Marriage: is it being mis-sold?

[OrmIrian]

There have been a few threads recently about infidelity and being the OW. And I have seen the sentiment uttered many times that it's better to end one relationship, before starting a new one. In principle I totally agree.

But that makes the assumption, doesn't it, that there has to be something wrong with a marriage for infidelity to happen. It seems to me that these days, marriage is sold as a romantic ideal, between two people that will remain 'in love' forever, have amazing frequent sex, always want to be together as much as possible, always laugh at each others's jokes and never fart in each other's company . Whereas actually marriage is not really romantic long-term. It's a contract to make two people stick together through all the crap that life throws at us, to bring up children in stability and make a stable economic unit. The in-love thing is great but not essential and probably won't last. Gilt on the gingerbread. If the divorce rates keep on rising, is the problem with marriage, or with our expectations of it?

If that is the case, surely there doesn't have to be anything fundamentally wrong with a marriage, for the prospect of sex with someone else to be an attractive prospect. It doesn't mean that the marriage is on the rocks, it just means that the passion has faded somewhat (as in most cases it does).

Not stating my opinion, just thinking out loud really. Do we mis-sell marriage. Or is monogamy an impossible modern ideal?

nice post!!

i think monogamy is definitely an ideal (probably always has been rather than a modern problem) just that these days it's easier to fall into situations where affairs can happen - more women out at work and independent - glossy media telling you all the time how much you are missing out on - people's greedy have it all attitudes (me included in this of course) - technology like email and text making it easier to keep in touch - pressures of modern life

who is "selling" marriage?!

(dodgy russian website IME)

Pointing out first that I am writing this from the angle as a marraige involving kids- if it doesn't I dont think it matters much what you do, you can only hurt yourselves.

I think marriage is often mis sold- there seems to be this ideal of continuous courtship which for most people is impossible to maintain amongst the humdrum relaities of day to day life. I am fortuante enough to be still 'in love' with my hubby, but there have been times when I have disliked him intensely and if we were nto married, I'd have probably ended it. i think that's what marriage is in many ways: a hard contract to escape from. or it should be at any rate.

I don't think that monogamy is impossible though, just because something may be ahrd work often means it is more worth striving for. I think its unrealistic to goa round and expect not to be tempted, but thre has to be a cut off where yous ay nice idea but no thanks. At elat, for me there does- other peoples relationships are different.

If you're not geting on ever, and dread going home, or especiallyif your DP is violent, or has issues youc an't deal with (eg drink drugs) then get out and thank goodness for divorce. But I know so many people who say thinngs like 'I just didnt fancyu him as much as I did when we got together and I deserved more'- well actually i think your kids deserve more.

Marriage is a contract with an exclusivity clause imho. There's nothing wrong with thinking that someone else is attractive, or that sleeping with them with be the single high point of your sexual experience. Actually doing is more than having sex, it's breaking a trust, it's disregarding the feelings of a person you've made that deal with. As far as I can see, if you are willing to do that, then there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship/marriage.

However, I might be agreeing with you because I wasn't someone who got married in a cloud of romantic bliss We got married when I got pg with DS1 because it seemed to be the most sensible thing to do from a legal standpoint, nothing actually changed after we did it so we had no expectations to fail to live up too (iyswim)

So, yes marriage as a big romantic hooha is probably missold and no, monogamy isn't impossible (although you might have to exert a bit of will power)

Shall I do a post randomly strewn with all the odd words I missed out of the last post? I must remember to preview!

I think too many people have unrealistic ideals about so many things in life.

Without wanting to sound like my gran - i do believe it was better in the 'olden' days. I think a lot of the problems are to do with respect (or lack of). And a general 'greedy' attitude. I think there has always been affairs but whereas in the past we would have supported each other (certainly in my grans street - where everyone looked out for each other) today we tend to think it is not our place to get involved of others lives.

So for me it is about teaching respect from a very early age in all areas of life and to form a code for ourselves to live by.

I dont think i would have an affair - not becuse i dont fancy having sex with someone else but because i respect my h, my children and myself more.

Hmm, but isn't infidelity one sign of being 'sold' a romantic notion of marriage? I mean, if you expect everything to have to be perfect (incuding your partner), you have an excuse to look elsewhere if you're going through a rough patch. The 'I deserve a soul mate' idea, which is perfectly fine in a way, as long as you expect your soul-mate to be a fallible human being just as you are

actually, 'I deserve' or even 'I don't deserve' is a major issue for a lot of things, isn't it? Two extremes of selfishess and sticking yourself in a rut...

I dont think there has to be something wrong in the marriage.

Affairs are a break of trust but then so are lots of things - like hidding debts/gambling/abuse - the list is long.

People do change and learn - a true marriage is one where people can learn and grow together - but if this is not possible then they need to be grown up enough to end it in a decent way - not in the messy way which most affairs end up being.

i dont think marriage is mis-sold but i do think people go into it with the wrong ideas sometimes

we had 2 readings at our wedding which i think sum up marriage perfectly..hang on...will find links...

sod it will cut and paste instead

Captain Corelli's Mandolin
Louis de Bernieres

Love is a temporary madness,
it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together
that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness,
it is not excitement,
it is not the promulgation of eternal passion.
That is just being "in love" which any fool can do.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Those that truly love, have roots that grow towards each other underground,
and when all the pretty blossom have fallen from their branches,
they find that they are one tree and not two.

Thing is, we're not animals and are (or should be) quite capable of controlling ourselves. So yes, marriage is quite dull at times and I am sure most people would want to spice up a humdrum existance with a bit of a thrill, but we should be wise enough to not be led by our loins and to think of our whole life and that of those around us who are affected by our actions and work to sort out our problems without flinging our knickers across a car park.

Yep. I think that says it all.

"that it is inconceivable that you should ever part" Particularly that bit. It's not something I could ever imagine, no matter what happens.

The risk comes when that has happened and you think you can still get the 'blossoms' elsewhere.

I think there should be more 'on-going' support too. We often move away from family and the support that can bring.

Young people however will always think they know best and not always take advice. We live and learn.

It is too easy to divorce and move onto the next 'mistake' but then it is equally easy to get married.

I also like the KJV translation of 'love' in that famous passage in one of the epistles I can't remember as 'charity' in its broadest sense - any successful marriage needs a large dollop of kindness on both sides

across a car park?

and i thought flinging them across the bedroom was exciting

I think marriage is a big party with legal advantages. I don't think it matters if people without children split up. I think once you have children, you should do everything possible to make sure that they are happy - it should be the children that encourage you to make the effort, not the piece of paper.

I value a long term relationship over the momentary thrill of infidelity with somebody who probably looks more attractive because you don't know them that well. Having been unmarried with a child and married with a child, the ceremony has made no difference to our relationship, except giving us a formal date to organise a week end away together every year.

Re: marriage being about being in love, most of my contemporaries got married after knowing and living with their other halves for quite some time, so I think the rose tinted specs had been lost by then. However, some celebs seem to get engaged very quickly in order to secure a photo deal/extend their celebrity, and maybe this rush to have a wedding has a slight trickle down effect on the rest of society.

I cro 13 (just googled)

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

there's one by shakespeare that essntially says the same thing ie will see if i can find it...

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

voila

cultured, moi?

hecate - i understand you, but i think we ARE animals

marriage and other codes of conduct are human inventions we choose to live by or not - as it suits our situation - i am beginning to realise that i should not be so shamed or surprised that i and others behave like an 'animal' sometimes - sexual desire is a basic need

probably going to be shouted down for this...