He records me

[Oddoneoutx]

He’s 47. I’m 39. No children.
I will start off by saying I think I am trauma bonded to him. I have no money and no where to go but at the same time I feel like I can’t leave.

We’ve been together 4 years. I do everything for him. Cool, clean, look after his pets. He is very particular. A very negative person. Everything is always someone else’s fault. A glass half empty kind of guy.
an argument always ends in “ look what I’ve got compared to you, I’ve got a house, a car, money etc”

the last year he’s been taking a lot of stuff out of me. Verbally. Again everything is my fault. About 8 months ago I snapped and argued back. From then on I’ve changed. I’m short tempered. I defend myself ALOT, I can’t relax. I’m always second guessing.
but what he does now is fuels the fire then when I argue back and lose my shit he records me on his phone. (Video) and threatens to send it to the police as domestic / emotional abuse and tells me I’ll lose my job.
when he records me he is always the calm one which winds me up more. I feel so frustrated and angry that someone can be so nasty I feel like I can’t control myself and I know I should stay quiet but it’s my breaking point.

I tried to record him back once and he smashed my phone up.
he has “dog cameras” in the house which he uses too to take parts from when we argue. If I walk away he tells me men die all the time from woman like me.

what would the police do
about me? Would they believe him?

Why are you worrying about what the police would do

LEAVE

You need to contact Women's Aid in the first instance, they'll be able to advise you on next steps. Also report him to the police as what he's doing is abuse (I don't use that term lightly).

Do you have a family member or friend that you can confuse in and maybe stay with temporarily?

Well you can go out and get access to a phone and advice presumably. Go outside and tell someone. Helpline? Some libraries are safe spaces? Police? The alternative is to waste days of your 1 life with this absolute tool. You're 39 & its only been 4 years so you must have had a life before you met him. Do you have a job?
Don't make a man your God. I hope you break free.

Confide*

I’m worried about what the police would do because he has videos or me arguing back and basically at the end of my tether in tears

As long as your not hitting or threatening him
They wont do anything

The police will be on your side

Go to them now

Leave the house right now and go to the police station

They are much better trained in domestic abuse

They are used to abusers manipulative games and threats

Please go

Take any paperwork and passports etc with you if you can

It'll be ok

You'll be ok

But only once you leave

They're not stupid they can see through what he's doing

Don't worry about that side of things

If the police arrested everybody who argued with their partner the prisons would be overflowing. I mean it's not like you're chasing him round the house with a carving knife. This is just a pathetic attempt to control you. Leave this unpleasant man without a second thought. What's he going to say to the police if you leave? I'm being abused by my partner who has walked out?

He's a piece of shit. Please leave him.

This.

The police are not fools. They will believe you.

Joining the chorus of the Police will recognise this for what it is, a form of coercive control. . If he has smashed your phone then I would also worry this may escalate from emotional abuse and coercive control into physical harm. Please consider leaving him, please consider speaking with women's aid and getting some advice, don't waste more of your precious life with this man, you deserve to be safe (physically and emotionally).

Don't worry, they will believe you and take it seriously. Look up 'reactive abuse'. You need to get away but the support is there. Contact womens aid as well. The trauma bond will disappear when the fog clears and it hits you how bad you have been abused by this man.

@Oddoneoutx

You need to get away from this increasingly manipulative and abusive man as soon as possible.

When you are out of his house, can you speak to family or close friends to see if you can stay with them for a little while, whilst you look for somewhere else to live? It doesn't need to be a flat if your money is very tight but maybe look at a house share with other professional people? One site I'm aware of is Www.spareroom.co.uk but I'm sure you can find others. Also look at your local paper for rooms offered.

Don't tell him what you are doing as you need to stay as safe as possible and ensure your devices are secured with good pin/passwords he can't guess. Ensure he can't access your own personal bank account so change the passwords first these.

Do you work full time at your job and, if not, can you work more hours there so you can become more financially stable? Or get a second job to help finance your rent and living expenses away from him?

You deserve more than the situation you are in so take the steps you need to escape to a calmer environment. 🌹

That's no life for you.

Get out and get help.

I think you're in a financially vulnerable position. You can't end the relationship because you have nowhere to go and no money. This sums up the problem. I understand how frustrating it is. I feel sorry for you.

What would you gain by going to the police . The first thing the police would do is tell you to leave. He could ask the police to remove you from his house
you have no children you have no financial ties you can’t fix this to build a future

unless you leave nothing will change
you both sound deeply unhappy

If you are beating him to a pulp, the police would be interested

If you are threatening to kill him and then he turns up dead, the police would be interested

Anything else, the police would not be interested in

You need to get away. This is an abusive situation and dangerous for you

Is there anyone you could escape to - a friend or a relative?

Call his bluff and encourage him to report you to the police. He won't as he knows they will see through him and will recognise your reactions are a result of 4 years of emotional abuse and coercive control. How much more of this can you take? He won't stop until you attack him can he can show everyone what a victim he is and fully destroy you.
You mentioned that you work? Is he financially abusive as well or do you have your own money? If you do decide to leave, your local domestic abuse service should be able to support you to do so safely. If you don't have family or friends who can help you leave, have a look on spare room.com.
Good luck, what you are going through sounds horrendous

This sounds awful for you, I'm so sorry. It does not sound like you have done anything wrong but I'm sure the police would be interested in listening to you and what you are being subjected to.

You only get one shot at life. Please don't let this be yours (I am not in any way blaming you of course). It may feel helpless and that you have no options to leave but there is always a way. Definitely start by speaking to Women's Aid as has been advised already. Just take it in steps - it probably feels overwhelming but you just need to take one step first to help.

That's no way to live, you need to leave.

You are being abused OP, and you need to get out of this relationship asap.

You managed without this man in your life until four years ago, so there is no reason why you can't do so again.