Is this emotional abuse or just bad behaviour?

[35poppy]

I got married young and don't have a lot to compare it to but I'm starting to feel worried about some of DHs behaviour and I don't know what to do.

We've been married 4 years and before getting married he had a few occasions of getting annoyed/a bit angry. I had a couple of occasions where I felt pressured into intimacy not in a physical way but basically with his begging and me being sick/exausted but nit bring listened to. He was a little strange running up to the wedding - had minimum involvement/said he was very stressed. I ended up doing everything and by the time we were on our honeymoon I was exausted/sick. On our honeymoon he complained constantly that we were not being intimate enough, ranted and raved at me and at one point I had to shut myself in another room as he was going on and on even if I asked him to stop. Since then he shouts and "rants" even if I plead with him to stop. It scared me when he starts and Ive had to shut myself in another room or if in car cover my ears and beg him to stop. He has pushed me a few times (not hard) and once he came at me when I asked him to stop shouting and threw his wallet at me (it was soft.) He has used our savings without asking, shouts and rages if I don't agree with him, gets extremely cross if I make noise (play a video on my phone) if I accidentaly bump into him or if I ask him a simple question like what time we are leaving. He says Im not allowed to "debate" with him as my opinions are to strong (politics) and don't agree or support his enough. He doesn't do anything in our home but criticises or stands and advises me on how to do things. If I make a mistake like knocking something over he calls me stupid. If he knocks something over even if I'm not there then it is my fault and he wi'll have a go at me for it. About six months ago he became "best friends" with a lady at work. Now all he does if say I'm not this, that or the other. I don't know what to do or who to tell but would like advice on whether this is just an unkind person or if this behaviour is more than that.

This definitely sounds like an abusive relationship OP. I've been there and it's very difficult to see it when you're in it but, believe me, it all becomes clear once you've gotten free. Have you told anyone about any of this?

I've not heard of a single relationship that does not need couples therapy. Not one. Most people also need personal therapy. I had ten years worth.

He could also just be a dick, in which case you need couples therapy in order to separate well :) Basically, speak to an expert

This sounds like an abusive relationship OP and you sound intimidated by him? He's both unkind, intimidatory and abusive. Do you have any real life support?

Also, although there's a lot of wise women on this board, there's also lots of expertise in dealing with men like this on the Relationships board and a lot of women who have dealt with and left men like this.

He sounds extremely abusive, OP. And why doesn't he do anything round the house? That's abusive too.

His behaviour ramped up while you were planning your wedding and then on your honeymoon - it should literally be your honeymoon period!! But he's being a bastard instead of being lovely to you! You deserve so much more. 💐

OP it doesn’t sound as though he makes you happy at all. He definitely sounds abusive, but ask yourself, even without the ranting, does he show you love? Does he care for you? Are you important to him? Or are you just a way of making himself feel bigger and more important?
I think you probably know the answers already otherwise you wouldn’t have made your post. Let that be your guide. Chance your life for the better now before you spend years with this man who doesn’t value you.

Definitely post this on the relationships board, @35poppy . There you will find lots of good advice from women who are experts or have relevant experience.
Your situation sounds quite frightening. Doesn't seem like the sort of issue you can talk through because his behaviour seems to be escalating, but I am no expert. Please put yourself first and get on the relationships board.

Do not get pregnant. He is a bully and is making you doubt yourself and is already breaking down your ideas of what is acceptable. You need to leave and file for divorce. He should not be treating you like this but it sounds like he is well aware of what he is doing.

It's not even just emotional abuse it's physical + sexual + financial abuse OP, I'm sorry.

It's irrelevant whether he's badly behaved or abusive.

Do you want to be with this man for the rest of your days?
It sounds miserable and you must be exhausted from walking on eggshells.

I think you do know what to do. It's not easy to live with such an appalling bully. His ranting dramas over trivia meant to wear you down and intimidate you.
There's a good chance that little pushes will escalate to hard ones, that throwing something soft will similarly become something

more dangerous. It's a frightening thing to face taking action but you will be better for it in the long run.

Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant. He’s abusive, yes. Contact women’s aid, or read some of the other threads on here about the same types of abuse. You need to seek the support to leave, there’s little chance of this getting better and, more importantly, why would you want to wait to find out after being abused for over four years? You’ve given him enough time/chance to change and he’s chosen to carry on abusing you. End it now.

Of course that's abusive OP, sorry to say. He should not be shouting at you, throwing things, making you feel bad enough that you need to shut yourself away from him to escape. Very wrong.

Yes OP, you are being abused. Please find a way to leave before you are too broken. Will your parents or friends help?

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/What-is-abuse

Very abusive. Run far and fast

It doesn’t really matter whether it’s bad behaviour or abuse - both are wrong. But actually he is horribly abusive and the sooner you get away from him the better. How can you be helped to do this?

And do not attempt couples therapy - it is not recommended with an abusive partner

Highly highly abusive. Life doesn’t need to be like this. Please call Women’s Aid for help and to start seeing things clearly. I have been there, incl justifying it and feeling it was normal. It’s not. Please don’t have children with him, it’s a whole world of pain for you and them. Good luck. I hope you can see it

Thank you for your honest answers. It's hard to know what is normal when it's your life every day and when you are told you are just sensative or live in a bubble because you had a sheltered upbringing. It is really hard to read replies but I appreciate all your honesty.

@Snowypeaks how do I move something to another board. I've never used this before. Sorry for posting on the wrong bit x

The thread has been moved to the Relationships board.😊
Someone from Mumsnet HQ must have done it.

Good luck and 💪.

Highly abusive. Please free yourself @35poppy

OP - this man is dangerous. He will destroy you with his attitude and he is sexually and emotionally physically abusing you also. Do NOT have children with him. Are your family nearby? Could you go and stay with them? Don’t discuss this with him. Abusers are at their most dangerous when they’re losing control. Just leave.

Honestly, what you’re describing reminds me of the film “Murdered by my Boyfriend”. Let us help you get away from him.

@Snowypeaks thank you for your help.

This is exactly how my relationship started, then it escalated and ended badly. Definitely break free and run now whilst you have the chance. Absolutely don't let on to him what your plans are until you've gone and it's safe. I expect he will try every trick in the book to get you back with him so I'd block all contact then have a read around abusive relationships whilst you can. Also get in touch with Womens Aid for advice. Good luck and well done for reaching out.

Thank you for taking time to answer. I'm staying with family tonight and had such a lovely night and had a sudden moment of thinking if it is so lovely here and everyone is so kind here, shouldn't it be the same in my house too. But I didn't know how to explain the behaviour or what to call it. I feel worried to call it something it's not when lots of people are subjected to things I know for sure are abusive behaviour. Sorry, this might not make sense.