Is boyfriend not over his previous relationship?

[Takethat4]

After 5 years together and a toddler, dp has told me he feels he can’t be with me anymore. He says he wants to and always has but says he’s felt guilty for ages, for leaving his DS age 9 from previous relationship with a broken home. When he feels happy with me, he doesn’t deserve it because of what he did to his DS.
We include his DS in everything, holidays , days out but I’ve always noticed DP frequently acting off and on edge, like he could never fully relax. He always calls DS and ex away from me, like he doesn’t want DS to know he’s with me and toddler. At drop offs his DS is getting very upset and is feeling left out knowing his Dad is going home with our toddler and me. Having 50/50 custody won’t work because we live one hour away from his home/school.
I really don’t know what to say or do in this situation? He’s still home but the atmosphere is horrible because I do not know where I stand. He has a tendency to bury his head in the sand and will probably plod on but I can’t carry on as normal after him telling me this.

Well that does not hold logic. If he leaves you, he will be leaving your child and creating another “broken home”. Plus would probably upset his ds as he wouldn’t see you again and you’ve been in his life a long time.

Sounds like that’s not the real reason. Could he have met someone else?

This is is exactly what I said. Our toddler will also have a broken home and his response was , it’s just not fair on his DS that he’s moved on and had a new family. So I am assuming he’s trying to make things ‘fair’

I don’t believe he’s met anyone , I’m not seeing any signs.

Do you think him and the ex could have rekindled?

Make it clear he will be having your toddler half the time. How will he make it fair to both dc?

He's utterly full of shit
Whatever the real reason behind this shift in attitude is, that isn't it
He's either getting back with his ex or has someone new

Erm well, I suppose I'd advise him to seek counselling to help him confront his feelings of guilt. They are spoiling his normal enjoyment of family life which directly impacts on you and your security. That's not acceptable.

Does he have any insight into being overwrought about this?

I don’t believe they have rekindled, at drop off she seemed as normal with me and doesn’t seem the type to do that

DS did get very upset at drop off this weekend and I felt so shit leaving so I can only imagine how DP felt. I have mentioned maybe more one on one time with his DS instead of these family days out and holidays.

Emotionally he’s quite weak. Hes made passing comments off ‘I know I need to speak with someone’ but carries on burying his head, distracting himself with work.
If he has met someone then I’m sure I will soon find out soon

IME men don’t leave unless the grass is greener. I have yet to hear of a man throwing a relationship away for nothing. Make sure you and your toddler are well cared for and don’t do the pick me dance for this bloke.

Maybe suggest family therapy for him and DS to attend together? It sounds like it is weighing heavily and guilt can really be the thief of joy.

Sorry OP but something isn't adding up here. He's told you he can't be with you anymore because he feels bad for leaving his DS 5 years ago?! So he's now going to leave another child / relationship / family home in order to rectify that?

I know a lot of parents who aren't together anymore and they ALL feel bad for their child having to live between two houses / not having mum and dad together anymore. That's just natural! However I don't know of anyone who would then split up with their new / next partner because of feeling guilty about leaving a previous relationship. How's that going to help his DS in any way???

I would have to agree with @Pablothepalm and assume that he is either hoping to reconcile with his ex or potentially there is someone else on the scene...

So basically he left one kid with a broken home and he’s about to do the same again and finding reasons for it?

how old was his kid when he left the first time, similar age?

Exactly what I thought, it’s a bit extreme to want to leave this family over guilt , especially since I am very loving and kind to his DS and have always treated him like my own, even before having my toddler. The ex is very happy with me with how I treat DS. If DP did want to reconcile with ex I won’t stand in the way or if he’s fallen in love with someone else either. It’s the fact he’s said he can’t do it anymore yet still stays and acts like normal. I tried speaking about it again last night and he shut down.

Doesn’t add up to me. Why create two broken homes? He needs to confront things and be honest with you. Seems a bit flimsy and suspicious to me….

He’s met someone new and is justifying leaving you. What a pig.

It makes zero sense, he's lying. I mean you could go digging or just say - that makes no sense at all, but feel free to craic on and have 2 kids you 'feel guilty' about.

I’ve never felt the need to go digging until now. I can openly use his phone as he’s not secretive with it but I don’t want him to know I’m snooping so I will have to do it while he’s asleep.
Id rather him be honest and tell me he’s met someone because I’m reasonable and understand people fall out of love / think the grass is greener. It would be over and I’d move on because I’m still young and have my life. I adore our toddler and love life.
I take most things with a pinch of salt but what he’s told me this weekend I can’t let go. He’s speaking to me like normal and making plans still as a family, still wanting to book our summer holiday and so on but I am again going to mention tonight - You told me you couldn’t be with me anymore. You broken down and cried saying you have held this in for a while now.

Why did he split up with his ex?

'John, your full of shit. I know you're full of shit. You know you're full of shit. So tell me what the actual reason is for your wishy washy bs is lately. Because we're nipping it in the bud right now one way or the other. I'm not having you treat me like crap a second longer'.

According to them both they ‘grew apart’ and didn’t want DS to see any arguing anymore.
She hasn’t gone into too much detail when we’ve spoke about it and seems to speak highly of dp but has made it clear to me that she’ll never interfere with our relationship but doesn’t want DS to witness any rows as he saw a lot when he was younger. She’s never put dp down but she did make a comment once when he was rushing her to get DS ready because we had something booked. She said ‘alright chill out’ and gave me a look and rolled her eyes. I see a personality clash a little but they did use to be a big stoners together before DS so maybe life changes, sobering up could have been the reason.

Thankyou I’ll be using that paragraph. I really cannot take this drawn out bs any longer.

It sounds very much to me as though he wants to get back with his ex. People have a way of rationalising what they do so they can do as they please without the burden of guilty feelings spoiling it. When he left he would have told himself it was better for DS than living with unhappy parents. Now he wants to leave you (and possibly go back) he's telling himself this is better for DS. If I were you I'd ignore his reasonings and just focus on what he intends to do. Go or stay. That's what you need to know, the rest is irrelevant.

This! I know it must be bloody painful to hear that from your dp but don't let him dump his feelings of whatever on you and your child. That will not be a healthy environment for your little one to grow up in. Tell him he either shapes up or ships out. Don't let him pull you on the rollercoaster with him. You have a child, you have enough on your plate.

Oh no, I would NOT be tiptoeing around this bullshit. He can't drop that on you and expect you to be fine!
Pin him down. Bloody weasel.

I did think it may be something to do with wanting to be back with ex as my question asks if he’s over his previous relationship.
Distance can make the heart grow fonder and maybe he’s missing the family unit he had.

He’s taken on my advice of having more one on one time with DS and is
collecting him from his first day at school today. Normally, after a weekend he would leave it till a Wednesday to see him but I said go get him Tonight. Our toddler won’t care let’s be honest.
He sounded happier on the phone and said ‘you sure don’t mind?’ As in, leaving me to collect toddler from nursery and care of our toddler alone tonight etc. I have no issue what so ever, his DS will be happy and excited to see him.
I will still be having our conversation when he’s home.

I am very concerned for the environment for our toddler.
That is why I can’t let what he said go. Part of me wants to say just piss off then? Change locks and kick him out.
I will know what I am doing tonight after we speak. I want and need answers.