Accidental pregnancy that my partner doesn't want

[DeepLilacHedgehog]

I recently found out that I'm pregnant, very early on, and unexpected.

I have a 14 month old with my partner, and a 9 y/o from a previous relationship. My partner is older and has other children from a previous relationship. We both have really good co-parenting relationships with our exes.

After our baby was born, my partner was MIA. He missed the birth, and was never home. I gave him an ultimatum and he changed his ways. He's been around all the time recently, has been actively involved with our daughter and mine, and it's been amazing to have him by my side.

When I told him I was pregnant, he told me he couldn't 'deal with it'. He's since said that he wants me, and will continue to parent the children, but wants nothing to do with the baby if I continue with the pregnancy.

The difficulty I have in comprehending this, is that we planned to try for another baby in 12 months. Granted, this pregnancy is a lot sooner than we wanted but it's not like we hadn't talked everything through.

He won't ask me to terminate, but I feel he's saying what he's saying as a way of forcing me into making that decision. I feel damned either way. If I terminate, I will resent him, and I don't know if I would ever really come to terms with aborting a baby that I want to have. If I keep the baby, he won't be a dad to them. He won't be there to support me, and he doesn't want any parental responsibility.

I'm sitting here questioning whether me keeping the baby is the fair thing to do, or if I'm being selfish. At the same time, my mental health will suffer if I terminate, and inevitably that will impact my relationship with my partner.

Can anyone offer any advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I'm feeling very lost, and very lonely in all this, and I just can't see a way forward.

It sounds like your relationship is over whatever else happens so I’d proceed on that basis 💐

Have the baby and terminate the relationship

Really horrible reaction from him if you were planning to have another baby in 12 months anyway, and presumably he wasn't bothered about contraception so he's played his part in creating this situation. I would tell him to get out if he can't support you. Give him a shock. Sounds like an ultimatum worked well before so maybe he needs another one now.

Sounds like he didn't cope with the last baby and will end up MIA with this one as he knows he won't cope.

Kindest thing to do for everyone here if you want the baby is to end the relationship.

I suspect the planning a baby in 12 months was something he agreed to to keep the peace at the time and in 12 months there would have been a reason to not have one then.

It is of course your decision and when given an ultimatum you say he stepped up before. As awful as it is that he says he wants nothing to do with a new baby perhaps he will mellow to the idea and step up again once he has gotten over the shock of an unplanned pregnancy. Only you know how your relationship is together other than this issue and whether you think it's worth a shot or whether you would take the chance and if it doesn't work to move on with your 3 children without him as a partner.

He doesn't get to not have any parental responsibility, unless he was an unwilling participant in sex. He had sex, he made a baby, he is now responsible.

I'm sorry to say op, as per a poster above, you have no options from here that will result in a happy relationship with him.

Why did you want another baby after his behaviour with the first one?

It seems like such a strange choice considering he's only just come around to being a present and active father with the last one. It

Obviously do what you want with your own body and come to terms with the end of the relationship.

My answer differs from others in that I think that you probably should terminate the pregnancy, just because I'm not sure that having this baby would be fair on your other two children. Your husband is being a dick either way, but do you really want to add more kids to the mix?

Either way the relationship is over, so make your decision about the pregnancy based on whether or not you could financially and emotionally cope with three children on your own. I'm sorry but he is not a decent man or father.

"He won't ask me to terminate...."

But that is exactly what he's doing. He may not be saying the actual words but his intent is crystal clear.

"I will resent him, and I don't know if I would ever really come to terms with aborting a baby that I want to have".

Any decent man with half an ounce of compassion and empathy would fully understand that. I'm afraid the harsh reality is that you picked a wrong 'un in him. You clearly want to have this baby so my advice is to go ahead with it and if he follows through on his threats then that is his decision. I would make it very clear to him that you won't tolerate him having a relationship with one of his children and not the other though, due to the emotional harm that could do to the ignored child. It's hard enough for a child abandoned by a parent at the best of times but imagine him coming to pick up child 1 for a day with daddy whilst ignored child 2 has to watch in silence.

If he carries out his threat you will need to cope on your own but you are where you are and you should not be bullied into having a termination you clearly do not want. What a selfish scumbag he is.

You partner behaved terribly last time and is now basically trying to force you to terminate this pregnancy. Is that a man you really want to spend your life with? He sounds dreadful and abusive.

I’d split up with him and then decide whether to go ahead with the pregnancy or not.

Definitely get rid of the bloke. Then work out if you can cope with/ afford another baby.

if you are very early into the pregnancy then I believe a medical termination would be available to you. I imagine it’s much stressful than a surgical termination. But this is just conjecture.

What a disgusting man. Get rid of him. and do whatever is best for you regarding the baby.

What was the contraception situation? I think that makes a difference. If he was using condoms and this is an accident, that's one thing, but if he 'doesn't like them' and you were using the pull out method, period tracking or some other risky measure, then I'd be saying to him he should have taken responsibility for his own contraception if he didn't want to make a baby.

Nevertheless, you are where you are. Don't have a termination you don't want, but your relationship may well be over whatever you decide.

This was me last year 😢

I remember it well, however, I kept her, our relationship was over. We actually separated and didn't speak until she was 10 weeks old.

She is now the apple of his eye and he's completely back tracked. Absolute madness! I'm gutted that it broke us.... but his behaviour was deplorable.... I'd have loved for us to work things out but it's not going to happen.

Have faith, I've met someone new and he's amazing with her, me and my other children.

Whatever you do, make sure it's what you want... my little one is my 5th baby x oldest is 25, youngest 13..,, she is so loved xx I didn't think I'd be doing this but I feel so blessed xx

I think it's probably over either way.

He won't parent the baby = relationship over (and that's an appalling attitude) or You have a termination that you don't want = relationship over. I'd proceed with that in mind. Good luck.

Your relationship with him sounds awful to be honest. He is comfortable using emotional blackmail.

Thank you all for your advice, and your opinions.

For context, now that he is present, and contributing actively, he is a great Dad to the children we have. He is also brilliant to his older children.

The plan to have another child in 12 months, was to give me more time to see if his changed behaviour was for the long-haul, or was more of a flash in the pan. In my own mind, I felt maybe in 12 months there would be reasons (from him) not to try, and we discussed it at length. Including conversations about contraception, preventing pregnancy, what would happen if this exact scenario would arise.

My oldest childs father was abusive. I left when I was 5 months pregnant. I have no issue raising a child alone, I did so with my oldest for 5 years. They now have a healthy relationship with their biological father, and have had no issues adjusting to him being in their life. I was always open with them, and we gradually transitioned to regular contact. FYI - he has never been abusive to his child in any way.

I agree, my partner won't be able to opt into our child's life and ignore the baby. That's not an option, it's just what he has said - doesn't mean it's something I'm willing to allow. I can financially support three children without his input, though, so in that context, if he severed ties, so be it.

I honestly think there was some postnatal depression on his part, but that doesn't excuse him disappearing - that's not a luxury I got to have when things got tough, that's for sure! And in that scenario, being open is essential to recovering (I experienced PND with my first).

Men don’t get PND. Respectfully.

Yeah, lamenting the loss of your old life and freedom before you had a baby that depends on you 24/7 is not a medical condition, so don't make excuses for him OP.

Scientifically, and medically, they can. Im not trying to make excuses. It was out of character for him to react in the way that he did, hence me not ending the reltionship. And there was no loss of an old life, he was already a parent with responsibilities...which is why I'm so baffled by it all.

For those who have been tactful and considerate, I appreciate you all.

I’m think PPs are saying that he can’t get PND as the medical diagnosis of depression related to hormonal changes post partum.

They can of course get clinical depression as a result of circumstances, including the arrival of a baby.

You had a baby last year and have already introduced another man to her and your other four children. FFS.

I do not think there is any way that having a relationship with only one DC of two he will have with you can possibly be a good and healthy relationship for either - hell on the one he overlooks, unfair on the one he sees (who then has to return home and live in the same house as the overlooked one) and an utterly appalling example to both.

Grasp the nettle and tell him there is no way you can agree to an arrangement that is so damaging to growing children.

There is an outside (very outside) chance that if he was speaking through shock, he will accept this and step up. But don't count on it. So be sure you are ready to bring up all your DC on your own (perhaps with a side-order of mildly troublesome attempts to Disney dad)

@ZoeCM yes!!!

He's a work colleague that I've worked with for the last 7 years, who my children already knew!!! Not that it's anything to do with you! But he's new in terms of.... we're now in the first throws of a relationship! He used to teach my children!

I am cautious when it comes to my children because that's my choice..... not that I sit on Mumsnet casting judgement on others who aren't!