Feeling invalidated by husband

[hidadsoup]

My husband often makes me feel I’m being unreasonable for how I feel, and for telling him how I feel and wanting him to acknowledge it.

example from today: I saw the health visitor for DS 2 year check and found her a bit patronising, telling me things about toothbrushing, food and drink routines etc that I know about and already implement with DS. Then telling me that it probably wasn’t mastitis that I had as this was an infection, breasts would be red as well as swollen and i might have flu like symptoms (all of which I have)

anyway I found this a bit frustrating and had mentioned this over WhatsApp to husband earlier. When he got home from work he sat down with his phone and didn’t approach me to ask how it was. Then when bathing baby I mentioned again how I found HV slightly patronising. He just said, they probably say the same thing to everyone. I thought that it might have been nice to at least gesture towards understanding how I felt, say something like oh how annoying, or similar, but he doesn’t really offer anything like that.

once both DC into bed I go to talk to him
about this as it’s been a common theme in our 3 year marriage and probably even before . I said how it might be nice to hear him say something supportive when I tell him this stuff. He pushes back and says ‘I wish you wouldn’t feel so hurt all the time’. He’s said variations on this sentiment quite a few times.

There have been examples in the past where he’s ‘taken sides’ with another person I’ve …complained about I suppose. It ends up making me feel like I’m some miserable hag as I don’t ever really feel he’s got my back.

another example from recently was that he went to see a friend who has a bit of form for being a bit of a taker not giver, said friend had originally planned to invite us over to his for a meal on this day but ended up just seeing husband and then it transpired using husbands van to move some stuff. When husband told me this I said, with a bit of cheek not fully serious, good old Mr Favour or something like that…then husband told me how this guy had given him some bits of equipment for free. I said sorry and was duly embarrassed for my too-quick reaction (informed by previous experience of the man), but husband was already looking at/speaking to me like I was, frankly, dirt, so this all makes me feel like he sees me as a horrid old bag who jus t complains about everyone. Whereas I can imagine in a similar situation with another couple, husband saying ‘ahh no love don’t be silly, he’s a nice guy and he actually gave me this…’

writing that out I guess I can see how he thinks I just complain about other people. But I don’t think I complain that much really…I’m confused now as I’m not sure whether it is that I’m a miserable hag, or that he just can’t be bothered with my feelings. Maybe I am just a bit exhausting, or maybe he can’t be bothered, or it could be a bit of both.

whatever it is it pushes me to the edge of feeling I don’t want to stay married to him. It makes me feel so crappy that he basically tells me he thinks I need to be quiet. He has said that too when we’ve argued, that I don’t shut up…

if you read this far thank you, and I’d love to know what you think I should do.

Thanks for your comment :) 8 years in…I wonder if we’ll get that far..I always imagined it but lately I’m not sure!

So your husband works long hours and then sits on his phone when he gets home and can’t be bothered to ask about your day? You being at home raising yours and his children is what enables him to carry on working. You are doing the harder job here, don’t you forget it.
You sound lonely and depressed. I would focus on resolving those first. If you can afford therapy, then get some.
The HV had no business dismissing mastitis, it’s bloody painful and horrible.

Mine does this. I'm not a negative person, I'm much more positive than he is!

If I tell him about a bad experience with someone during the day, he by default takes their side, assuming I'm at fault somehow. It makes me second guess myself and I end up not telling him anything to avoid him making me feel worse. (It doesn't happen that often but we live in a city and you're bound to come across nutters occasionally. See I'm trying to defend myself before being criticised!)

Any opinions I hold, he likes to take the opposite side, I don't know he is playing devils advocate or what, but some of them are deeply personal to me where he has no skin in the game at all and has done no research.

I find it exhausting. Are people normally supposed to find solace in their partners?

You being at home raising yours and his children is what enables him to carry on working. You are doing the harder job here, don’t you forget it.
Spoken like a sahm whose never had to be the only earner ever!

You’re a venter, he’s a fixer.
You need to explicitly say I need you to listen, when you give the other side of this situation that I need to talk about it makes me feel small and unheard.
DH who I adore (we’ve been married 30 years and chatter and play like newlyweds) is a fixer and it was only when I said stop and listen that we got out of a toxic cycle of me moaning and feeling invalidated. Interestingly it was when I was home with babies too.

Ah OP I think you've got some harsh responses here.

The HV conversation sounds rubbish and you already felt somewhat dismissed. And then your DH seemed uninterested in your feelings. Some HVs can be patronising and unhelpful, just like any other person/health professional.

PPs have said that you just want him to tell you you're right. I think they're incorrect and that you want him to acknowledge your feelings which shouldn't be too tricky for a loving husband.

You have mastitis and that'll make you feel shit as well. Have you got treatment? I had a bad bout and I tried to get DS to feed from that boob and it did help but I think I still needed antibiotics.

In the wider sense, it might be that you're feeling low, lonely, bit bored and have been more moany or negative. Doesn't make it a personality trait. Have you considered your mood? Are you low?

I know you have 2 little DC, so within those confines, do you get to spend any time with other women? When my 2 were little I found it very very difficult and my women friends saved me. Yes you may have to see them with the DC in tow, that's OK.

I have had 2 horrid DHs so its hard for me to advise on that part.

He might be feeling tired, drained, detached and be open to trying to work together on making things better, or he might be a miserable selfish bastard. Something to think about.

Definitely put yourself up there with the DC in terms of care and priority. You deserve to enjoy your children and be supported by your husband, if that's possible from him. And to consider what to do next if it's really not

You process your feelings by talking about them and sharing.

His approach is that unless it can be fixed there is no point in regurgitating the past.

It might be that he often doesn't have enough spare emotional capacity left when he comes back home. The last thing he wants to face is yet another intractable problem to solve. This in turns heightens his negativity.

By contrast, you cannot wait for someone to share the burden and when it doesn't happen you are even more disappointed and disheartened.

Rather than failing to read each other's minds try talking not about the issue but how you deal with negative feelings and what you need from one another.

Have you expressly told him what you want him to say?

Because Then when bathing baby I mentioned again how I found HV slightly patronising. He just said, they probably say the same thing to everyone is true.

The HV hasn't singled you out and it doesn't matter that you already know that stuff. It might feel irritating or unnecessary but it won't be for some people and so they tell everyone.

The problem is that if you're perceived as someone who finds something to complain about a lot, people stop listening and so complaints aren't filtered into 'reasonable' and 'unreasnable' and responded to accordingly, they just become noise.

I know there's a certain dynamic in some relationships where one person always wants to play devil's advocate instead of supporting their partner, and that's very annoying, but I'm not sure that's what's going on here, just because the examples are so weak?

To me, "oh she probably says that to everyone" about the HV is a good response to your complaint. It's not dismissive, the point of saying that is to reassure you that it wasn't personal and just something she always does for her job.

And in the second example you slagged off your husband's friend, which is already annoying behaviour on your part, and then it turned out you were completely wrong to do so. And somehow this means it's your husband's fault?

The flipside of the dynamic I mentioned earlier is that one partner is negative and hostile about all and sundry, and wants their partner to join them in making life one massive bitchfest - oh isn't he a twat, isn't she a cow, on and on it goes. See also people who get involved in Facebook drama and then want their spouse (who's wisely staying out of it) to post in support of them.

Agree with @gannett or like the thread with similar op complaining about wanting to recline her seat on a plane, and that her husband didn't join in her argument with the person she was reclining on to!

It sounds to me like you're expecting him to validate things that he doesn't consider valid... if he bought into your negativity about everything how would that help? Maybe he thinks if he doesn't feed it then your mindset will change.

He doesn't have to agree with you but it's the irritation around it that's not nice. Do you feel you can talk about it. About how he is dismissive with you?

My DH is a "solver". He would do anything to help me but if I tell him how I feel he instantly jumps into telling me what I should do about it rather than empathising.
I have explained to him that sometimes I need someone to just listen and understand how I feel and he does try but its just so awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved that I would rather he didnt.
Some people find empathy and sympathy very hard but it doesn't make them bad people or mean that they don't love you.

It's a common theme in your marriage probably before.

People don't really change OP.

Er, no, I walked out on my alcoholic husband with nothing but my 3 children and 2 suitcases. I put myself through university and supported my children on my own with minimal maintenance from him. I never found another relationship so did the whole thing on my own.
All I was referring to is the fact that she is raising his kids and he is telling her with his behaviour that she is not worth a minute of his time and attention.

I'm not liking the men are fixer narrative, I've experienced this from men and women.
I take issue too with the "she wants him to agree with her" because the OP gave an example of a preferred kind of response that doesn't fit that definition.

There's a middle road, a crazy one where we can just listen and acknowledge a person's feelings. Sometimes a person's discontent isn't even what's been talked about, shocker right? Our ability to respond to a stressful moment could be our health or something else affecting our state of mind going into the difficult moment. Good listening, and interesting questions, can be helpful to understand not fix, and provide comfort 🤷‍♂️

You can't change or instruct his behaviour tho, OP, this is an understanding he has to reach himself. Likewise you too will have to decide stay or go, no-one else can make the call for you

Do you have a baby as well as a 2 year old?
He was actually correct to say that the HV would have set advice that they give to everyone. Could it be that you are tending to take some things personally? Did the health visitor examine your breasts, and did you inform her that you had flu-like symptoms? I'm guessing not if she said that would be a symptom as if you didn't have some. Take your temperature if you have a thermometer to hand, having a raised temperature is what is generally meant by flu-like symptoms, that might shed some light on it.
Overall there is a picture of you getting irritated by some not very significant things. Could be hormones or PND maybe? Tbh, nothing you've described would have moved a person who is not under some stress to have passed comment.