How do you answer to a partner punishing you?

[LakeSnake]

Yes that’s dh.
No it’s not ok and I’m planning my exit. But, as it’s often the case, it’s complicated and I need to get organised first.

In the mean time, dh has taken to ‘punishing’ me, aka doing something that he knows I’ll find hurtful in reaction to not doing what he expected me to do.
Not sure how to react

• not say anything to not give him the pleasure to see me upset
• tell him so he knows 1- I know what he is doing and 2- it’s not ok.
• retaliate (only joking there).

Thankfully, I’ve had time to calm down so whatever I’m doing will be coming from calm rather than rage. It’s a good start.

Bonus point to whoever can help me doing that whilst conveying the message to our dcs I am not accepting this type of behaviour.

It really depends on the type of thing.

Eating the last bit of cake - leave it.

Going out for 10 hours,coming home bladdered and shouting at you, then you need to do something.

Can you give examples of stuff he 'punishes' you with?

I would call women's aid for advice. Leaving is quite a dangerous time in DV relationships (assuming it's DV). I'd probably try and keep the peace until you can get out of there.

I'm guessing he has significant narcissistic traits to be doing this.

I have watched a number of videos by Dr Ramani on YouTube. She is fab, an expert in this and has lived it herself. She understands some people can't leave and advises on how to handle certain behaviour whilst living with them. If you're planning your exit I suggest you do as little as possible to provoke.

Please make leaving your number one priority.
Clear your YouTube search history if you do look at Dr Ramani.

Do you mean if you annoy him he'll deliberately cut the grass too short or in a way that annoys you or take ages in the shower so you have to rush? Like a tit for tat, childish, endless squabble of annoying you on purpose to get revenge for you annoying him?

Generally don’t give any feedback. Be resolutely neutral at all times. Everything else feeds the behaviour.

The example you set your children is still positive.
Poor examples would be getting upset and doing nothing.

Staying calm in the face of other people’s poor behaviour is a good example.

Organising to leave is a good example.

Staying calm in the face of other people’s poor behaviour is a good example.
Organising to leave is a good example.

Thank you.

Don't react but call him out on it straight with a simple not really being a good role model to our children. It will stump him but because you are not reacting he also won't get a kick.

There is NO DV. (Edited as i forgot this rather crucial word!)

It’s just pettiness done to be hurtful (which it was) to get to me when I haven’t done what I was expected to do.
And the fact he has no issue hurting me like this through the dcs. Which he knows will annoy me like hell.

How old are your children?

@Thinkbiglittleone young adults, both at Uni

When my ex was like this, I spent years either bringing him round with humour or trying to appease him or ignoring the behaviour

. By near the end, I was just telling him to stop being an awkward brat or that he was only embarrassing himself by doing it.

This isn't normal behaviour. People don't generally go around punishing their partners. DV isn't just punching you in the face. It can be controlling behaviours, bullying, gaslighting ect ect. I only realised I'd been in a DV relationship about a year after it ended when I finally sought help from Women's aid as my ex was still causing me hell through child contact.

You grey rock him

You put anything of actual value to you out of the house where he can't get to it. Then you don't react. Your reaction of upset/shock is his reward, so don't give him his nasty little thrill.

And then one day, you're gone.

Grey rock.

If you try to call him on it you will get a long gaslighting session.

Not worth it.

This is a form of DV I think OP

I agree with this. People who behave this way will not have that they are doing anything fundamentally wrong and you will end up listening to a load of crap.

That has actually gone through my mind too…

@StarDolphins i agree ignoring doesn’t work. Done that and got the tshirt.

My ex used to do this, give me the silent treatment for days. In the end if he was being a Twat and ignoring me I would say loudly on the phone to a friend ' oh he is stropping so I finally have some peace for a few days , it's lush ' he stopped doing it then and found new ways to punish me like hiding my car keys and bank card. Relationship only lasted around a year before I finished it.

Sorry, misread your post in a hurry. Ignore me

Could you talk to his mother? Explain what's happened and that you feel like he's lost control. He might feel some shame if he knew someone else he cared about was aware of his childish behaviour.

She also might be able to offer him support which it sounds like he's going to need.

No point telling him, he will either deny any ill-intent or tell you you're being over-sensitive and act aggrieved. If it's petty stuff that hurts your feelings but doesn't fundamentally harm you (eg physical, financial control, threats to hurt your relationship with the children) you don't ignore it (as in pretend it's not happening), you just don't give him a visible response.

Your actual response should be a) accelerate your departure as much as possible in order to remove yourself from this toxic environment and b) limit his access to hurt you as much as possible. That might mean removing items of value etc as a previous poster smartly suggested, and minimising your interactions with him as much as possible.

Be aware that once he recognises that you are limiting his access to you and withdrawing, he will likely escalate this behaviour.

Don't worry about your children understanding what is going on at this point. You can explain things later once you are all out of this toxic environment. Make leaving your first priority.

Address the behaviour when you are calm and collected: ‘Earlier today, I felt xyz when you did xyz. I thought I’d tell you in case you are not aware of your behaviour and how it is impacting me. Please stop behaving this way as it’s not good for our relationship. It would be much more helpful if you did xyz’.

If he keeps ignoring your requests - leave.

Thank you all.

@Letsbepractical unfortunately, I’ve done the ‘I felt X when you did Y’ but I can’t say it has been impactful!
Rather he just carries on with whatever works for him.