Is this emotional abuse or just bad behaviour?

[35poppy]

I got married young and don't have a lot to compare it to but I'm starting to feel worried about some of DHs behaviour and I don't know what to do.

We've been married 4 years and before getting married he had a few occasions of getting annoyed/a bit angry. I had a couple of occasions where I felt pressured into intimacy not in a physical way but basically with his begging and me being sick/exausted but nit bring listened to. He was a little strange running up to the wedding - had minimum involvement/said he was very stressed. I ended up doing everything and by the time we were on our honeymoon I was exausted/sick. On our honeymoon he complained constantly that we were not being intimate enough, ranted and raved at me and at one point I had to shut myself in another room as he was going on and on even if I asked him to stop. Since then he shouts and "rants" even if I plead with him to stop. It scared me when he starts and Ive had to shut myself in another room or if in car cover my ears and beg him to stop. He has pushed me a few times (not hard) and once he came at me when I asked him to stop shouting and threw his wallet at me (it was soft.) He has used our savings without asking, shouts and rages if I don't agree with him, gets extremely cross if I make noise (play a video on my phone) if I accidentaly bump into him or if I ask him a simple question like what time we are leaving. He says Im not allowed to "debate" with him as my opinions are to strong (politics) and don't agree or support his enough. He doesn't do anything in our home but criticises or stands and advises me on how to do things. If I make a mistake like knocking something over he calls me stupid. If he knocks something over even if I'm not there then it is my fault and he wi'll have a go at me for it. About six months ago he became "best friends" with a lady at work. Now all he does if say I'm not this, that or the other. I don't know what to do or who to tell but would like advice on whether this is just an unkind person or if this behaviour is more than that.

Get out before you have children

Thank God you are somewhere else tonight. Stay there as long as you can. He sounds cruel and intimidating, but at the most basic level, not ‘pushing you hard’ is beyond even entry levels for reasons to separate. This is not a loving respectful relationship. Stay safe and don’t go back.

Please talk to your family about how he treats you, once you tell someone it's may feel more real as abuse and they can help support you.

Agree with PP - don’t go back. What you describe is serious abuse.

That's domestic abuse. It sounds bad already. Get out! It will only get worse.

Call Refuge for support and advice. Their number is free and open 24/7:

08082000247

Can you show your family what you have written here, because it really IS abuse and you need to recognise it as such. It’s not an “other people have it worse” scenario, abuse is abuse, and comes in many guises. Now you are safe from him, don’t go back, make today the day you have left him. You deserve so much more.

You are right, your own home should be a safe, kind place where your people are lovely to you. Don’t get me wrong, spouses argue, but never physically, and he should always be « on your side » in the end. If you don’t feel like a team it’s not good. He is belittling you and using your feelings to make himself feel big. Stay with your relatives and don’t go back.

Poppy, please share with friends or family and call Womens Aid as already suggested.

Just describe the behaviour to people as you have here. You don't have to label it abusive (though it is) if that seems a step too far for you right now. If a friend told me what you've said, I'd definitely think she need to get out asap.

People get hung up on using the word abuse because somehow if it's not outright hitting that's not somehow meeting the 'criteria'. But the behaviour is unacceptable and it will only get worse.

Does sound abusive OP. I'm sorry you've been dealing with this, it must have been so difficult and scary. Sending you a big hug.

This a hundred times. pls do not have children with this man OP.

I didn’t even need to read all that.
It’s an abusive relationship.
Do not have children.
Leave him.

He is abusive. You need to leave. Tell your family and ask for help in ending your marriage.

If it helps you, remember you can end a marriage simply because you don't want to be with that person any longer. You don't love them anymore. You don't like the way he clears his throat. Or his stupid face. Or the fact that he insists on having Man U cushions all over your sofa. You don't have to PROVE he's abusive, or justify yourself in any way.

You can just decide you have changed your mind about wanting to be with them and that is a good enough reason to divorce.

But he is abusive, and you need to get rid of him.

I think you should leave and divorce as fast as you possibly can.

There's about 5 different types of abuse there.

Don't - please don't have kids with him.

This is an abuse, and now he’s attempting to triangulate you with this woman at work so that you’ll try harder to behave and do the “pick me” dance.

If I were you I’d let Becky at work have him and get divorced at the earliest opportunity.

He doesn’t have to hit you for it to be abuse, you know. In fact, when I was being horribly and systematically emotionally abused, in the aftermath I often thought that punches and kicks would have been easier to get over and move on from. He had so effectively and comprehensively undermined my confidence, self esteem and credibility in almost every area of my life, it took years to get over and regain my sense of self.

It really does not matter what label you put on this, you need to get away and live a good life, because sure as eggs you will not have one with this man.

I can’t believe you read that whole post and thought it might be possible to fix any of this with therapy. It seems your ten years of therapy did shit all for your detection of red flags.

It is NEVER advisable to attempt couples therapy in situations of domestic abuse.