Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One day you'll actually enhance my life rather than fucking making me miserable.

62 replies

teacheroffsick · 16/04/2024 22:35

What a thoroughly depressing thing for him to say to me. He refuses to consider a divorce. I have no job at the moment so I'm stuck with him. Feeling very fed up. Thought I'd just and share my world with you lot. Now I've written it down, I'll remember he said this to me.
It was because I turned the tv off after two episodes of a programme he claimed to dislike (he was on his phone) as I was heading up to bed. He told me that one day I'll learn what the word 'courtesy' means. I just left in silence. Everytime he is mean or belittles me, I think I will just get up and leave the room from now on. Maybe I should have offered him the remote but he could have asked. I just can't be bothered to even try anymore. He whinges at me all the time, everyday.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/04/2024 23:15

You can claim, yes you both reside in the marital home which prevents you claiming the housing element but if you live financially and practically separately you can claim.

You will need to agree "contact" schedule - when you are caring for the DC and when he is.

Then you need to try and find a job that will work for YOU. Remember when you receive UC you will get assistance with childcare costs.

Once you are in separate houses you either have 50:50 shared care and you may get a small amount of maintenance if he is a high earner and so on.

You will likely get at least 50% of marital assets after marital debts. Pensions will need to be valued etc.

He probably doesn't want to divorce as you are his cheap skivvy and childcare and he doesn't want to share assets.

FakeMiddleton · 16/04/2024 23:16

It is horrendous BUT you've already got the ick/apathy, so the more he acts up, the easier it will be for you to plough on ahead in getting the hell away from him and his toxic shit.

Honestly, I've been there. The hysterics and nastiness are a god send. No chance of "oh but I love him! We can make this work!"

AdoraBell · 16/04/2024 23:18

Get legal advice. Do you have any family support? Take documents, marriage certificate/birth certificates/bank statements/passport to either family or your friend, but not a friend married to one his friends.

Contact Women’s Aid as suggested.

Original poster
teacheroffsick · 16/04/2024 23:22

RandomMess · 16/04/2024 23:15

You can claim, yes you both reside in the marital home which prevents you claiming the housing element but if you live financially and practically separately you can claim.

You will need to agree "contact" schedule - when you are caring for the DC and when he is.

Then you need to try and find a job that will work for YOU. Remember when you receive UC you will get assistance with childcare costs.

Once you are in separate houses you either have 50:50 shared care and you may get a small amount of maintenance if he is a high earner and so on.

You will likely get at least 50% of marital assets after marital debts. Pensions will need to be valued etc.

He probably doesn't want to divorce as you are his cheap skivvy and childcare and he doesn't want to share assets.

Thank you. How would I live financially separately though?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 16/04/2024 23:27

You know that he has to pay you child maintenance if you are the main carer and you live separately don't you op? Calculate that. Add to it any benefits you would be entitled to. Add child maintenance. What is the reason you don't have a job?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2024 23:30

teacheroffsick · 16/04/2024 23:22

Thank you. How would I live financially separately though?

Show quote history

This question is confusing. You have to get a job, and the sooner the better. You should get one as soon as possible.

RandomMess · 16/04/2024 23:33

Using child benefit and UC whilst you are both in the marital home.

You could claim child maintenance from him and then pay for mortgage and household bills 50:50 and anything left over is additional income.

Remember he would need to pay for the DC food on his time plus contribute to their clothes, activities etc or temporarily they may have to give them up.

Original poster
teacheroffsick · 16/04/2024 23:35

arethereanyleftatall · 16/04/2024 23:27

You know that he has to pay you child maintenance if you are the main carer and you live separately don't you op? Calculate that. Add to it any benefits you would be entitled to. Add child maintenance. What is the reason you don't have a job?

Lack of childcare. I had some in place but it feel through so I had to quit work.

OP posts:
Original poster
teacheroffsick · 16/04/2024 23:40

RandomMess · 16/04/2024 23:33

Using child benefit and UC whilst you are both in the marital home.

You could claim child maintenance from him and then pay for mortgage and household bills 50:50 and anything left over is additional income.

Remember he would need to pay for the DC food on his time plus contribute to their clothes, activities etc or temporarily they may have to give them up.

This feels overwhelming and complicated.
So we move into separate spaces in the home then I claim for single person UC and then I apply for a divorce?
I just don't understand how we could claim we are separated when he would still be paying most of the bills from his account.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/04/2024 23:45

Well you can file for divorce and claim UC on the same day.

Why can you do this? Because you can. You won't get a housing element whilst living there but him funding the house is providing for HIS DC not just you. Which is why it is disregarded as it's the same as him paying child maintenance which also would be disregarded.

They need to be reassured that the relationship is over and you are divorcing and not playing the benefits system.

TheFormidableMrsC · 16/04/2024 23:56

OP, it can be done. Speak to your lawyer friend. Make an appointment with CAB to do a benefits check. Claim child benefit as a single parent.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 17/04/2024 00:05

Is it worth getting done couple's counselling? Or just saying "there is no need to be so mean" when he comes out with nasty comments?

But as to leaving, you get your ducks in a row - which means putting yourself in a situation where you CAN leave.

Start applying for jobs. If you need more qualifications maybe use this time to do a course to make you more employable.

Start squirrelling some money away. You need to save for a deposit and a few months living expenses, and moving costs.

Start investigating wrap around child care - before and after school clubs and childminders are than ones. There will often be waiting lists though.

Similarly, investigate holiday care. It differs wildly in different areas. A lot of them collapsed during Covid and may not have restarted. Some sports clubs have quite ridiculous start and end times and don't work with a lot of jobs. It may be that you could hire a university student on holidays to look after them. Some childminders run holiday hours. Ask other parents and your DC's school - they are the best source of information.

Start putting yourself first.

WildBear · 17/04/2024 00:10

Ask him, "do you get a kick out of being nasty to me? Does it make you happy? You might not WANT a divorce, but that's the road we are heading down unless I'm treated with some basic FUCKING RESPECT."

FakeMiddleton · 17/04/2024 00:11

Don't do that. He'll yell back at you "yes!"

Save your breath. He doesn't care.

WildBear · 17/04/2024 00:14

He was probably spoiling for a fight. If you'd offered the remote he probably would have been an arsehole and said, "no! Can't you see I'm on my phone because you watch that utter shite!?" Basically, you can never win.

WildBear · 17/04/2024 00:16

FakeMiddleton · 17/04/2024 00:11

Don't do that. He'll yell back at you "yes!"

Save your breath. He doesn't care.

It might actually make him think? He made vows to love and honour? Love is patient, love is kind...what kind of a man does he want he wants to be. The children will be conscious of all this as they grow if it's still going on.

Thisoldchestnut · 17/04/2024 01:18

I'm not convinced with this post right now.
When advised to move into the spare room, it's earmarked for primary school age kids to have as a living room..
How do you pay for their extra curricular if you aren't working..
Suddenly a family friend is your lawyer, yet on the op you say you can't divorce him because he wouldn't agree?

Devonshiregal · 17/04/2024 01:47

WildBear · 17/04/2024 00:16

It might actually make him think? He made vows to love and honour? Love is patient, love is kind...what kind of a man does he want he wants to be. The children will be conscious of all this as they grow if it's still going on.

Show quote history

🙄 obviously an abusive person doesn’t get told their “mean” and suddenly think oops! I’ve been be a rubbish husband let me change my ways immediately and we’ll live happily ever after.

i mean don’t you think the millions of people in abusive relationships might have…you know..tried that already? It doesn’t work. Can’t even believe having to explain this. It’s this kind of response that keeps people trapped in abusive marriages. Making them feel if they just tried a little harder, or phrased things a little differently, perhaps perhaps their abuser might realise the hurt they’re causing and go back to the way the used to be.

caringcarer · 17/04/2024 01:58

You can.divorce him whether he agrees or not. My exh refused to divorce but I just divorced him anyway. He just looked stupid in court refusing to accept it was over after he cheated on me.

whatsbestforme · 17/04/2024 02:00

The UC form will ask all those questions about finances and you can explain in full how you are splitting your income/housing arrangements.
As long as you don't commit fraud you are good.

If you're done with the relationship then speak calmly to him about your decision. Don't come down to his level.
Good luck.

Imbusytodaysorry · 17/04/2024 04:54

teacheroffsick · 16/04/2024 23:40

This feels overwhelming and complicated.
So we move into separate spaces in the home then I claim for single person UC and then I apply for a divorce?
I just don't understand how we could claim we are separated when he would still be paying most of the bills from his account.

Show quote history

Op the advice you are being given is true.
Once you follow the steps you will find out.

You have also been advised to contact women’s aid.

If you are struggling believing the financial support then call for an appointment with citizens advice.

As long as you are living separately you are doing nothing wrong and everything right claiming all the help and child maintenance too.

Make the spare toom your place and do nothing for him that is part of a relationship.
He sleeps alone . No couple days out and he does his own everything washing cooking shopping .

Polishedshoesalways · 17/04/2024 06:20

Your children deserve much more than to grow up in this awful contemptuous house. They need to see a happy mum far more than a games room op!

Original poster
teacheroffsick · 17/04/2024 07:04

Thisoldchestnut · 17/04/2024 01:18

I'm not convinced with this post right now.
When advised to move into the spare room, it's earmarked for primary school age kids to have as a living room..
How do you pay for their extra curricular if you aren't working..
Suddenly a family friend is your lawyer, yet on the op you say you can't divorce him because he wouldn't agree?

Ok, I'll bite... family friend being a lawyer doesn't mean that I know how it all works as I'm too nervous to speak to them. Yes I pay for extra curricular activities because I have worked this year so I do have some money to spend on my kids going to scouts and swimming etc.
The spare room has been earmarked to be their lounge/games room as their bedroom is too small to have friends in and our house is open plan so I'm fed up with noisy children in my living space...!
I'm not sure how any of this affects the authenticity of my post to be honest!

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 17/04/2024 07:15

You can leave him. You can divorce. He doesn't need to agree to it. The practicalities can be complicated but it is do-able. Many many people do it. It's better for you, and without a doubt better for your children if you do it. It can feel overwhelming but you don't haver to do - or think of - everything at once. Take one step at a time. A very good early step would be to talk to the solicitor and find out a) the process you need to follow and b) what you can reasonably expect to come out of the divorce with.

Then make a list of all you need to do, and bite off one thing at a time.

Don't tell him until you have a firm plan in place and you're ready to tell him.

Stay resolute.

You can do it.

Epidote · 17/04/2024 07:39

Agree with PP that you are in the right path and this is overwhelming. For now if you can detach of him and his bullshit. Grey rock him. Start looking for a job if you can work and speak with the different bodies that can be of help (financially and phiscological) and as soon as you are ready make a move. Don't tell him anything.
If at any point you think is getting too much or dangerous just move.
Please, don't let that man to ruin your life.
All the best and all the luck.

Swipe left for the next trending thread