Should I tell him

[Vvmumofone]

Ok so I’ve just broken up with someone of 10 years. It’s been a long time coming but I made the decision when I started having feelings for someone who had pursued me at work for 2 months prior to the breakup.
this guy at work has messaged and call pretty much daily. Telling me how much he liked me and wanted to spend more time with me etc. We have been out before I split but nothing happened. Since then I have now slept with him. When lying there after I said I didn’t want to be with him just have fun and didn’t say anymore. I think this is because I’m scared of getting into anything too quickly. He asked me if i was seeing anyone else, if i was going to get back with my ex and if i minded he’d slept with someone a few weeks before. He told me he had a lovely time quite a few times that day but then the texts started getting less and last week at work other than talking to me at work and he was normal here. I did ask if he just wanted to be friends but he said nothing has changed. He didn’t text me all week other than when I asked if he was feeling better he said he’d just been feeling low and I left it then. I thought well he’s obviously got what he wanted and that’s that.
then comes into work this week apologises for not texting me says, he’s felt low, don’t know how to process his feelings etc and doesn’t want to hound me because he’s knows I’m going through stuff too. Came to see me twice. Then has said today, don’t be sad today as he knows I’ve been feeling down.
thing is I do really like him but don’t want to rush into anything and think fun/casual probably isn’t what I should be doing.
do I tell him I like him or just leave it?
surely if he only wanted sex he wouldn’t act this way. I don’t know where I stand but it feels awkward just bringing it up.

Well I mean you told the guy right after sex you didn’t wish to be with him, just fun, which would translate as sex?

@Janetime which I regret and not sure if I should tell him how I really feel. He’s not asked me back for more either so thinking he wanted more I said I didn’t so he’s put the breaks on. I guess I just don’t want to make a fool of myself from a stupid thing I said.

Why not ask him on a date.? I think to be honest you e said it now so you need to climb it back if it wasn’t the truth.

Sorry but he's full of shit.

How do I know that?
He was texting you whilst you were a married woman ffs! He's a creep.

FYI the world is full of assholes who get a kick from breaking up marriages.

They love bomb,like he did. And once you are hooked, your marriage is done and you've shagged, they ghost.

You telling him you didn't want anything serious, hurt his ego. It reversed uno him at his own ggame. Threw a spanner in the works. Now he's looking for new ways to headfuck you.

He doesn't want you. He wants you to want him.

End it clearly and block his number
Read up on how to.spot love bombing and red flags of players and abusers so you can stay safe in future.

@Pinkbonbon you know that’s made me see things differently and maybe you’re right. I will ignore and I’m sure he’ll move onto the next. That’s made my decision. I’m not going to tell him and just focus on me.

although he has constantly said are you sure you want to split, you’ll get back with him, it’s a shame etc but maybe that’s because he feels some guilt about what he’s done maybe.

I should have seen the red flags shouldn’t I?

Not to sound harsh but you also sound like a red flag! Maybe he backed off because he liked you and as soon as you slept together you said you didn’t want anything else, could he have felt used?

“it’s a shame etc but maybe that’s because he feels some guilt about what he’s done maybe.”

What he’s done? Ok so he’s not coming of great for pursuing a married woman however the married woman didn’t say no, so it’s not what he’s done it’s what you both did

@Health47 not harsh at all. I feel like I was harsh tbf and regret not saying anything.

I mean what would you do if you liked him but hadn’t put this across?

He's a walking red flag. He'll mess you around whatever you do now. Telling him to back off two texts in was the time to act.

May be try to see him as a catalyst to get out of a (presumably) stale relationship, and focus on yourself now. He's potentially endless fuckery if you allow yourself to get drawn back in.

Just have a chat with him. People on Mumsnet sometimes jump to the worst but you'll only know if you speak to him. Then one way or the other you can move on.

I mean do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has zero moral qualms about pursuing a married woman? How could you trust him?

@JamSandle i kind of see both sides as if he really liked me he’d text me regardless right?

but then I also see. He feels used now even though I don’t want to use him.

I literally don’t know what to do and feel like I’m going to make a fool of myself if I tell him how I really feel.

Perhaps not if he doesn't think you're interested.

Are you interested? Or happy to move on from this one?

What is it that you really feel?

Also IMO being honest about feelings is more about you than him. If you tell him how you feel and end up embarrassed because he doesn't reciprocate, you know you've been honest and had integrity. You're living and communicating in your truth which in the long run is much easier than all the What ifs and second guessing.

@JamSandle I like him but don’t want to rush into anything because feel like I need to give myself time.

i think it’s more because I worry if he doesn’t reciprocate I have to see him at work. He hasn’t said what he wants so it’s hard to know.

If it was me and I was still interested in him I would have to tell him. I couldn’t live with the what ifs if I didn’t say anything, if he feels the same then great if not then at least you know it wasn’t meant to be

You know it's too soon to start a relationship anyway, that is why you said what you did. Nothing has changed on that, so what is blurting out your feelings going to achieve? At best an attempt at a relationship, that ends up messy and hurting you.
It's the initial daily pursuit of you that's off, it's wrong behaviour and shows a lack of integrity. If you are able to just keep it on a friendship level, that would be better. If he respects you over the long term, then he might just earn a tad of integrity back, but don't just hand yourself to him. Cool it off for now, stay friendly for a few months, and if its ment to be, you'll find a way back, play the long game.

It's not really jumping to the worst with the history OP has described. Although she doesn't seem bothered by his behaviour, just whether or not he is still interested so 🤷🏻‍♀️

You've both behaved somewhat badly. You entertained discussions that you shouldn't have entertained before you had split up with your previous partner and he seemed to think it was okay to romance you while you were with someone else. But relationship endings are often a bit messy; perhaps he was responding to your signals. In any case, you can't put back time.

But you told him you just wanted some fun and his current behaviour may well be the result of that.

If you want to explore other possibilities with him, then the ball really is in your court. However, if you are clear on wanting to remain single for now, then as PP have suggested, why not just to keep it as friends for now and take a bit of time to see how things unfold (recognising that he may cease to be available in the meantime but if he's properly interested in you that's unlikely to happen).

I don't agree you've messed him around though.
You just came out of a marriage. Surely it's evident that you aren't going to want to jump straight into something else!

That youd needed to treat this new thing as something light and easy. At least for a while.

The reason he reacted as he did was he expected you to fall for the love bombing and fall in love with his fake Prince Charming act.

In reality, decent men wouldn't have behaved as he has.

Get out when you're on top. Because he sees this as a game. A game he wants to win by charming you then dropping you. He's not in anything for the long haul.

And the reason he kept asking you if you wanted to leave was to give you opportunity to stroke his ego by giving it 'yes, because I really like you'.

Or, because he might have been realising he'd bit off more than he could chew. But when you told him you didn't want a relationship, it was 'game on' again.

You're well out of it. But at least this gas helped you leave a marriage that wasn't working for you anymore too. So, silver linings and all that.

Ok, so a colleague is relentless with telling you he likes you. This it's not an indicator that he is good relationship material. In fact it's the opposite. You are his colleague, you were married, and now you are emotionslly vulnerable due to the ending of a 10 year relationship - and he doesn't seem to have any professional or moral boundaries for himself.

The ending of a 10 year relationship will be causing you stress, grief and a lot of mixed emotions. You can't hurry the process of grieving or healing, so consider what your priorities will be to get through this next phase. It might be better long-term to feel all the feels, give yourself some time to evaluate what you want in a future partner, and then look for a relationship when you are in a better place.

Your post indicates your conflicted feelings. You're probably confused and would probably end up messing this guy about based on what you've said here. Take a bit of a breather and review things after some time has passed.

Perhaps have an honest conversation with him. It does sound too soon to rush in to something new. He might realise that, but be disappointed. I'm not sure why some are being so harsh and imputing bad faith. You told him you didn't want a relationship, and he backed off, which sounds respectful. It sounds like he was into you, but doesn't want to get hurt.

Surely there's a middle ground? You can tell him you don't want to rush into anything but that you do like him and would like to take it slow.

Tbh if a guy said to me he wanted casual fun I'd interpret that as him wanting to sleep with me but also to be free to sleep around and shag whoever he likes at the same time.

He sounded worried you were saying you either wanted to have sex with other people or get back with your ex.

Surely you could explain you like him and aren't interested in anyone else (inc your ex) but are ready for a full on relationship. It's then up to him if that's something he's interested in?

He shouldn't have pursued you when he knew you were unavailable so that says a lot about him.

Given your angst over this, you don't sound ready to be involved with anybody at the moment OP. Maybe this guy was the catalyst to help you realise your relationship was at an end and give you the impetus to end it, but that doesn't mean this guy is your future.

Have you posted about this before ?