Partner has a "conquests" list

[MrsJim]

Please bear with this as it's quite long, and I don't know how I feel about it.
So DP and I have been together for 6 years, both have children from previous but none together. We work for the same company, him in the office and I WFH. Let's call him John.
Last week our computer systems were updated and I had to take the laptop in so it could be connected to the cloud (I don't really know what that means or entails but I just know I can still get onto work stuff from home).
When I got home, I could see the files on the system were updating but there was a list of documents that had already gone over on the file explorer tab.
One of these files was simply titled "conquests".
We all know what that means, but why we would have a word document titled that was beyond me. So I opened it.
The title of the first page was "John's Conquests".
It was at this point I realised my partner had got a word document on the work system documenting every single woman he had ever had even the slightest moment with. Numbered in chronological order, names and a brief description of the relationship or encounter all there to see.
Luckily for me, it seems the last entry was 10 years ago, I don't really want to know what write up I'd get!

So now I'm confused and don't know what to think. I feel disgusted that someone would even consider writing a sexual summary, let alone someone I share my life with. But at the same time, it was last updated a long time ago.
He doesn't know I've seen this but it's been playing on my mind and just need to know if I'm going mad or it's a genuinely bad thing.

Gosh, I’m surprised at all the “vile” comments! I’ve got one of these - I met my husband at 19 so it’s a list of all the boys I kissed mostly! This wouldn’t bother me at all as long as he wasn’t being disrespectful or showing people etc.

This was on a WORK device?!?!

@MrsJim if it’s a word doc and you can open it, do so then click the File tab then Info and it should tell you the last modified and actual creation dates.

I once "dated" a man from a West African country (dated as much as one can date a polygynist, as I discovered).

When we parted ways after I visited him in the UK (he split his time between home country and UK) he had a camera with him (before mobiles had cameras, late 90s) and wanted to take a photo of me. I found this very odd and inappropriate and mind boggling, given the visit had gone increasingly shittily - mainly because I discovered his polygyny - repeatedly. I thought it was extremely unlikely we'd ever meet again and was stressed and pissed off after the visit. When my reaction was negative, he desisted from taking a photo.

A year or two later I went to teach TEFL in the Far East and my neighbour happened to be from a West African country. He was very friendly etc and I went along with an acquaintance for various reasons. At one point, while in his apt, he brought out a photo album .. entirely filled with photos of women he'd been involved with.

There was not one photo of anyone other than a women he'd dated or fucked or maybe even hung out with.

It was - essentially - a trophy book.
Women being the trophies.

I realised the man I'd dated from the neighbouring country had intended to take a photo of me for his trophy book, especially since he knew we might not meet again.

I think a man who thinks like this - about women and about sex - is not someone you want to be in a relationship with. That's the most diplomatic way I can put it.

I don't know if they just look through them and congratulate themselves, or wank .... Or (having got to know several men of that type from those countries) I'd suspect they actually show each other them.

It's pathetic.

It's objectifying.

It's sex and women as 'conquests" - exactly like op's partner's title.

I found it particularly uncomfortable given that the guy who was going to the a trophy photo of me treated me like shit (though no worse than any woman he involved himself with), seriously disallusioned & almost traumatised me as an inexperienced 22 yr old, and gave me a parting present of an STD.

i imagine the women in my neighbour's trophy book were possibly similarly angry and bitter and disallusioned about their involvement so it's just so ... Distasteful.
It reflects so poorly on them.

It’s a bit cringey and I can see why it’s off putting but I’d try to put that out of your mind. You read a private document on his laptop. I suspect we all have embarrassing and stupid things we’ve thought or written in private. If my long term partner challenged me over something they’d read in my private diary 10 years before we met, I’d think I was better off without them, frankly.

I realise it’s not necessarily that easy to forget it, one of the many reasons it’s better not to snoop.

I also think it reflects very poorly on their self esteem.

That it matters so much to them, that it's so exceptional they need to record it, that they think it's an achievement.. it sort of makes they seem like sad asses. That is very unattractive too.

It's a turn off that he recorded it, and at 37 (!)

The notes about their tits ..... 🤮

And he's also a absolute dickhead for saving it on a work drive. Which is also a turn off.

Also tbh meh like him have a punter's mentality.

Women are sweetie shop sweets/restaurants/experiences/conquests ... Not really the mentality of someone you want a meaningful relationship with.

This isn’t a private document and the OP did not “snoop”. This document was saved to his work system for all his colleagues to see.

one of the many reasons it’s better not to snoop.

Many a person has been saved years of misery and gas lighting etc by a snoop.

Though she wasn't snooping anyway. And I don't know anyone who'd not open a document named conquests out of curiosity. That person doesn't exist ... Well, only in MN.

This happened 10 years ago! Are you really give him a hard time for such a stupid thing?

I don't understand the issue. It was a private, silly thing he probably did when he was bored. We all do dumb things sometimes. I'd be more concerned that he would be silly enough to save it where it could be seen by others.

He is stupid for having it on a work computer and yes cringy, but given it includes his feelings regarding the situation/relationship is it really much different to diary entries?

He was nearly 40.

Well within time to stop being an immature creep.

This would only be acceptable - if even that - for a teenager or early 20 something at a push. Even at that age .... I don't think anyone who slept with them or was in a relationship with them would be comfortable with that if they found it.

Also he may have typed it up ten years ago ...but he's such an absolute wanker he's kept it on a work drive ever since.

That's a whole other kettle of fish.

If work colleagues had reported it ..it was details of sex he had and his partners' tits for fuck sake. It should never have been near a work drive.

You said it yourself. "Well within time to stop being an immature creep."
He stopped didnt he ?

For the life of me I can't see what the benefit of digging this up is. Just the leave the past where it belongs, in the past.

Personally, I think it's a horrible thing to find amd I can well understand why you feel the way you do about it. And I'd feel similar.

However, pragmatically, is it really any different to keeping a diary? We all have private thoughts, memories, day dreams, fantasies that we wouldn't want our partners to be privy to - emotionally harmless or otherwise.

We've all got mental notes of something similar. I've made all kinds of nonsense shit documents when I've been bored or am processing thoughts/feelings. I wouldn't keep them on a work device tbh but I think that's his only real error here. Otherwise, it's just idle musings.

And as for the poster who suggested it made him unsafe to be around children

If it hasn't been updated for 10 years, he's probably forgotten it's even there anymore.

Tbh, I think I'd probably mention it. He'll be embarrassed and it'll take all its power away.

Have to laugh at the pearl-clutching in response to a document. It’s like the least seedy method of being a bit Pervy. Yes it’s naff and embarrassing, and the title is cringe. But other than that he has done nothing wrong- unless his colleagues can indeed see it.
@MrsJim laugh it off, he’s not that guy now. But maybe give him a heads up if it could be seen by others or do him a favour and just delete it into non-existence and be glad you are his final “conquest” 🤣

Are you able to hit the delete button?👍

I think you'll find MN pretty split down the middle on this one. As some have said, a list with details is on par with a diary, and you wouldn't begrudge someone for keeping one of those. I know one woman who has a list by country, and another who has a list with sizes and ratings!

You can't tell him. It was obvious what the file was, and it was clearly private. If the number wasn't obscene and was well within your tolerances, I'd just forget and move on.

On its own, no biggie... The issue for me is the word 'conquests', as that is demeaning.

You can think of past relationships one by one but don't ever put them into chronological order.

Send him an email titled "all hail conquering hero!!" and advise him to delete the file from work folders.

Why?

Can't you log in and add yourself? Give yourself a high review.. Then say nothing...

Have you read Sherlock Holmes, the Illustrious Client? That's exactly what Baron Gruner had. It didn't end well!

it’s old and disused list. I’d have to have quite a secret joke about it. … maybe give him a new list entitled conquests … ironing his own shirts, taking the bins out, cooking your favourite dish

And this !