Relationship advice - GF & her ex

[Dadjoke007]

Been in a relationship for 9 months now. Both of us around 50, 2 kids each, teens, similar ages. Met last summer, I was a few months out of long relationship and she had only been single a few weeks after a long distance relationship (she had dated him at uni too).

Things have been great - we had instant attraction, got on so well. We have the perfect balance of independence but being together, live a few miles apart, kids get on, been away a few times including kids and all good. We have opened each others eyes to new activities as well as having some in common. No arguments and we just click.

Trouble is she has been having some doubts of late after ex got back in touch. She feels she didn't fight for relationship (he finished things) and there is still some attraction which I get as he did leave wife for her 2nd time around and they dated at college.

She has been pretty open with me and we have been able to discuss and even joke about it but this is killing me inside. We had been away for a couple of weeks and yet met up the next day as we both missed each other. She keeps saying how nice I am, she feels bad as she knows (her words) I give her everything she needs, am supportive etc.

I have tried to take this lightly and not put pressure on her but I feel the only thing to do is to encourage her to meet him and see what happens, if its meant to be its meant to be. Maybe the spark or attraction is not that great, maybe it is.

We have both said that subject to all the detail (kids, finances) we would be happy to love together so its not that there is anything wrong between us, just that she seems to have feelings for two people?

Not really sure what I am asking for here, anyone been in similar situation, I feel like giving an ultimatum but that will not kill the problem?

Its all mixed, both are failing at radio silence.

She had some ironing of mine she was doing and said she would drop off when I was at football. I had left her a card saying thanks, some treats and a note as her daughter has a medical appt on Mon saying I wont message but thinking of them but I dont need acknowledgment or a response.

She did say thanks (ironing was still warm which made be blub as must have missed her) I just gave a 2 word replky with the shop then she told me about the car she had bought today.

I didnt say much other than I was at a pub in her village (next to mine, my pub is rubbish) and she replied with a pointless (as in that would be fine if we were normal but it was chit chat) message and I replied with a similar one!

I am resigned to a permanent no though.

Drop her. Don't let her offload to you about her ex who dumped her, and likely will again after a while when she goes back to him. She doesn't respect you and to be honest, sounds like a silly person. Speaking her ex into life in your relationship, and getting you to talk about him too FFS. Ridiculous.

Tell her to go off and work things out in her head, decide what she wants. But don't let her use you.

People are talking round the houses here. If you were a woman saying your man kept talking about and dithering over his ex, you'd be told to dump him. I dont know why you're putting up with your partner going on about another man, but it will do you no good whatsoever. Waiting to be picked is not the way. You may be hurt if it ends but you'll get over it if you allow yourself to, this is not someone who's been in your life for years

This.

Sorry you're feeling bad, I think keeping someone around you have feelings for who is ambiguous is going to make things a LOT worse.

Don't be the fallback guy she uses for attention.

Do some self-care and build your confidence up and focus on yourself, don't hang around doing her favours or being available if she needs a shoulder to cry on.

If she messages either ignore or shut them down and don't give her your personal information or details of what you're doing.

Give it six months to a year and be patient and things will look very different.

There will be some very shit emotional moments but don't get breadcrumbed by her.

Say YOU meet someone new and available and it's going well and she's single, she may blow up your phone to sabotage this, then still not be available.

Thanks all for the input - mind certainly is allover the place. Update:

So yesterday I was walking between our villages and I sent her a message saying I needed to talk and she quickly met me. We then walked 2 miles, sat and talked a while and then walked 2 miles back.

I told her I owed it to myself to tell her how I felt and to try to understand why and a little more came out. She has been feeling really sad and had been missing me. Things between us had been so, so good. Two things came out, one was again this "I worry after the honeymoon period you wont like the mundane" but saying she still gets butterflies when we meet.

The next was not so good, she felt our spark/chemistry sexually was not where it should be. It was not bad but just didnt feel right, and while that didnt seem too much of an issue the ex getting in touch has made her think back. She did say that sometimes she wants me really bad but we can go 2 weeks without sex, and then twice in 2 days! Most of the time she climaxes so it's not awful (and yes, I can tell a fake). She makes a bit of thing about how we are different, I am evening she is morning.

I do agree a lot of the time it does feel a little bit... not sure on the work, awkward/nervy, just not as natural and flowing as everything else. I explained my views:

1- With her ex they saw each other just at weekends travelling a few hours to be with each other, often no kids so the whole weekend to themselves. We often have kids around and I am still a bit cautious when her kids are in the house (less so mine) - so is it fair to compare as when we meet its more 'normal', evenings round each others, we also fit in friends and kids stuff at weekends so we dont often get that sort of time
2- Neither of us bought this up which is one thing I regret. My thing was that everything else was so perfect I just wanted to ignore how I felt in case it messed things up. We have talked a bit about what we liked but settled into a routine. I did as a bit of a joke buy her one of those books with sex vouchers in (i.e. this voucher gets you oral pleasure, do it in x position, use rope etc) at Xmas but she never used it.

If everything else is so good why not at least work on this area now we are talking about it? Anyway, we talked and talked a lot about the good things, we were touching and hugging and walked back hand in hand. She then suggested a drink in the pub which is not too common so we did and then I walked home - 3 hours together, maybe a touch less?

Agreed to keep quiet and not messaged last night or today. She is going to pop in after work Thurs and talk. I did throw the idea of us just going away Sat for a night and giving us time, and she is not sure on that.

I know that Tues is normally a free night for both so not sure whether to suggest a meet then or if thats a bit too soon?

I do take on board peoples comments about the ex but it genuinely has been a good thing. Everything she has said (positively) she has said for pretty much all the relationship so I do think she is just a bit confused.

Who knows, it was good to see her but really miss seeing how her day was.

Update: Looks like it's over. Met again Tues night and had a lovely night and we both stuck to silence on Weds, then I get a text this morning saying she has to come to a decision and cant continue, not doing any of us any good, she is worried that meeting up later will see her melt in my arms wont want to leave, cant fathom why to leave something so good.

She is due to come over later after work but I cant see a way back now. She has had far less contact with her ex than I thought but it eats away at her even though I gave said not to listen to guilt. On a quick call this morning she was in tears about it. I think she really is torn and she says she thinks she loves two men.

I am just so worried she is doing this out of guilt, fear or trying to minimise hurt. I know some will say she is letting me down gently but I know her and can tell what and how she is thinking and I know she has doubts about letting go the relationship.

To be fair, have not got much to tell her later, heart is always on sleeve and aside from making sure she is certain with this not really sure what else I can add

Basically I think if a person can't decide between two potential partners, that person doesn't love either of them enough. This is a delicious drama triangle for those inclined that way, the best thing you can do for yourself is to not play the game.

Keep your dignity, fella.

Ha - failing at dignity massively at the moment! Thanks though.

It was more that she couldn't carry on with me while having this 'feeling' and needs to see if that is her 'destiny'. Like I said they have a lot of history and it was overall a good relationship which maybe could have been worked on rather than broken up.

She came round last night and it was a lovely closure. Talks, hugs, tears but all good. We have an amazing friendship as well as attraction (just the attraction is stronger with someone else). She is a genuine person and she wishes that she did not feel like this about both of us (just the one).

So we will not see each other for a couple of weeks, and then hopefully meet socially. She will be seeing how it goes with him and its for the best, surpassing feelings will result in more pain further down the line. She is an amazing person so while half of me hopes it ends in tears, I genuinely want her to be as happy as possible and if thats what it takes then so be it. I am still friends with an ex from 25 years ago (brief relationship though) and I hope that we can still be very close friends.

Bit of an update on this. We had agreed to not see each other for a couple of weeks but would message. Nowhere near as much as we did and often just chitter chatter but some nice stuff said too. Like she beeped me when I was running and messaged "sexy legs".

Then on Tues I get a message saying "Struggling, miss you so much", so she comes over for 30 mins after work and we talk and hug and kiss. We also went for a walk and a drink last night.

She is confused. He was someone she had a chemistry with. They petered out last year and I think there is some guilt over that, I don't think there was closure, she wanted to talk about it, he didn't. When we spoke she said that she was not excited about him coming down, and was already speaking of small things that annoyed her - the fact she can't be bothered to ring him back, and various other things... but I do think she has to meet him to either settle this in her mind or to make a go of it with him. I do think she is still feeling low about us too.

So my mind is all over the place now. Have no expectations, just need to get through this weekend and hopefully catch up Weds after he has gone. All through this we have talked really well, no anger, just looking out for each other.

I know this makes me sound weak but I cannot help how I feel. I could walk away if I wanted to but like seeing her and suggested we meet tonight. We live in the next village to each other and twice this week she has beeped do worry at times that she is maybe trying to be nice to help me, but things like that message were totally out the blue.

This weekend will be tough, I am going to be thinking of nothing else but hopefully she will have a clearer idea next week of what she wants

You must be starving, because all she feeds you is crumbs of affection. She simply doesn't like you enough otherwise her choice would be clear. She is not 'yours', she never will be.

Find the person who will commit to you and build a good life with them.

I know you're determined to hang on hopefully, but have you really thought about the impact on you if you did "win" and she decided to pick you after all this?

Won't you always be insecure? Always aware that you weren't the simple choice, that she has doubts and you're a bit interchangeable and disposable?

It just seems like a shit start to anything serious.

That is something I have thought about and in a weird way actually see it as stronger? Had she dismissed him straight away, knowing what I know, there would always be that 'itch', that not knowing. IF she was to choose me I think there is that comfort that I could have been proper dumped but have managed to win though in the end. But who knows, next week jealousy could kick in?

Was round tonight - my idea, and while we were sat together holding hands and touching legs, nothing else happened and she did seem slightly more distant. Maybe it's not wanting to lead me on or thought about the weekend?

She doesn’t love you, or at least not in the way she needs to for a relationship to work.

It might be she likes a love triangle drama, or (as I think more likely) she sees you as the “head” option and her ex as the “heart” choice. She knows she should prefer a nice, understanding guy she can communicate with…but if the spark isn’t there, it isn’t there.

Her “soft endings” could also partly be because women of her age were/are very much socialised to let men down gently. I think she probably genuinely doesn’t want to hurt you, but it’s doing neither of you any good to be constantly replaying this loop.

In your shoes, I’d tell her it was over because you’re worth more than waiting around for her to stop shilly-shallying between you and her ex. And mean it, not in a hopeful “pick me” way of making yourself seem unattainable. End contact. Maybe in months or years you can be friends, but not now.

I’m sorry. It hurts. But she doesn’t love you the way you want and need her to.

You sound thoroughly decent. I would, personally, leave it a month before contacting her to swap stuff back etc. A month is a decent amount of time to give her space, and you, without being long enough for it to seem weird to get back in touch.

For what its worth, I don't think this long distance on-again off-again relationship where he doesn't get on with her dd is going to work out for her. If it was going to, i reckon it would have by now....but I don't think you should wait around, and if she comes back I'd want to know she has stopped engaging with him altogether.

She sounds awful. You say your morals align as one of the reasons you liked being with her but you also said in your OP that she was the OW in her last relationship - so she is someone who got involved with a married man who left his wife over the affair 🤮 then I assume dumped her when he presumably regretted it and now she is stringing you along on the back burner to boost her self esteem while probably throwing herself at this bloke that she can’t take the rejection from.

The whole thing sounds messed up and you would be better off well out of it.

Thanks all. Really sound advice. I think the head v heart Sirens said is bang on. Still unsure how much “nostalgia” there is there.

I am going quiet on her now.

So, an update on the above:

Did go quiet (after meeting for a drink on Sat - I was at 'our' pub and she joined me for one). It was a bit emotional and this was the weekend the ex was coming down and it felt tough, the end of it.

Anyway, no messages as promised, I was away for a couple of days although she did like my FB pics of trip.

She comes over as agreed yesterday after work, all braced for 'it was an amazing weekend, they connected so well'... Started with a bit of chit chat, my weekend, kids etc... then I asked about it. It was 'ok' - there was a bit of spark, there was lots to catch up on, bits that annoyed her, he is very keen to get back to how they were, still has some concerns over them etc..

So after all that still in limbo. She admits she still loves me and is just so confused over both of us. I had said to myself if she said that I would back off and say she needs to make a decision now, but I can't shut that door.

We are due to walk on Sunday so will spend a chunk of time together, but she said he is due to come down again the weekend after so I do need to push gently that she needs to decide one way or another. May even try to see her before then if possible, she is finding it tough to lose those feelings for me and is genuinely torn between both. While that is not something I want, at least I have a chance so have to stay in the race so to speak!

I think I noticed you posting that you have experienced some emotional abuse in a previous relationship. Apologies if it wasn't you, and I think it's possibly bad form for me to bring it up in this thread - but I do think it might be relevant to why you're doing the pick-me-dance with this woman. You might find it helpful to address previous EA experiences with a counsellor or perhaps talk with ManKind.

You deserve to be chosen whole-heartedly and not be "racing" some other bloke. You deserve better than this.

Sorry, I would end it. There's too much uncertainty and it sounds to me like she is not really committed to you - which is fine, but means that this is a waste of both your time.

Yes, although to be honest I see emotional abuse as something different to what many see on here. Not saying it's right or anything just that I didn't see either of us shouting at each other and giving silent treatment etc as that, we both gave as good as we got. We argued a lot at times but 90% of the time for many years it was a good relationship. Just at the end, the people we were and what we wanted had gone in different paths and we did start to resent each other. So yes, some would claim it was, I would say it wasn't!

I have been trying to look at this philosophically. She loves me, I love her, some feelings get triggered in her from her ex and she thinks she needs to explore that, so lets me down as that's the right thing to do. But she realises it's not as simple as that and she likes me still. She really cannot decide. Yes, in a way that's tough but if she did not love me then it would be easy to move on with him.

Maybe they are destined to be together, maybe its looking back with nostalgia... maybe it's making her realise how good we are??? So, in a way, I do feel loved and almost that this is a bit like an affair which people can get over. She is confused and I think I love this person too much to through in the towel just yet. She is not playing us off against each other and will not be having a 3-way either. I know emotions are complex and different to other parts of life but sometimes you need to check the other path before continuing with the one you are on.

But to answer, I don't feel abused - I do feel let down with some behaviours in my marriage, some she did and some I did. When I have been dating before I have been quick to nip relationships in the bud when I have realised it is not what I want so no attachment issues

Two things came out, one was again this "I worry after the honeymoon period you wont like the mundane" but saying she still gets butterflies when we meet.
The next was not so good, she felt our spark/chemistry sexually was not where it should be. It was not bad but just didnt feel right,

She is really just talking shit. You don’t get butterflies for someone you don’t have the right spark with.

She has actually told you several times and in several different ways she’s not into you. The ex is a red herring. You need to leave her alone.

On the sex thing I just felt we didn't really talk too much about it, and there is a spark there but I think she felt that was bigger with her ex. I don't know whether she was trying to justify anything.

And no, she was the one last week who messaged me saying she was struggling and missing me so much, she is tactile when we meet. She is the one who suggested an activity this weekend.

Today for example she works in my village and just popped over for lunch. All nice, and then when we were talking she reached over to me and kissed me, told me she loved me and we went on to kiss quite a bit, and then saying she wanted me so much but obviously did not have long. So, no, it's not about me leaving her alone like I am some form of pest, she is in to me but confused. And I cannot tear myself away - which is my issue at the moment.

Kimdly..she is playing you off against one another, and you are letting her.

Whilst I know it is possible to be torn between two people you have feelings for (been there, its very confusing) she isn’t playing fair…because anyone who TRULY cared about you wouldn’t keep reeling you back in and then pushing you away.

She’s an adult. She should be taking space from both if you to sort out her head and leaving you free to find someone who is certain about you and has your happiness at heart.

Please stop putting yourself in the position of playing the ‘pick me’ dance. Its undignified and will kill your self esteem.

You are utterly sure of what you want, but in this case I dont think you’ll get it, and letting her treat you like this will only lead to her disrespecting you…and maybe even playing you off against someone else years down the line who she DOES feel that spark will fully.

You are worth more.

She likes you. She likes that you like her an awful lot.

She will NEVER commit to you. If it doesn't work out with her ex (assuming he is actually her ex, would not surprise me to find out he thinks they are committed), then she will find someone new. The whole 'confused' thing is just her means to string you along, from the outside it is honestly as plain as day.

She doesn't want what you want. Not today, not tomorrow. You are a lovely toy, nothing more. Please, find someone else who does love and respect you, you seem a decent man - there are plenty of decent women who live within a few miles of you that could make you very happy.

You're like the relationship equivalent of an estate agent's chain. You're the one at the end of the chain in rental waiting for everyone else to pull their finger out.

After your update, I'd bet a pound to a penny that she's not the one in control of deciding if she and her ex get back together. She is to him as you are to her. She's keeping you as the 'safe' option in case he decides to move on from her, while talking a good game to you that it's "so hard" for her to decide.

Only you can decide whether that's enough for you. Whether you could live with knowing that she doesn't have the 'spark' with you. Knowing that even if you see off her ex, sooner or later there'll be some other guy who does kindle that spark for her.

It wouldn't be enough for me, and if you value both your self-esteem and having some security in your relationship, it probably wouldn't be enough for you either.