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Original poster

Ex trying take dcs

38 replies

BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 01:36

We live abroad. He lives in UK now.

He visits the dcs.

When he does, he talk to them about moving them to UK schools. Ds2 (14) tells me stbxh tells him he could do A levels in UK and ds3 (11) says stbxh says he could go to a boarding grammar school in UK.

Stbxh denies this.

He's Father Christmas when he's with them. Splashing the cash that he hasn't got. It's seductive for the body to think life with him will be constant outings and purchases.

I feel very threatened that he's trying to persuade the dcs to leave where they are established in a good school here already that does GCSEs and A levels. He wants them to leave me and to be in UK with him.

Stbxh has been convicted of assault against me and is very angry at the way things have turned out for him because he had affairs, rages and was abusive to me. I feel like he's trying to exact a kind of revenge on me.

How do I best handle this with the dcs?

OP posts:
MollyButton · 14/04/2024 05:17

Are your children happy at school? Do they have friends?
If so it is unlikely at their ages they would even want to move. Friends are very important at this age.
What language do they speak? Have they ever lived in UK?
And what is their and your legal status for residency where you live.
I would also point out all the things that are better for young people where they are, the things they couldn't do in the UK.
And your ex doesn't even want the younger one living with him but at boarding school (and that would mean spending most of their holidays with you).

Gettingbysomehow · 14/04/2024 05:25

Abusive men like this are full of shit. They are always trying to control and frighten you.
I had a first husband like this.
Don't cut him any slack or allow him into your home.
I was infuriated when he bought gifts for my DS as he paid zero maintenance.
My DS saw right through him quite early on.

Fraaahnces · 14/04/2024 05:33

I think your kids need to be told that the courts wouldn’t allow him to take them out of the country due to the assault conviction.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/04/2024 05:38

Could he even afford a boarding school in the UK? Unlikely. They ain't cheap. And is a boarding grammar school even a thing?

ZekeZeke · 14/04/2024 05:53

Where are their passports?

Bumpinthenight · 14/04/2024 05:56

There are a number of State boarding schools - free education, pay for boarding so a lot cheaper than private boarding schools. Think £15,000 a year rather than a term.

There are state boarding grammar schools.

OP, can you roll your eyes and wait and see if Ex does any work beyond telling the kids they can move. I expect he is all talk.

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 06:03

I think he's working quite hard to persuade them.

He says that if they visit him in UK, he will return them and wouldn't do anything against their wishes. That means that if they express a wish to stay in the UK when visiting, he will keep them there.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 06:03

My youngest son adores him.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 06:07

So if my dcs say they want to go to school on the UK then I can do nothing about it?

OP posts:
Bumpinthenight · 14/04/2024 06:21

Views of teenage children in England are taken into account in family courts. Chn can choose to live with a particular parent or not see them.

What country are you in? Have you been to court to decide who the children will live with? What legal decisions have been made? Can he just keep them after a holiday in the UK? How old is DC1? Where do they fit in to all this?

Some questions/arguments /points to raise with your sons or to think about...
Would DS3 move to the UK without DS2?
Where abouts in the UK does ex live? Close to a grammar school that he is offering?
What's the point in your son going to the UK to be with his father and then boarding? Presumably you'll fight to have him in the holidays with you so when would he see his dad if he is boarding? And if DS2 stays with you and goes to dad in the holidays would he ever see DS3?

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 06:23

You're saying there's nothing I could do to prevent this move?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 06:24

If they did live in UK, I wouldn't be able to afford to go over and visit them much at all.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2024 06:24

BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 06:23

You're saying there's nothing I could do to prevent this move?

Not one person has said that.

Consult a lawyer.

Bumpinthenight · 14/04/2024 06:26

I'm asking a lot of questions that you haven't answered. So have other people.

Answering them may give us more insight on how to help.

rainbowstardrops · 14/04/2024 06:38

As a previous poster asked, what country are you in? Do the children speak English?
I think you need legal advice.

ap1999 · 14/04/2024 07:47

More questions - but it's the only way to give you accurate advice.

Does their father have parental responsibility - you say stbxh so I am guessing yes.

Are the kids British ? If dad is British I understand they can claim British nationality but do they currently have British Passports ? Are you British ?

Where are you divorcing ? and what child arrangements are the norm for the country you are in ?

It's impossible to give you any accurate advice without knowing what country you are in. There's a big difference between Saudi and Sweden !

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 07:47

I live in an Eu country. Don't want to say more as outing.

We moved here five years ago for stbxh's job.

We are resident here soon to be passport holding citizens. Not stbxh.

Eldest ds is 19. He is going to UK to college to live with stbxh. He has not been attending school here as he should have been and messed up AS levels.

We are still finalising the divorce. It's a UK divorce as we were married there.

Whilst I have custody, there's nothing I can actually do to stop ds3, who is nearly 12, going to UK if he starts a campaign to go. Backed up by his father. Who is being the perfect parent when he visits.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 07:48

We are British yes.

OP posts:
ap1999 · 14/04/2024 07:50

Have you reached a current child arrangement agreement yet or has this issue come about due to that process ?

mangobananasmooothie · 14/04/2024 08:11

Maybe not the preferred option for you, but would you be able to move back to the UK and split custody so that you still see your kids (if they do decide they want to move)? I can't imagine living in another country and not seeing my kids regularly.

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 08:12

Stbxh is convicted of assault of me in this country.

He is prone to rages and I would not want him to have 50/50 custody. I don't trust him.

OP posts:
PineappleTime · 14/04/2024 08:13

Unfortunately if the kids decide they want to live with their dad there isn't a huge amount you can do at their ages. Have you had open discussions with them about the drawbacks of living with dad?

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 08:14

He was rushed off to the UK by his father after he tried to commit suicide after one of his rages. One of those rages was directed at ds3.

He had lived there since Jan 2022 with his gf but now lives in an air BnB alone.

He has the means to buy or rent a more permanent home.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 14/04/2024 08:14

Your children are not your property they are individual human beings with feelings and the right to choice. They were made to move to a forfeit country for five years and they also have the right to feel that they want to move back to the UK. This isn’t about them picking you or your ex. Put your children first.

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 08:16

Eh? Who said my children were my property? Funny thing to say.

Given stbxh's behaviour, I don't feel they are going to be well looked after by him.

And you talk as if moving abroad is a bad experience for them. "Forfeit country". Strange.

OP posts: