How do you answer to a partner punishing you?

[LakeSnake]

Yes that’s dh.
No it’s not ok and I’m planning my exit. But, as it’s often the case, it’s complicated and I need to get organised first.

In the mean time, dh has taken to ‘punishing’ me, aka doing something that he knows I’ll find hurtful in reaction to not doing what he expected me to do.
Not sure how to react

• not say anything to not give him the pleasure to see me upset
• tell him so he knows 1- I know what he is doing and 2- it’s not ok.
• retaliate (only joking there).

Thankfully, I’ve had time to calm down so whatever I’m doing will be coming from calm rather than rage. It’s a good start.

Bonus point to whoever can help me doing that whilst conveying the message to our dcs I am not accepting this type of behaviour.

Well I'd just tell him to fuck off with his petty bullshit

It might not be physical DV but it is certainly abuse.

Very controlling.

So revenge and punishment are two responses narcissists make when they experience shame (there are others including violence towards self or others). I would assess these revenge enactments for danger/harm to you and ignore small ones and react firmly to large ones. But this is all besides the point: he won’t stop because its all he knows. Just avoid, grey rick, snd get out.

Why is it complicated to leave op? Why can’t you just go?

Which is now against the law but hard to prove

I stand by what I said grey rock him.

OP, this sounds like coercive control. Please seek advice and support from Womens Aid.

What about saying (in a surprised/bemused way) "why did you just do/say that?"

Then whatever his reply, just go "oh, right" in a non-reactive bland tone and carry on with whatever you was doing.

My EXDP used to do this.

I just used to grey rock him as he would deny doing any of his punishments, or do what I could to minimise the impact on me.

E.g. during Covid working from home, he used to get angry that I had work meetings, so would "accidentally" allow my autistic, non-verbal, noisy then 3 year old to run in and disrupt them. After a few times of asking him to stop, and him claiming DC moved too fast for him, I took to locking the door. He got a shock that time, and got angry about that instead, but funny enough DC never "accidentally" attempted to join my meetings again.

I left him 18 months after my initial decision, as had to arrange for house sale, new school for DC etc.

Make sure to get all your ducks in a row, and it helps to focus your thoughts on your new life when he is being emotionally abusive. I used to laugh to myself in the last year or so of being with EXDP as I knew it would be ending soon. Once I did that, the impact used to affect me so much less.

Good luck OP, you can do this!