Does appearance really matter to men?

[Blushingm]

I've been with DP 2 years.

I'm a size 20ish. And 5'9.

He's about 5'11 but slender - 32'' waist

He said just after we got together he did say I'm different from people he's gone out with before. Yet he says he likes seeing me naked etc. we have sex.....a lot. We cuddle a lot.

But all I can think when we are cuddled up is all he is feeling is fat. And when we are out together I imagine people are looking at us and wondering why he's with me. I think his friends think the same.

Can men ignore what someone looks like? Can they have sex with someone they don't really find attractive ?

I think it varies, perhaps on paper and objectively most people would select the more conventionally attractive people but in reality when you meet someone attraction is about more than looks personality, character, intelligence and your chemistry all influence how others see you. Then we all have our own preferences and things we like which others might not prefer.

I think lots of men are or can be attracted to bigger women. I am not really keen on the idea of it being fetishized but at the same time being bigger is no barrier to being loved and desired.

Here is some advice from a 33 year old man.

Sex is sex, and it doesn't feel any different with a skinny girl or a larger girl.

If he has said that he likes seeing you naked, and proceeds to have sex with you then I would believe that he likes seeing you naked.

Why care about what other people think? You're putting too much focus into what other people think as apposed to what he thinks, and he likes you.

This will eventually cause problems because he won't feel listened to. Use that energy and put it into loving your partner.

OP

Sorry to ask, but do you have money, ie your own place , be it with a mortgae, decent savings, etc?

I'm sure he loves you but please keep an open mind

A friend once dated this guy, it was years ago, both early 30's - the bloke drove around in a nice car, newish Ford Focus but a very sporty version and said he had his own business. Well he did have his own business, he was a builder but no FT empoye/staff - he rarely worked and the car was hire-prucahse, he could not afford it and his GF only found out when he moved in with her and baliffs came looking for him a ouple of months down the road

I'm not saying its your OH but an open, very open mind and ask questions and if they get defensive, thats a massive warning sign - but be prepared for, "you dont trust me"?

Yes, I think this is true. There is a certain type of man I can’t bear. They are physically ugly, yet refuse to accept that stunning women (and women generally) don’t find them attractive. They will then pursue beautiful women in a really arrogant and aggressive way, like they’re an enemy to be beaten and conquered. Harvey Weinstein is a good example.

There was a thread a few days ago about the sex for rent scandal - where landlords were offering rooms in exchange for sex. A journalist went undercover and posed as a pretty young girl inquiring about the room. The men were all old and repulsive looking, and were obviously in search of young girls they could exploit. The same thing happens with foreign brides. It’s often hideous looking old men going to Thailand or Russia and returning with beautiful women 20 or 30 years younger. The strange thing, though, is that it isn’t only lust. It’s a kind of rage that they’re being denied something they want. They’re angry that beautiful women won’t pay them attention, and they’re determined to win or triumph over those women in some way. You often hear men like that say the most disgusting things about a beautiful woman - the general idea being that she’s a bitch who thinks she’s too good for me but I’ll show her etc.

Most of the really sexy/attractive/loveable men I’ve known haven’t been obsessed by looks. The women they end up with are often just average, or slightly above average, looking. They’ve fallen in love with the whole person. Has anyone else noticed this, or am I talking rubbish? I mean the way it’s often ugly but arrogant and competitive men who become obsessed with a beautiful woman?

They’ve fallen in love with the whole person.

The whole person can be ridiculously good looking. Good looks and personality are not mutually exclusive.

All sizes are beautiful op.
Stop comparing and enjoy the attraction you both obviously have!
Please try to see what he sees.
Healthy is more attractive than skinny IMO.

Hi - yes I have my own car (nice -ish) my own house and job but then so does he

Thank you - I am very much attracted to him but just can't help feeling I don't measure up

looks And skinniness does not equate to relationship happiness. Some people might tick all the boxes aesthetically but may not have sex appeal. You on the other hand obviously have an abundance of it.

I think we have a good relationship - he's kind and thoughtful and seems to care

@Blushingm then that's your self confidence. Not his doing.
Work on that.

This what worries me - that he doesn't find me attractive and would prefer if I was slim

Thank you. What does he financially wise that your are certain about. Are you aware of any debts etc?

If he's with you (& he's got options) then presumably he likes and fancies you.
Might be different if you were together decades and staying together for the kids/finances etc.

I'm kinda surprised you can't imagine that people can find lots of different people sexually attractive.
I'd shag Idris Elba in a heartbeat, he's probably my 'ideal' looks wise. But I've only been in relationships/married white men, I still found them sexy and very shaggable and Idris never crossed my mind when we were in bed.

Your relationship may last, it may not, but I'm willing to bet it will be nothing to do with the size of your probably lovely butt.

I personally wouldn't find a guy with a 32" waist (assuming he doesn't have a very broad chest/shoulders etc) attractive at first impression, but if he was interesting, solvent, funny, and most importantly made me feel good I wouldn't give a shit he wasn't my usual type.
Life is long, who wants to eat the same dish everyday?

My DPs ex was 5,2 and a size 8. Im a size 14, busty 5,7 goddess that he is lucky to share a bed with! I assume he fancied his ex and he tells me often enough how gorgeous I am that I am 100% confident he fancies me.

Men (like women) can fancy a variety and as well as stature they also like pretty eyes, luscious hair and other physical things… oh and don’t forget personality!!

Am sure your DH finds you attractive. If it's any consolation am considered thin/small with little curves and I have never had any attention from men, I have a DH but I think he finds me unattractive. Size really isn't a factor in attraction.

I remember my dh really kind of clumsily saying all men really want in the end is a body with a personality they can connect with attached. We were in a resort with loads of stunning women around and he said ‘are you looking at the women and feeling self conscious?’, and I said yes and he said ‘well there’s no man here as pasty and love handly as me, I’m not looking at the women, I’m thinking that I’m not taking this tee shirt off and that I should really have gone on that diet before we came here!’

Oops…

It appears that in trying to give OP a boost & make a valid point about men finding a wide variety of women’s body types attractive I said something daft about slim women. My bad. Having considered the criticisms of my comment I will think more before hitting ‘post’ in future.

@Blushingm I should add that even if you were a size 8 and superficially what you perceive as stunning, that's still no guarantee a relationship would last. I have these types of friends and still things haven't worked out and they have been dumped/been cheated on. I think there's a lot to be said for decent self esteem. I also struggle with that myself but actually I brush up well, I'm very successful and I have great fun in bed. Try and be kind to yourself otherwise you'll probably push him away.

Is there anything that your partner could do or say that would convince you that he is very much attracted to you?

If not, the problem really is in your head and you are the only one who can fix it.

It was the comment about womanly curves. I get that you were trying to give her a boost. We are all as much women as any others whatever our body shape.

I appreciate you saying this. Very decent of you (not sarcasm- I'm being genuine) x

You can be attracted to people who look different to each other. Just because his ex wife's looks may be more conventional doesn't mean he prefers them. I think because she is slim you are assuming that his attraction to her was more than his attraction to you. But it doesn't sound like it to me.

He finds you attractive. People are much more complicated in their preferences than just liking the cookie cutter version of the same look (well, most people are anyway).

Actually, it's very well known that men aren't often as attracted to thin women as curvier women. It's why lots of men are into bums and boobs. They are soft and curvy. You don't see men drooling over washboard abs or killer biceps in women. And anyway, attraction is more than just the physical too.

Dh doesn't look anything like any guy I dated before I met him. He's the most attractive person in the world to me. My exes did have a characteristic look, but they also shared a characteristic trait of being assholes too. Dh was different in all ways and I love him and he's perfect, which I'm sure is exactly how your partner feels about you.