Feeling invalidated by husband

[hidadsoup]

My husband often makes me feel I’m being unreasonable for how I feel, and for telling him how I feel and wanting him to acknowledge it.

example from today: I saw the health visitor for DS 2 year check and found her a bit patronising, telling me things about toothbrushing, food and drink routines etc that I know about and already implement with DS. Then telling me that it probably wasn’t mastitis that I had as this was an infection, breasts would be red as well as swollen and i might have flu like symptoms (all of which I have)

anyway I found this a bit frustrating and had mentioned this over WhatsApp to husband earlier. When he got home from work he sat down with his phone and didn’t approach me to ask how it was. Then when bathing baby I mentioned again how I found HV slightly patronising. He just said, they probably say the same thing to everyone. I thought that it might have been nice to at least gesture towards understanding how I felt, say something like oh how annoying, or similar, but he doesn’t really offer anything like that.

once both DC into bed I go to talk to him
about this as it’s been a common theme in our 3 year marriage and probably even before . I said how it might be nice to hear him say something supportive when I tell him this stuff. He pushes back and says ‘I wish you wouldn’t feel so hurt all the time’. He’s said variations on this sentiment quite a few times.

There have been examples in the past where he’s ‘taken sides’ with another person I’ve …complained about I suppose. It ends up making me feel like I’m some miserable hag as I don’t ever really feel he’s got my back.

another example from recently was that he went to see a friend who has a bit of form for being a bit of a taker not giver, said friend had originally planned to invite us over to his for a meal on this day but ended up just seeing husband and then it transpired using husbands van to move some stuff. When husband told me this I said, with a bit of cheek not fully serious, good old Mr Favour or something like that…then husband told me how this guy had given him some bits of equipment for free. I said sorry and was duly embarrassed for my too-quick reaction (informed by previous experience of the man), but husband was already looking at/speaking to me like I was, frankly, dirt, so this all makes me feel like he sees me as a horrid old bag who jus t complains about everyone. Whereas I can imagine in a similar situation with another couple, husband saying ‘ahh no love don’t be silly, he’s a nice guy and he actually gave me this…’

writing that out I guess I can see how he thinks I just complain about other people. But I don’t think I complain that much really…I’m confused now as I’m not sure whether it is that I’m a miserable hag, or that he just can’t be bothered with my feelings. Maybe I am just a bit exhausting, or maybe he can’t be bothered, or it could be a bit of both.

whatever it is it pushes me to the edge of feeling I don’t want to stay married to him. It makes me feel so crappy that he basically tells me he thinks I need to be quiet. He has said that too when we’ve argued, that I don’t shut up…

if you read this far thank you, and I’d love to know what you think I should do.

You sound quite negative, to be honest.

Really?

So it's acceptable for her to receive no emotional support from her DH,to be put down,to be told to be quiet and to shut up (which is verbal and emotional abuse);to be made to feel like shite and to be given grief to point out that her DH's friend is a user (which it appears he is).

Her DH is a misogynistic gaslighting A*hole with the emotional intelligence of a dead snail.

So basically, you complain about other people, he's not to have an opinion other than 'yes dear, you're right, what a bitch' ?

From the examples you've given it sounds like you harp on about stuff in a very negative way. He sounds like he ignores it because he's sick of it.

You complained about the HV over Whatsapp whilst he was working, again when he got home and then dragged it up once more when you went to bed. Because you thought they were 'a bit patronising'. He'd made a vague comment about 'they probably say the same stuff to everyone' to try and soothe you slightly, and then you still carried on.

I imagine he's fed up with listening to complaints about people.

Where has.any of that been said? It does sound like op complains about everything, wants to go over things endlessly re how everyone is so awful and is aggrieved dh doesn't agree with her on this.

I see your perspective here but also think that your DH doesn't have to agree with your complaining about someone else. The HV nurse probably does say that to everyone and I do find negativity boring and annoying, and try not to engage.

I don’t engage with mindless and unnecessary negativity either so I would not engage and tell you you were right.

Thanks for the replies so far. I can see how it probably does get wearing hearing someone complain, but I really don’t do it all the time. The example with the friend was probably 3 weeks ago.

@DoreenonTill8 your first message sounds like pretty much exactly what he’s said to me. As I’ve said to him, it’s not about being a nodding dog doormat yes dear whatever you say dear…it’s about acknowledging a feeling I’ve had rather than immediately dismissing it. In my mind this is the role of a good partner and something I do for him. But maybe this is not fair to expect…

Mindless and unnecessary negativity sounds a bit harsh…maybe for the second example but with the first I was upset to basically be told I didn’t have mastitis when I did, it was painful and distressing and part of a bigger situation we were having trying to get baby onto a bottle which is what i was writing about on WhatsApp and just mentioned in one sentence that HV was a bit patronising. Then brought it up later again casually but I just got fobbed off which upsets me as it makes me feel he doesn’t care

But are you looking for him to say, yes you're upset, or yes, isn't everyone else wrong and you're so right.

OP, this is your communication. In what you've said:

1. You've talked about the HV and expressed words that would imply that you feel inadequate. The conversation with your DH would change if you said "I feel really inadequate/insecure after the visit with the HV. She's said a few things that didn't really help and what I really needed to know or hear from her was X" - The X is where your DH can switch on his brain and start either reassuring you or its something you bring up in a conversation with the HV.

1. The friend. You've commented on him being a bit of a taker not a giver, and voiced about free items. The wording you've used suggests the friend has form for theft. The communication is "I'm worried those items might be stolen, and have been in your van. I know you trust him, but are you certain?"

Anything other than that, I really don't see a basis for your negativity or complaint about him here. It's purely your communication hints towards low self esteem, as does the negativity, and that's the bit you need to communicate to him.

The vibe I get from your post is that you sound like you need a hug and someone to talk things through with. You sound a bit “lost”’and diminished and coujd do with a sounding board friend to chat about your reactions and how to manage your DH unresponsiveness.

I don’t intend to seem patronising but maybe a course of talking therapy might be helpful. Could give you more clarity about your concerns and the management thereof?

The way you feel is the way you feel and why should anyone deprecate that?

In that women are from Venus men are from Mars book (or whatever it's called) it said that men want to solve problems whereas women want someone to listen and show empathy.

He couldn't solve the problem so didn't see the point in saying anything as that's how he works.

You took that personally and felt he should have agreed with you because that's how you work.

Communication issues seem to be the issue here. Buy the book second hand and see if any of it rings any bells. Worth a try before you dump him! It may help. Tells you all about Man Caves and all sorts lol!

You WhatsApped him in work about the HV, brought it up again when you were bathing the baby and then again when the baby was in bed. Honestly it sounds exhausting.

Thank you, yes I think you’re right! I have been quite overwhelmed with the baby and I had a session of typed therapy on the NHS, they then offered me 2 further sessions but I just can’t commit to a time even for typed therapy as I’ve always got the kids as husband works very long hours. Thank you for the supportive comment though

I get you OP. My DH is like this too, unfortunately.

Example - someone is extremely rude to me in a shop. If I were to tell him, he'd say 'Well you must have done something to annoy them'. He wouldn't sympathise and agree that the person had been horrible to me. He'd take their side.

Haha thank you I will do that! Communication has sadly always been a bit of an issue, maybe the book can help

Ahh it’s this sort of thing exactly! Sorry your DH is the same…you have my sincere sympathy

Same with my OH. He doesn't mean it but he does side with others a lot!
Reading your post I realised how much you sound like me and was worried for the comments- but I have retired faith in the replies!
Also if you have mastitis and a young family then you are probably feeling overwhelmed and just in need of company.
I feel ya OP, my OH has been like this since I got pregnant and we are 8 years in!

You say you want "emotional support", but actually you just want someone to tell you you're right - it's not quite the same thing! And, whilst I might say I was a bit cross about the health visitor, I'd make a joke of it and move on - I'm not sure anyone would want an in depth discussion about it. Maybe you just need to be a hit more selective in what you complain about?

It's not you, it's him!
Horrible feeling alone and unsupported. Especially when you're with the kids all day long til late and you just need some conversation and compassion at the end of the day.
I can't imagine he'll.be ar to improve or change.

Ignore other posters OP. It's because you've been honest in your post and you're focusing too much on whether you might be to blame... you're a people pleaser right?? Writing out all the little things that might point to it being your fault when it's perfectly obvious your DH, for whatever reason, doesn't have your back.

Sending hugs OP you are getting a bit of a rough ride. I agree with a previous poster I don't think you are communicating very well. Rather than stating the issue with the other person you need to state how it made you feel. So with the HV the communication would be 'the HV today was a bit strange and I felt I heard and anxious that what I thought wasn't addressed."

Focus it on you not on others.

@BeaRF75 he could have said exactly the same thing, that HV says it to everyone, but looked me in the eye and said, it’s ok love, or something similar, just to show a bit of care. It’s the way he just doesn’t engage at all that feels upsetting. The argument that it’s about being right is something he’s said before too and it’s just not the case. I couldn’t care less about being right I just want to be seen and heard by my spouse.

You took the health visitor's questions way too personally. It's their job to ask everyone the same things and give everyone the same information. How are they supposed to know who has read up on it and who hasn't??

So does that mean that the dp has to 'have her back' wherever, whenever,.whatever?