think mostly you can be ready and prepared for the end of the marriage while the new relationship foundering is more of a shock?

Anyway, sorry it went that way.

Honestly you sound like a thoughtful and caring person so I am sure you will find your person soon.

I agree that sometimes the relationship breakup after the divorce is harder in that when you divorce there is the hope you can find someone, the realisation that you did and all will be okay and then suddenly it isn't - again!

But keep on being you and working on your self worth. Hopefully then you will find someone worthy of you.

Thank you.

yes, there is something about being low after divorce and actually it’s even better. The marriage was over and it was easy to let go. It’s just that feeling that she was the one. In that silly way you list things you want in someone and they tick everything.

@category12 no hang ups from marriage, other than learning from mistakes made so it is what you say. End of marriage was known for some time and there is shock this time around. Added to the thing where in marriage i made mistakes but not here.

@Dadjoke007 I'm so sorry you are in this position and you have been so patient and understanding too, maybe too much so.
Her ex is giving her nothing and yet she is making herself available to him.
Time to take yourself out of the equation and show up for yourself. Let her see what she has lost.
You will find someone who loves you and choses you all the time...you deserve nothing less than this.

Sounds like the scales are now dropping from your eyes.

She is messing you about and you have been letting her do it. You are worth more than being the back up guy here. What she is doing to you is unfair and unacceptable and speaks poorly of her character and likely future behaviour if you were to be in a longer term relationship with her.

You may have feelings for her, you may be sexually compatible, but you need to value yourself more than those things and not accept poor treatment by someone who should not be in a relationship she cannot commit to.

My reply would be simple:

"Thanks for your honesty here but it is clear that we are not on the same page about our relationship. I'm not prepared to be anyone's second choice or accept someone who thinks it is okay to behave this way towards me anymore. I wish you every success with your ex and give you the freedom of truly being single in order to pursue that relationship by letting you know that things are over between us."

Thanks @LuckyLinda3 @Eleganz

proof how I have failed… was at my/our local this evening (was on my way out to see a mate). Walked out pub with 2nd drink and she was walking past (on a walk). I awkward, she comes over and we chat for 5 mins. Awkward as her ex is round, so we see how each other is and then she heads off. Part of me is torn between being running after her telling her to tell him to go, I am the one etc or just to say feel free to pop round tomorrow. Guess who did the later. I know what she will say, she is choosing him, in a perverse way I need to hear that. But as soon as I saw her all rational thinking vanished.

Aw @Dadjoke007 you are obviously so in love with her but you really do deserve better. I can't see things working out with her ex but she's determined for whatever reason to try.
I still think it's best for you to step back, especially for yourself, this is a soul destroying position to be in or put yourself in.
Look after yourself and keep posting for support.