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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is boyfriend not over his previous relationship?

45 replies

Takethat4 · 14/04/2024 19:06

After 5 years together and a toddler, dp has told me he feels he can’t be with me anymore. He says he wants to and always has but says he’s felt guilty for ages, for leaving his DS age 9 from previous relationship with a broken home. When he feels happy with me, he doesn’t deserve it because of what he did to his DS.
We include his DS in everything, holidays , days out but I’ve always noticed DP frequently acting off and on edge, like he could never fully relax. He always calls DS and ex away from me, like he doesn’t want DS to know he’s with me and toddler. At drop offs his DS is getting very upset and is feeling left out knowing his Dad is going home with our toddler and me. Having 50/50 custody won’t work because we live one hour away from his home/school.
I really don’t know what to say or do in this situation? He’s still home but the atmosphere is horrible because I do not know where I stand. He has a tendency to bury his head in the sand and will probably plod on but I can’t carry on as normal after him telling me this.

OP posts:

Iaskedyouthrice · 15/04/2024 15:41

Why can't he spend time with both of his children? Am I missing something? Apart from his projection, which is why his son will be upset when he's saying goodbye by the way.
Separating the children wont solve anything, he will just come to expect it more and more and what does that say to your toddler as they grow up?
Mmmmm, methinks you are in for a bit of a shit show here. Now those words have left his mouth he will be watching to see what you will tolerate.
I hope you are strong enough to not put up with any bullshit cos I'm getting the feeling from what you have written, hes been pandered to alot throughout your relationship. It all sounds very intense. Just because he already had a child YOU matter too. It's not all about him and his. I hope you know that.

FollowTheFuckingInstructions · 15/04/2024 15:47

What a prat. Help him pack

Original poster

Takethat4 · 15/04/2024 16:00

I think he doesn’t see DS enough which isn’t helping with DS getting upset. He does one school pick up, dinner, bath, bed. When he’s at DS house, he will FaceTime me and toddler to say hello but I always feel like I’m imposing on his Father and son time, since he’s hardly there why get us involved and make DS speak to us. I think he asks DS if he’d like to speak to us, but I think DS says yes to be polite?
Then we have DS over the weekend or just a Sunday. School holidays like summer, DS is in holiday clubs or on a holiday abroad with us.

OP posts:

Original poster

Takethat4 · 15/04/2024 16:02

@FollowTheFuckingInstructions

I have had that thought come across my mind today. Saying ‘ F this drama I can’t be bothered!

OP posts:

Cronchy · 15/04/2024 16:08

It’s good he’s thinking of resolving his guilt about leaving his first child, not with therapy or working to become the best dad possible, but instead by leaving his second child.
he sounds smart and like he’s found the best solution for everyone. Not at all selfish, to leave you in this relationship limbo whilst he buries his head too. Constantly thinking of others this guy huh.

it’s also great that the answer so far to him worrying about not being a good dad, appears to have been upset you and destabilise your relationship, and then for you to fix his problem for him by telling him what he needs to do, and also you him doing less parenting of his youngest whilst you pick up the slack.

Absolutely put your foot down op. The audacity of this man.

waterrat · 15/04/2024 16:12

Hi - rather than be suspicious - how about taking this at face value - your partner is dealing with unresolved trauma from break up and moving away from his son,

Can you move back so he can have 50/50 and a lot more ease for drop offs/pick ups - as the child gets older - it will be hard being an hour away.

Then get some therapy for your partner?

Original poster

Takethat4 · 15/04/2024 16:12

@Cronchy
you really hit the nail on the head!

OP posts:

Iaskedyouthrice · 15/04/2024 16:26

Why don't you try to start centering your life around what is best for you and your toddler @Takethat4 ? You can't go wrong that way.
This man is not it my love. He's just not. You have pandered to him too much and now he only thinks about himself and his feelings/needs. It's a mistake plenty of women make to keep a man happy. I am willing to bet he's convinced you that you and your toddlers needs are not as important as him and his first childs, thats fair enough to tolerate for yourself but don't do that to your child.
You shouldn't be figuring this out for him either. He's a grown man. Who has managed to get you to tie yourself in knots trying to make his life easier. He's not daft.

Original poster

Takethat4 · 15/04/2024 16:27

We did live closer when I was pregnant. We lived about 20 mins away and DP had a different job where he had more free time to do more school drop offs and generally see DS more. He then got a new job and we found a house an hour away. At the time we all discussed this, Me, Dp, ex, MIL and came to the decision that DP was going to be ok with the distance and driving.
Maybe over the years it’s taken its toll, especially now DS is older, understands more.
Its hard to say if I’d move as toddler is settled
in nursery, I have made friends and a support network. It’s something I’d have to really think about. It could make the situation better, but I don’t want to up sticks for him to piss me about again.

OP posts:

Original poster

Takethat4 · 15/04/2024 16:30

@Iaskedyouthrice

This is sound advice. Something that I would say to someone too.
I love focusing on myself and my toddler, it’s when I feel the happiest. When I focus on him and what he’s feeling, I feel stressed.

OP posts:

Peakfreens · 15/04/2024 16:37

Sound to me like he's got a new potential baby mamma lined up.

He's a shit.

Sagittarius · 15/04/2024 16:47

He is too cowardly to admit the real reason!

His reason makes no sense , as he would be doing exactly the same to you and your son. I would be suspicious that he wants to rekindle , if not already done so, with his ex.

Iaskedyouthrice · 15/04/2024 17:19

Takethat4 · 15/04/2024 16:30

@Iaskedyouthrice

You and your little one will be grand. Do not take any more bullshit! If not for you, for your child. Unleash the tiger mum and tell him to sort his shit out or fuck off. Good luck 💐

Whatifthehokeycokey · 15/04/2024 18:22

How old was his first child when he left? Sounds like a pattern.

Original poster

Takethat4 · 15/04/2024 18:24

@Whatifthehokeycokey Yeah, I’d be lying if it hasn’t crossed my mind that it seems like a pattern.
Child was 2 so similar age to ours.

OP posts:

Original poster

Takethat4 · 16/04/2024 15:31

Well we had our conversation. His response was ‘I thought you could see what I want by my actions that I haven’t left I am still here I was just trying to open up to you about how I was feeling ’ He’s carrying on as normal like he didn’t say he was leaving me.
He FaceTime at DS house last night and asked toddler and me what we would like do do this weekend with DS like nothing has happened.
This morning called from work asking what tea I’d like brought in tonight
I am going to have to have another conversation because burying his head isn’t going to work.

OP posts:

Iaskedyouthrice · 16/04/2024 18:40

Mmm, I will repeat what I posted. He will be noting how you react and what you will tolerate. I can tell you this, if you stay with this man, you will never feel secure or safe. He will always keep you on the backfoot.
How did you respond when he was waffling on? Did you firmly ask him to stop chatting bullshit? When he facetimed you or rang from work did you tell him you had nothing to say until he told you why he said what he said?
He will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. When a man like this senses you will just keep quiet and put up with him treating you terribly, it's game over.
I hope one day you realise you and your child are worth more than this.

Epidote · 16/04/2024 19:25

Great! He want to make it fair doing to his toddler the same he did to his daughter. It doesn't make sense. If he were feeling guilty he will be the best father for both of them, and doesn't look like that by the look of it.
I don't know know if he want to go back to his ex, what I got clear is the wherever that man will go is going to create drama and mess.

Pinkbonbon · 16/04/2024 20:22

So basically you put down boundaries and he started to backtrack.

Being honest my foot.
He was trying to make you play the pick me dance. And now he's worried he may have overshot his hand because you're not kissing his ass trying to get him to stay.

Pick yourself. Tell him to pack his shit and fuck off. He's a cheeky fucker.

But if you do give him another chance, make sure he knows that contact with his ex is for pick ups and drop offs only going forwards. That he's only to meet her in a public place etc.

Any more bs, mind games, hints that he's ztill into her, innapropriate messaging...disrespect at all towards you, then turf him out.

Cronchy · 16/04/2024 21:01

Oh it was your fault for not reading his inaction as a declaration of love for you and your toddler?

also obviously you’ve shown he can’t ’open up to you’ as well so now he’s the victim.
great. Seems fair

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