Women want to have sex with other people too!

[Yeahmetoodude]

I'll save the details and cut to the chase. I'm dealing with a mid life crisis partner. I cut sex off 18 months ago. Since then he's had sex with other people. He says once, but I don't know details or whether that's even true, makes no difference really because he says he can't get back together again in a monogamous way. He's talking about how men need sex, men treat and feel differently about sex than women do. Any sex that he has had does not impact how he feels about me and the children.....

We are not getting back together under those circumstances, but I just want to ask do (most) men know nothing about female sexuality?!

I'm also mid 40s, I also wish I had more sex with more men when I was younger. I also love looking at men, having a fantasy or two in my head! I think having two or more men totally focused on me in the bedroom sounds great! I have a cheeky flirt once in a while. When i go out i dress up in the hope I'm attractive to others. I touch myself. I love orgasms. My fanny didn't shut down completely only to be activated by him when i met him!

I still value monogamy.

Of course I can go and do all of this now, some of which I will! But for Pete's sakes, where do men get off thinking their sexual needs are so special why so many of them screw up their families to go satisfy it (of course there will be exceptions where women have done it), but I mostly see it with men.

Ok. Ranting done.

Signing off, sexually alive 40 odd year old woman who was still able to put her relationship and family first!

You cut sex off 18 months ago? Why? What did you think would happen to your relationship when you did this?

If you cut off sex for so long, without a discussion or explanation, then it's unfair to think he will simply accept it too. Not saying an affair is the solution, but he is not fully in the wrong.

Agree with this.

Why did you cut off sex if you still want sex?

@BigPussyEnergy loving your name. Just finishing season 2

Our relationship and therefore sex life, was in a bad place.

I'm not upset at him having sex over the past 18 months. I dontvregard that as an affair. It's that we're in a much much better place now and started having conversations about resuming our relationship and he has said he wants that but not to be monogamous as he no longer is. And then on top of it, says it's a man's thing that I couldn't possibly understand. 🤣

He has in some way checked out of the relationship it appears. Perhaps the issues have made him introspect his life choices. Could be he wants something more exciting sexually and is not confident you both could get there after you cut off sex. That was obviously not a mutual decision. He might still be hurt by that.

Yup, he says its sexual and general freedom that he's after.

Its not so much that as telling me its a man thing. Aa though women's sexuality is a little mioaw to a man's roar. Er, no.

If a relationship is having problems, cutting if sex for 18 months won't fix it. If the problems were so big that after a few months break from sex to step back and reassess things, you still didn't want sex with him...you should have ended the marriage.

Tbf, he could have done that too rather than cheat but...I have to agree with pp...no sex for 18 months from your partner...could easily push some people to cheat. Not because of the lack of sex but because of the feeling of rejection that would come with that.

Maybe he felt it was a punishment for something. Or that you didn't want to work on the marriage.

The added layer is rejection though. Not just that he wanted sex but that he wanted to feel wanted again.

How annoying that while you were both working on your relationship that he thought it was ok to sleep with other women and furthermore now that you are getting on track wants to continue! I think this is out of order tbh and opens door for a real affair if you get back together, puts you in vulnerable position.
Was it a conscious thing and did you tell him sex was off the table or is it something you couldn’t stomach anymore. It’s ok to say yes to either, it’s not a god given right for men to get sex when the rest of their behaviour is terrible as how can you reconcile being intimate in bed where outside of the bedroom
there are serious issues! I don’t think it’s a direct punishment thing but I know with my ex h that things were so awful that I couldn’t bear the thought of him touching me!
I Am a believer in make up sex but sometimes the situation isn’t right for this.

He's talking about how men need sex, men treat and feel differently about sex than women do

so he must be having sex with men then if this is true.

Has he actually said that you can't sleep with other people? Sounds like he wouldn't care if you did dress up and meet other men etc. in fact I think he's holding the door open for you to do so.

If you don't like it you don't have to stay with him. You weren't sleeping with him anyway so he is halfway to just being a housemate. I'm not sure what you really want him for unless there's a massive drip feed coming to say he's loaded? Owns the house?

So, who is he having this sex with? I mean, if women's sexuality is different, presumably no female will engage in this casual thing?
I think maybe you are not compatible any more.

Well, obviously he’s being ridiculous in that respect. But you cannot change the very bedrock of your relationship, and then expect to be able to just pick up where you left off.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have stopped having sex BTW, but I am
that something so fundamental will probably have major consequences. I am not sure all in all either of you have put your family first.

Does he understand this is a deal breaker for you? If he does then I think it’s a way of saying he wants out but wanting you to make the call. But anyway, change happens, if you can’t jointly find a way back, focus on a civilised finish.

Well it is a societal myth isn't it, that men have greater libidos than women.

It is not true in my experience. And in fact, we have a much greater capacity to experience sexual pleasure than men do. They are limited to a certain number of orgasms within a time limit (I know it does vary from man to man) in a way that (most) women just aren't.....

However, your husband is just repeating what he has heard, implicitly and explicitly, all his life I suppose. Nontheless it is twattish of him to believe it, I agree.

If I were you I would go off and have all the sex it sounds like you are craving, and enjoy yourself! Just build a friendship with your ex so you can co-parent well if possible, but forget the rest.

Without being a man, how can you know what one (your husband) feels like?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/talking-apes/202212/do-men-really-have-stronger-sex-drives-than-women?amp

• On average, men have higher sex drives, but about a third of women have a higher sex drive than the average male.

The OP isn’t saying she knows what her husband or men in general feel like. She’s saying he’s being an idiot to assume women aren’t interested in sex with other people. The link you posted doesn’t do anything to disprove that (not that it would, whatever it said - there’s no definitive findings in this area).

What things did you and DH do to try and improve things?

He sounds like a dickhead.

If you want monogamy and he wants to fuck around, the relationship is done. Tell him to fuck off.

He's maybe worried if he agreed to get back together that you'll just cut off sex again.

Of course women want sex with other people too, but in reality some don't have the time or wish due to kids, jobs, hormones, menopause, shame etc. What bothers me is the toxic idea that if women want or have sex with many partners, they are sluts. Unfortunately women are judged harshly by men and a lot of other women. Just look at the threads here about "high bodycounts" etc.
Now, it's clear that you want different things and I don't know if there's any coming back from this situation. Perhaps it would be better if you break it off.

Sounds like you shut your relationship down without a discussion
You reap what you sow.

I sounds like she (and you) are saying that woman are somehow much better than men for wanting to have sex with other people but not doing it.

Lots of discussion on my side about everything. I assure you. I'm really not hung up that he did it. I am upset that he now says he's not monogamous (as a stand alone matter) and that it's a kind of natural state for men (which irritates me because I believe it is no more the case for men than women).

Do I think men tend to blow up their families, lives, careers over sex more than women? Yes, from what I've seen in my own family and community and yes, from what is reported on the news about people i don't know. Maybe women are having all the sex, but just being smarter about it?

Signing off now as it's late.

Well cutting off sex for 18 months has obviously made him think that you've gone off it. Now he's saying he's happy to resume the relationship but he doesn't want it to just carry on like the last 18 months - he still thinks you're not interested in sex. So maybe he'd be up for monogamy if you two could repair the sexual side? On the other hand, he's had a taste of sexual freedom after (presumably) a lengthy monogamous relationship, and maybe he wouldn't want to give that up regardless. I think that, for most people, it signifies the end of your relationship - would likely feel a bit hollow if neither of you are satisfying each other sexually.

I did lots. By his own admission he did very little. He's massively avoidant, the sex he had was probably avoidsnce of addressing sex issues with us, which were a knock on effect of our relationshipproblems which then probably come from his childhood.

We spend at least one weekend day together with the children. We talk almost every night for an hour or so. we go on holidays But specifics on our relationship? Very little. He said he had a fear of failure.

It is what it is.