He records me

[Oddoneoutx]

He’s 47. I’m 39. No children.
I will start off by saying I think I am trauma bonded to him. I have no money and no where to go but at the same time I feel like I can’t leave.

We’ve been together 4 years. I do everything for him. Cool, clean, look after his pets. He is very particular. A very negative person. Everything is always someone else’s fault. A glass half empty kind of guy.
an argument always ends in “ look what I’ve got compared to you, I’ve got a house, a car, money etc”

the last year he’s been taking a lot of stuff out of me. Verbally. Again everything is my fault. About 8 months ago I snapped and argued back. From then on I’ve changed. I’m short tempered. I defend myself ALOT, I can’t relax. I’m always second guessing.
but what he does now is fuels the fire then when I argue back and lose my shit he records me on his phone. (Video) and threatens to send it to the police as domestic / emotional abuse and tells me I’ll lose my job.
when he records me he is always the calm one which winds me up more. I feel so frustrated and angry that someone can be so nasty I feel like I can’t control myself and I know I should stay quiet but it’s my breaking point.

I tried to record him back once and he smashed my phone up.
he has “dog cameras” in the house which he uses too to take parts from when we argue. If I walk away he tells me men die all the time from woman like me.

what would the police do
about me? Would they believe him?

Go today to a police station and report him. Leaving taking all essential paperwork with you.

they will believe you. It isn’t normal to record people full stop. He broke your phone. If he really has been keeping these recordings the police will view them thoroughly, not just edits he uses to abuse you. They will show you Slaving away and then being abused.

leave. You have no children and so nobody thing you to him. Just go, report him and seek help from women’s aid and your local council. The police will also assist you. Block his number the day you walk out.

this is no life to live Ns you can make a happy life for yourself

You need to find an exit plan. People will say leave now and I agree whole heartedly but please be mindful the risk typically increases when you leave and you therefore need to be sensible about it. As a starting point can you google domestic abuse and the name of your county can you see if you have a local charity that can offer face to face support? Have you got any family or friends you could go and stay with? Would you consider a refuge? Where are your most important possessions, such as passport etc, can you find them all and hide them somewhere in the house or even better give them to someone to keep safe? Who knows what’s really been happening? Can you tell friends and family so they can monitor your safety and support you emotionally?

I'm going to go against the grain here and say the police will believe him. Wasn't there a documentary recently and inhome cctv was used to capture the wife with a knife? Her police interview she said she was so worn down she was asking him to finish her off. She wasn't believed and was charged with being the instigator. All us women who have been through it knew it was reactive abuse.
The police are not equipped for dealing with domestic abuse unless it is physical with clear cut evidence. I base that statement on the children dressed as police officers sent to "help" me.

If you have family or friends then I'd pack a bag and get out. At least plan how you can leave. He sounds like an utter bastard.

Leave first.
Work out the finances from a place of safety.

If you do have to be around him don't react to anything from now on, if its possible. He is gaining power by manipulating and button pushing then blaming your reaction as the problem. Take your power back by ignoring it and seeing for what it is. Abusive, controlling, manipulative. Leave as soon as you can.

It’s a well known abuse tactic. He’s as abusive as they come.

Log his abuse with the police ahead of an attempt to leave. In fact, log it anyway. Just in case. Call women’s aid. Get the fuck away from this old abusive cunt.

What will the police do? Maybe sure you're safe.

Leave him.

Definitely this. How long have you been living together? Did he love bomb you and escalate the relationship?

You've been with him 4 years so presumably you managed to live without him for many years before. You don't have to stay in this relationship. It sounds extremely toxic. Take control of your life and leave. Speak to a friend or family member and get support. You can do this 💐

Omg leave this relationship. It is going absolutely nowhere. Nothing good will ever ever come of it.

Please @Oddoneoutx just sit quietly for one minute with what you’re saying here.

what - honestly- do you think the police would actually do if he called them to come investigate the videos he’s made?

nothing. That’s what.

they wouldn’t even turn up! You’re not doing anything wrong at all.

what he’s doing though is domestic abuse and it’s escalating

I know it’s scary, but the sooner you get out, the sooner you’ll get better and recover from this. While you’re with him you will never get any better/stronger. Only ever weaker because that is what he wants

hes destroying you because he’s a weak, insignificant and pathetic coward.

stand up, inform yourself and without telling him a single thing, get out to a refuge or wherever.

do not stop until you’re out of this

We’ll be here for you the whole way.

There's a name for this:

www.verywellmind.com/reactive-abuse-signs-impact-and-tips-to-break-the-cycle-7567483

He's being extremely manipulative and abusing you. You don't have kids, so if you need o stay with a family member or get a shitty rental do it. There's no future here with you two

This is very sensible advice please follow it , you cannot live like this , this man is abusive and help is out there .

They would do very little, if anything.
Leave, get on with your life without the toxicity.

You have a job so you have access to money, pack a bag and leave. Stay with a friend while you look for accommodation.

The relationship is dead so get away.

OP, I'm going to say this as kindly as I can - he has done a number on you and you aren't thinking straight. He can only use the videos to blackmail you into staying.
If you pack a bag and leave, he can't then use any video against you because you leaving him alone is evidence you are not abusive.

Contact Women's Aid and the police. They are familiar with this kind of situation, and they can help you.

When you leave, ensure you take all your important documentation with you (eg passport, certificates, copies of financial documents etc). Do a change of address notification on the Royal Mail website. 🌹

The police will have seen this before and know exactly what he is upto. This relationship is dead in the water - you are experiencing coercive control - and his use of video recordings is to control you when you started fighting back. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/ THis will only get worse.

Speak to women's aid, report to the police, and get an exit plan in place.

Op may I ask what must happen before you decide to leave?

This is only gonna be worse and worse.

Report him, leave him.
He's having twisted mind and manipulating you.

Run, run, run till it's still time.

Yes, that pretty much nails it. He sounds like a weird, repulsive, abusive arsehole.

Arguing isn't a crime. Blackmail is... You need to leave op. Now.

I don’t understand, you’ve only been with him for 4 years, no dependants and your own money with your job. Unless there is a massive drip feed where you’re physically disabled and he’s your carer, then just move out.

'Arguing back' isn't a crime.

Leave him and there's fuck all he can do.

Speak with women's aid. Get a job and get out.