Accidental pregnancy that my partner doesn't want

[DeepLilacHedgehog]

I recently found out that I'm pregnant, very early on, and unexpected.

I have a 14 month old with my partner, and a 9 y/o from a previous relationship. My partner is older and has other children from a previous relationship. We both have really good co-parenting relationships with our exes.

After our baby was born, my partner was MIA. He missed the birth, and was never home. I gave him an ultimatum and he changed his ways. He's been around all the time recently, has been actively involved with our daughter and mine, and it's been amazing to have him by my side.

When I told him I was pregnant, he told me he couldn't 'deal with it'. He's since said that he wants me, and will continue to parent the children, but wants nothing to do with the baby if I continue with the pregnancy.

The difficulty I have in comprehending this, is that we planned to try for another baby in 12 months. Granted, this pregnancy is a lot sooner than we wanted but it's not like we hadn't talked everything through.

He won't ask me to terminate, but I feel he's saying what he's saying as a way of forcing me into making that decision. I feel damned either way. If I terminate, I will resent him, and I don't know if I would ever really come to terms with aborting a baby that I want to have. If I keep the baby, he won't be a dad to them. He won't be there to support me, and he doesn't want any parental responsibility.

I'm sitting here questioning whether me keeping the baby is the fair thing to do, or if I'm being selfish. At the same time, my mental health will suffer if I terminate, and inevitably that will impact my relationship with my partner.

Can anyone offer any advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I'm feeling very lost, and very lonely in all this, and I just can't see a way forward.

From reading your post, you know you want this child and will regret it if you terminate.

I think you’ll regret it more by terminating, then keeping it and possibly loosing your relationship.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. I would not abort a baby I wanted to save a relationship..it rarely works. You would grieve the baby and deeply resent your partner. If you voiced this it would cause rows. If you internalised your feelings the hurt and resentment would grow. You and he accidently made a baby together while in a committed relationship. Putting the pressure of a decision which falls in with his feelings and ignores yours is not on and I don't know if I could ever get over that. If you do have the baby and he leaves he should still give financial support. Whether wanted or not his child would be a fact and even if I could support all 3 children alone I would still follow up child support. If nothing else you could use it for much needed help when parenting alone. Good luck op
💐

I'd be telling him it's over either way.
I wouldn't care how good of a father he is. He's making you pick. He can't opt out. He's created this scenario too. What a selfish arsehole.

Yes he may have had depression after your last child, he may have agreed to another child in 12 months (it may have been said in earnest or may have been said to keep the peace). You can only deal with what you know now, which is you are pregnant and potentially having another baby together.

Dump him. He is setting out his stall, letting you know that his 'good boy' days are over and you will be caring for this baby yourself, so he can go MIA again and do whatever the hell he pleases. You didn't make this baby by yourself, if he won't take responsibility he should just piss off.

I would also question this. I think it would be selfish to bring a baby into this situation. People saying keep the baby, ditch the man. How does any of this benefit the children?
One child already has another father, one whose father had to be forced into being a parent, and another child where one parent clearly doesn't want them. Not to mention the step children. Why oh why do people never think of the children. Just because you can have a child doesn't mean you should. I really feel sorry for all the children who have no choice for their situation because of the adults like these.

14 months old 9 year old unborn child and a relationship on the rocks for the sounds of it.
I know what id be doing.

I have to say I agree with this.

Bringing another baby into this would be selfish

So many women have babies with feckless men and then wonder why they aren't getting the support they want

Sounds like you need to pick, what do you want more: your husband or a new baby? Only you can answer that question.

No, sorry. Biological men cannot get postnatal depression. That’s connected to pregnancy hormones.🙄

He's given you an ultimatum, which is tantamount to asking you for a termination.

It also has the added devastating emotional burden that he's made it seem like he's not asked you to terminate, so that if you do on that basis then it will seem like it was all 100% your fault and he'll accept none of the responsibility for your pain or suffering as a result if you feel wracked with guilt and grief.

Don't let this man ruin your future either your baby. You've stated clearly that you want to keep it, so keep it. Anything else is going to be very hard on you in the future emotionally.

Please never feel guilty about having the baby.

I literally don’t understand the concept of having another child with your partner because “he’s such a good father” to the other children and at the same time destroying the relationship gor the sake of the next child. The relationship is/was a romantic one—did you pick him in order to have more babies? Wasn’t the relationship enough? Now you have stress tested it to destruction.

this is quite mad isn't it!! Makes me sad that women (and men tbf) constantly prioritise their love lives over their own children... in this case... baby!

edited to say: Just seen this is a year old... not sure why it has come up on my feed!!