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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner has a "conquests" list

94 replies

MrsJim · 17/04/2024 15:55

Please bear with this as it's quite long, and I don't know how I feel about it.
So DP and I have been together for 6 years, both have children from previous but none together. We work for the same company, him in the office and I WFH. Let's call him John.
Last week our computer systems were updated and I had to take the laptop in so it could be connected to the cloud (I don't really know what that means or entails but I just know I can still get onto work stuff from home).
When I got home, I could see the files on the system were updating but there was a list of documents that had already gone over on the file explorer tab.
One of these files was simply titled "conquests".
We all know what that means, but why we would have a word document titled that was beyond me. So I opened it.
The title of the first page was "John's Conquests".
It was at this point I realised my partner had got a word document on the work system documenting every single woman he had ever had even the slightest moment with. Numbered in chronological order, names and a brief description of the relationship or encounter all there to see.
Luckily for me, it seems the last entry was 10 years ago, I don't really want to know what write up I'd get!

So now I'm confused and don't know what to think. I feel disgusted that someone would even consider writing a sexual summary, let alone someone I share my life with. But at the same time, it was last updated a long time ago.
He doesn't know I've seen this but it's been playing on my mind and just need to know if I'm going mad or it's a genuinely bad thing.

OP posts:
savethatkitty · 17/04/2024 18:54

So he respects women then? What a Prince.

Didimum · 17/04/2024 18:54

I’m the absence of red flags, I couldn’t get worked up about this.

Olika · 17/04/2024 18:55

Cross and childish. But I am confused how his work files got on your laptop. Does that mean anybody could have got other people's files?

MMmomDD · 17/04/2024 18:57

My guess - he started this file when he was young and stupid. And kept it up. Didn’t change the name as couldn't be bothered.

And if the file name is the only problem and the actual list is generally respectful and more on the descriptive side - i’d actually mention it to him.
I don’t think it’s totally unusual to keep a list. I had one back in the day - stopped updating it at some point before getting married.

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 17/04/2024 18:57

This is so sad it's almost funny. Just forget about it, I'm sure he has.

WhiteLeopard · 17/04/2024 18:59

10 years ago? It's a bit grim but I wouldn't let this bother me tbh.

karmakameleon · 17/04/2024 19:01

I’m surprised people are taking this so lightly. If anyone else had found it, they would be perfectly reasonable if they’d reported it to HR and this would be a sackable offence. It’s grim.

category12 · 17/04/2024 19:04

I'm confused by where this document is located. If it's on a work system that other users can see, you really need to tell him so he can take action to remove it.

breezefromthesea · 17/04/2024 19:08

On a plus side at least he hasn't made any entries since you've been married, you'd have more reason to worry if it said Susan - last month twice.
Hannah - last week....

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 17/04/2024 19:11

I would have to tell him that's it on his work computer and can be viewed by colleagues.

That should prompt an explanation and hopefully some embarrassment.

It's seems very immature but I don't think I would react too much to it.

I had a similar list in my teens of every boy I kissed. Think I stopped doing it around 16 or so. It's unusual for a 37 year old to have one.

YellowHighHeels · 17/04/2024 19:12

Well, given the last, ahem, entry, is 10 years ago and there's nothing particularly contentious written, I have put myself in your shoes and wouldn't like finding this but it wouldn't be a deal-breaker in a good relationship. Not nice to read but we all have a sexual past and it doesn't sound like he has shared it, used identifying information or said anything offensive about women from what you say.

However. It's on his work laptop?!! I would raise this with him with a view to him removing it immediately because I am not sure how he could defend this to HR if it was found by IT. If it is about his sex life, it could probably come in breach of some rule about what is and isn't appropriate material. Don't ask me what rule as I'm not in HR but I don't think it's a risk worth taking.

Scottishlady2 · 17/04/2024 19:19

It’s just weird. What is the purpose? Why does he need it? Surely you just remember. Does he use it when pleasuring himself or something. Very bizarre!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/04/2024 19:23

I have my own list on my notes app on my phone just to remind myself. I don't think that makes me a pervert just someone who likes lists.
If this is the only 'worry' then let it go, it's like you've stumbled across a diary from years ago

FakeMiddleton · 17/04/2024 19:24

This can't be real.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 17/04/2024 19:27

Sounds like a twat 10 years ago. It's quite creepy too, you sure he's changed?

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 17/04/2024 19:27

Deargodletitgo · 17/04/2024 18:31

Oh please, you see this sort of thing in books and films about dating women all the time.

I used to keep a running list of people I'd um... conquered...but then got confused when it got into the high 20s🤣

Give the guy a break

😆

category12 · 17/04/2024 19:27

FakeMiddleton · 17/04/2024 19:24

This can't be real.

Yep, really shockingly inept IT department.

Wolfpa · 17/04/2024 19:28

10 years is a long time, he has probably forgotten that the document is even there.

you are never too old to change.

on a separate note it is not a good idea clicking on documents when you don’t know what they are. They could be full of malware.

Maray1967 · 17/04/2024 19:39

Print it and put it on the table and ask him why he made such a list. He needs to know how vile it is.

Jeannie88 · 17/04/2024 19:41

Yuk, gross indeed. However this was 10 years ago and hopefully he's grown up. Xx

Talulahalula · 17/04/2024 19:42

I don’t know, I can see what documents I have recently edited or interacted with on my Sharepoint at work, only mine though and not those of colleagues, unless the link has been shared with me. So if someone else used my laptop when Sharepoint was open, they would see too (this would not happen, though, for data protection reasons).
Plus, they would have to go looking to find ten year old documents and there would not be one listing this kind of thing.
I think if this is real, the guy is a bit of an idiot. It would be ‘what on earth were you thinking?’

parababe · 17/04/2024 20:22

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/04/2024 19:23

I have my own list on my notes app on my phone just to remind myself. I don't think that makes me a pervert just someone who likes lists.
If this is the only 'worry' then let it go, it's like you've stumbled across a diary from years ago

Same here! My memory is getting worse as i get older and occasionally its nice to remind myself that i was young once!!😀

JamSandle · 17/04/2024 20:26

My female friend has one of these. She calls it her 'man bucket list'. It's a list of all men she's been with and what they've done.

OrlandointheWilderness · 17/04/2024 20:36

Erm... I've done it too! Years ago when I was late 20s. It wasn't meant disrespectfully, but it certainly was private!!

fromaytobe · 17/04/2024 20:39

Well it obviously dawned on him 10 years ago that it was crass and adolescent, and he stopped doing it.

I'd put it in the 'wish I hadn't seen it but it was a long time ago' box in the back of your mind, and leave it there.