Women want to have sex with other people too!

[Yeahmetoodude]

I'll save the details and cut to the chase. I'm dealing with a mid life crisis partner. I cut sex off 18 months ago. Since then he's had sex with other people. He says once, but I don't know details or whether that's even true, makes no difference really because he says he can't get back together again in a monogamous way. He's talking about how men need sex, men treat and feel differently about sex than women do. Any sex that he has had does not impact how he feels about me and the children.....

We are not getting back together under those circumstances, but I just want to ask do (most) men know nothing about female sexuality?!

I'm also mid 40s, I also wish I had more sex with more men when I was younger. I also love looking at men, having a fantasy or two in my head! I think having two or more men totally focused on me in the bedroom sounds great! I have a cheeky flirt once in a while. When i go out i dress up in the hope I'm attractive to others. I touch myself. I love orgasms. My fanny didn't shut down completely only to be activated by him when i met him!

I still value monogamy.

Of course I can go and do all of this now, some of which I will! But for Pete's sakes, where do men get off thinking their sexual needs are so special why so many of them screw up their families to go satisfy it (of course there will be exceptions where women have done it), but I mostly see it with men.

Ok. Ranting done.

Signing off, sexually alive 40 odd year old woman who was still able to put her relationship and family first!

I've yet to meet a man with a greater libido than mine. But that doesn't mean I know how other women think k, let alone men.

The main thing life has taught me is that everyone is different.

He is talking bollocks (i have met plenty of men who want more emotional intimacy thsn i need, for example, and they usually seem more interested in monogamy than i do,) but if he's certain he's no longer monogamous and that is important to you, then it seems you're no longer compatible.

I know more women that have had affairs / been unfaithful than men - it’s definitely not a case of it ‘usually’ being men at all.

MN will be heavily skewed as it’s mostly women, and a lot of those that have been unfaithful will pretend they haven’t.

I think he’s found someone he wants to have sex with yet he still wants the comforts of you and the kids! He has drastically changed the goal posts and what he’s asking of you isn’t something a lot of women would accept. He’s using the excuse that he’s a bloke. If he needs so much sex why can’t he have it with one person, you! I have a high sex drive as a female but I only want my DP because I am also emotionally intimate with him as well.
op you sound so over this! You sound like you are up for sex and ready to get out there tbh
and just cut him loose!

OP cut off sex 18 months ago so he knows he can't just have sex with her when he wants. She's expecting him to be monogamous but she won't have sex with him.

So tell him you're up for an open marriage. You're saying you're up for anything he is, so what's the issue? Agree discretion, to talk of it becomes more than sex, to never bring someone home without agreement.

@Illpickthatup I think that’s what happened when the relationship broke down however @Yeahmetoodude did you let him know sex is back on the table if he wants a monogamous relationship. It’s just funny how he’s emotionally intimate with op now with the phone calls and family time … I could have read this all wrong🤦‍♀️

I do love these men who think they’re experts on women, that women can’t possibly understand mens ‘needs’, but think they have a full understanding of a woman’s. So bloody arrogant.

He certainly is no expert on women’s needs, but he knows he needs sex with multiple people.

Presumably after an 18 month drought / working on the relationship, he’s rediscovered the joy of the new / different or whatever he experienced. You’ll need to decide if this is something you can live with, as I think whatever he’s discovered will just be taken underground.
If this is not acceptable to you, just cut him loose.

@Secondstart1001

Exactly. We were getting on so well I brought reconciliation to the table.

I wasn't expecting him to not have sex with anyone when I said I wouldn't any longer. I expected us to end fully. We didn't, he doubled down and actually started being far more like the man I wanted to be with. So yes, i was surprised that he'd put forward an open version of our relationship when he knew I'd absolutely not go for it. When I probed it wasn't so much the person etc it was his freedom that he had grown accustomed too (he says). It might be the kind of sex, too, yes. I haven't asked him an awful lot of detail about it. I have to be careful about my own thoughts and feelings, I don't need to know so much I could flesh it out in my head. This is precisely why I know I'm not a good fit for an open relationship. But then I truly doubt he is either.

I stopped sex because it was too hard for me psychologically and emotionally given where our relationship was and all of that stuff came out in the sex. It left me feeling quite bad. Talking to him about it didn't help.

I have wondered whether he's been able to be a much better partner because of the sex/relationship experiences he's had elsewhere.

He called me late last night to ask what we can do to make this all right. I don't know. Maybe there's too much water under the bridge.

I'll have to think and feel my way through We agreed a way forward. Baby steps. But for me not being monogamous is a deal breaker. It's also a huge change for him, so I guess we'll see what comes of that.

On women's sexuality which is really what brought me here. I agree, many women have very active sex drives. That's part of the reason societies have tried to suppress it so much? Fgm. Chastity belts. Ideas about slags and sluts etc.

The point is women love sex too! We're very well physiologically set up the have great old time. If we behave differently (fewer sexual partners etc) I wonder whether its because of those social forces rather than our true natures (abd those encouragingmen in the oppodire direction). How is that supposed to work exactly? I was surprised to hear a man I'd had many years of sex with voice views to the contrary. Its just not true.

Agreed. I need to understand more about the multiple partners angle. Of its a pure change in sexual preference, its the end of the road. That conversation needs to be had, and it needs to be honest, so I think it'll be hard for him to say and me to hear.

I knew him for years before we got together. It actually turned me off a bit when we were teens /very early 20s. He had his fun as a young guy. Maybe he's picked up where he left off before we got together. But during our relationship I didn't feel that really.

If you were willing to weaponise sex 18 months ago and have it be an open relationship or however you classed it then the horse has truly bolted. Maybe he's able to be more present in his relationship with you because of its open status. I don't think you can reasonably expect him to be back in a closed relationship with you at this point. It's up to you whether or not that's a breaking point. Seems a bit silly of a hill to die on now. His crap rationale isn't really where your focus should be. He's made it clear what he wants. You can't argue him out of it by telling him his rationale is crap (which it is!). You need to make a decision about what you want.

Oh stop. I didn't weaponise sex and it wasn't ever an open relationship. You clearly haven't read my messages.

I'm going to sign off now to get on with the week and engage with him as he clearly wants to with me. I just wondered whether any other women had experienced this reasoning or had something to say about female sexuality.

Bye

It seems that the female libido seems to be your many focus here.

It's irrelevant to the position you find yourself in. You have a chat husband, who wants to remain a cheating husband but us choosing to dress up his cheating as an agreed open relationship. Open relationships don't work unless all parties have the exact same view on them.

What he is proposing isn't compatible with what you need and want.

Speak for yourself. I don’t. Very happily married for 35 years, no interest elsewhere. Mutual.

Find another man to be monogamous with then while keeping up the charade of a marriage.

Didn't you post this exact same post before?

IME, men who suddenly want to move into an open relationship mid marriage have already been doing that for years.

There are many excuses with this sort of reasoning.

It is very useful for them to have someone to wash their socks and fall back on whilst playing the field.

What were the issues with him that led to the problems 18 months ago?

How the fuck have you come to that conclusion?

The OPs Ex is a bloke himself.

I was being sarcastic about his blatant misogyny.

I can guarantee that your dp would feel very differently about an open relationship if it was you having sex with other men.

OP - on the question of female vs male sexuality - I think you are confusing sex drive AND a more general emotional/physical meaning of sex for males and females.

So you rant would be justified if he was talking about women not understanding or having as much of libido as men. That statement would justify a rant.

But - I think his point on men and women having a different way they experience sex - in as a physical act VS physical/emotional connection is not totally wrong.

It of course differs for people and everybody is different. But in some general sense - men are more able to separate out the physical and women are more prone to attach (or need) an emotional meaning.
This is exactly why you ‘stopped sex’ as the emotional side was difficult for you while your relationship was in some turmoil.
So - no real reason to rant about this.

But - the main point of your post I think is frustration that your relationship has changed. My guess is that you two have been together for a long time. And now you are in mid-life and 18month break in your physical relationship did change something for him.
You don’t have to be with him on his terms. But i do not think that it’s fair to judge him - it’s his life and he can want what he wants.

You both sound odd to me.
Go your separate ways and move one.

I can't believe you even care about some silly comment he made. I'm still getting my head round you unilaterally stopping all sex and him shagging other people.

I know it’s an old thread but It’s not a man thing it’s a selfish twat thing