Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Ex trying take dcs

38 replies

BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 01:36

We live abroad. He lives in UK now.

He visits the dcs.

When he does, he talk to them about moving them to UK schools. Ds2 (14) tells me stbxh tells him he could do A levels in UK and ds3 (11) says stbxh says he could go to a boarding grammar school in UK.

Stbxh denies this.

He's Father Christmas when he's with them. Splashing the cash that he hasn't got. It's seductive for the body to think life with him will be constant outings and purchases.

I feel very threatened that he's trying to persuade the dcs to leave where they are established in a good school here already that does GCSEs and A levels. He wants them to leave me and to be in UK with him.

Stbxh has been convicted of assault against me and is very angry at the way things have turned out for him because he had affairs, rages and was abusive to me. I feel like he's trying to exact a kind of revenge on me.

How do I best handle this with the dcs?

OP posts:

PineappleTime · 14/04/2024 08:16

Do the boys know what he did?
I think forfeit was a typo for foreign

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 08:17

They witnessed what he did.

OP posts:

PineappleTime · 14/04/2024 08:21

Do you have conversations about the risks of living with him?

Original poster

BlastedPimples · 14/04/2024 08:29

Yes. But he says his dad has changed and would do not anything to risk his relationship with his dcs again. He's only 11.

Ds2 who is 14 says he doesn't want to go to the UK. He's happy here. Dd who is 17 says the same thing

I have worked so hard to create stability and calm after all the chaotic drama stbxh created for them. And now this has come up.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 14/04/2024 09:23

Your DC are probably old enough to choose where they want to live. If you are going through divorce in UK it should be dealt with by court too.

SD1978 · 14/04/2024 09:28

The kids are British, as are you, but you prefer the country you moved to with your soon to be ex husband- is that correct? I understand what you're saying that their father is playing Disney when he comes over, but would you consider moving back to the UK, or are you staying regardless in new foreign country? Ultimately- if they are persuaded to/ want to return to their home country it would be difficult to stop that.

Bumpinthenight · 14/04/2024 09:32

So you have 4 children?
DS 19- going to college in UK and living with dad.
DD17- staying with you
DS14 - staying with you
DS11 - wanting to move.

How big is the pull of DS1 for DS3? Will potentially living with DS1 and dad be great in his mind? Or is living with DD, DS2 and you the better option in his mind?

If dad was abusive to you, it doesn't automatically mean he'll be abusive towards the children. I appreciate they have witnessed things they shouldn't have.

What is dad's aim? To not have to pay maintenance? To try and get you to have to pay him? I don't think you'd have to pay for DS1. How likely is it that dad will send him to boarding school rather than day school? Would it be state or private? If private, lots of children move up from prep school into year 9 so you could 'aim for that' and have another year in which DS might see the real person his dad is and change his mind.

BoohooWoohoo · 14/04/2024 09:35

DaisyChain505 · 14/04/2024 08:14

Your children are not your property they are individual human beings with feelings and the right to choice. They were made to move to a forfeit country for five years and they also have the right to feel that they want to move back to the UK. This isn’t about them picking you or your ex. Put your children first.

The family were living in the EU country when dad left for the UK in a fit of rage.

OP you need to find out the law where you live. If you both lived in England then the kids could choose but some countries don’t allow kids to choose until adulthood. As the kids are normally resident in the EU country, it will probably mean that EU country’s laws apply with regards to child contact but you need to talk to a lawyer there.

Yanbu to be afraid of leaving an 11 year old with a man who has fits of rage. If he’s 11 now, would he even get a place at boarding? My guess is that state boarding schools are co-ed so exams for 11+ were held over a year ago.

HappyHedgehog247 · 14/04/2024 09:42

you need legal advice. You may need to go to court to get a formal child arrangements order (uk) or the equivalent. The views are taken into account but are not the only deciding factor in the uk. Th DC witnessing an assault and the risk of suicide are relevant. Tell your ex to apply to court. In meantime can he see them in your country?

OneHeartySnail · 14/04/2024 10:32

You need to get proper legal advice. Usually disputes like this have to be heard in the country of 'habitual residence', but that is something you need proper legal advice about.

I think most EU countries would put a higher presumption on following the wishes of the child the older that child is. A 17 year olds wishes would have more weight than an 11 year olds.

TickingKey46 · 14/04/2024 10:41

I think it's a typical situation of separated parents and a child wanting to move to the other parents house, except you both obviously live in different countries.
How long does he see them for when he visits? As it's easy to parent for a short time, much much harder when you have a child full time. It's also completely normal for a child to idalise the non resident parent and believe their life will be much better if they live with them, the reality is often very different.
I think you also have to remember that these types of men who are abusive enjoy the power and control and the fear they unleash on us. I wonder if you didn't react or try to communicate with your ex about the issue, if he would stop talking to the children about it.

TickingKey46 · 14/04/2024 10:50

The thing is even if you get an English court order, it's a civil arrangement and not legally binding. So if he decides not to return them, unless there is a serious safeguarding issue, there is little that you can do.i think some court orders can have power of arrest attached to them, but i believe that's rare.
I think I would be saying, if the 11 year old wants to go and live with his dad he can make that choice once he's finished his education.
But my instincts tell me it's just another abusive man trying to unsettled and upset his ex through the children.

MollyButton · 15/04/2024 07:17

TickingKey46 · 14/04/2024 10:50

This is not totally true. There is The Hague convention which is a cross country one on returning children to the parent with residency. British courts tend to be quite good at returning children. So I suggest you go through steps to get your youngest son's legal residency (with you) sorted in the country where you live's legal system.
Practically I wouldn't argue with him if he talks about going to live with his Dad. Just say "that's nice dear", but do point out all the things that are draw backs about the UK and boarding school " well you wouldn't be able to go skiing/surfing at weekends in the UK". And things like school uniform, being at school all the time, not being able to get away from annoying people and teachers at school.
You could even gently drop in that his Dad can't really want him that much if he's going to dump him at boarding school.
You could also try to get the other kids to talk to him away from you about why they wouldn't want to live with their Dad all the time.
Yes vent your real feelings here and with friends but smile to your son. Don't let this be a point of rebellion for him. Whilst under the surface doing all you can to prevent it.
Also if possible try to make living where you are extra nice - do more trips out, try to let him do activities he finds fun, getting him involved in sports clubs etc.

Flip

1 2