Does appearance really matter to men?

[Blushingm]

I've been with DP 2 years.

I'm a size 20ish. And 5'9.

He's about 5'11 but slender - 32'' waist

He said just after we got together he did say I'm different from people he's gone out with before. Yet he says he likes seeing me naked etc. we have sex.....a lot. We cuddle a lot.

But all I can think when we are cuddled up is all he is feeling is fat. And when we are out together I imagine people are looking at us and wondering why he's with me. I think his friends think the same.

Can men ignore what someone looks like? Can they have sex with someone they don't really find attractive ?

Can men ignore what someone looks like? Can they have sex with someone they don't really find attractive ? Yes, they can and do but they very rarely marry them.

I think this is more a worry from you about your body image than anything that your DH has said or done. He sounds a very loving and happy man, who is very in love with his wife's body and personality.

Can men ignore what someone looks like? Can they have sex with someone they don't really find attractive ?

This bit really stood out for me @Blushingm . Have you considered that just maybe he's not ignoring what you look like, and that he finds what you look like attractive?

I've been out with tall women, short women, fat women, thin women, plain women, traditionally beautiful women. I found all of them attractive to varying levels, and some of the fat or plain ones I was more attracted to than the "beautiful" thin ones.

What made far more of a difference was self confidence. I'm much much more likely to fancy someone who accepts their flaws and imperfections and doesn't try to hide them. I'll be way more attracted to someone overweight who's lying in bed naked without a care in the world, than the thin woman who always wants the lights out or won't take her top off because she doesn't like her stomach.

Self confidence is sexy. Knowing your partner wants you to see them, wants you to touch all their little imperfections is sexy. Acceptance of your body, and not caring if you're not perfect is sexy.

It's also bloody hard to do, and that's me saying that as a bloke who doesn't have to deal with unrealistic female beauty standards. It must be significantly harder as a woman. But fake it if you can, and hopefully one day you'll believe it. Because what he wants is you, and that fact he chooses every day to be with you is proof of that.

There’s no need to insult one body type to bring up someone else.

I don't think it matters if you're not the type he used to go for - he still finds you attractive in your own right.

I used to think that I was only attracted to tall guys (my ex is 6'4, blonde, blue eyes). But in recent years I've come across several shorter (like 5'7), stockier dark haired men and felt instant chemistry and realized I found these guys very attractive too. So really at the end of the day, it's not about a type, it's about the individual person.

Also, because my ex is such a stupid pig - I probably subconsciously now have an aversion to my former 'type' as I'd not want to be with anyone that remotely resembles him. Because of his crap personality, I look at old photos of him and can't for the life of me understand why I ever found him attractive in the first place.

So if I were you, I'd not worry about the type thing. I'm sure he finds you very attractive ad you are - there's no need to compare.

I will admit to being typey to the extent that a friend once called my then new boyfriend (now OH of 21 years) by my ex's name because they did, in fairness, look quite alike, as did the three or four before: all tall, slender, fair-skinned and dark-eyed...

I think most people - male and female - have a type they find attractive (maybe not to the extent of my apparently homogeneous relationship history), but it will be subjective: not all straight women find buff gym types attractive (I certainly don't) in the same way that not all straight men find statuesque blonde model types to be their thing.

Your partner has freewill. Nobody has a gun to his head. You aren't secretly your body shape. He has chosen you and clearly fancies the pants off you.

Stop getting into your own head and saying the mean things you imagine other people think. They don't - it's your insecurities - most people (worth knowing) aren't secretly vindictive and cruel arseholes.

Enjoy your relationship - it sounds healthy

I’m a pretty, curvy, confident size 18. My DP is a wiry and gorgeous fitness nerd, all lean muscle and strength. He has always been attracted to bigger women but was briefly married to a slimmer woman many years ago because he felt like there was something wrong with him for not fancying the same women all his mates did. Since then he’s only dated larger ladies, and actively isn’t attracted to women under about a size 14-16 (he can see they’re pretty etc, just doesn’t see them in a sexual way). And he’s not alone - i’ve never had issues attracting men!

My point, OP, is that your DP may well be like mine - actively turned on by your curvy body, not ‘tolerating’ it! Everyone likes different things - the spectrum of human attraction is FAR broader than the media would have us believe.

Does he treat you with kindness and respect? Listen when you speak? Make eye contact and smile? Ask you about your day?

great thread in lots of different ways.

slim can be sexy, curvy can be sexy, fat can be sexy.

I have mostly gone for slim to average men, but my MOST gorgeous mr sexy who made me melt literally at first sight and every time thereafter was very short and stocky and also noticeably under-endowed. But I was madly attracted to him. Sadly, I’m not sure how he felt about me, but that’s another story!

Be Who You Are.

Embrace it.

What else can you do?

Hopefully there's no 'skinny flat chested women' out there now having a crisis of confidence worrying their partner might find them 'unfeminine and unattractive' compared to the 'lovely womanly curves' of other women. You can uplift one woman without resorting to pulling down others.

Yes, denigrating others is really poor form.

Fortunately, everyone has their own ideas of what is attractive! Appreciating that someone is attractive in an abstract sense (like a film star, for example), is also different to being attracted to someone.

@Blushingm my current partner and ex are super fit blokes with 6 packs and 0% body fat! I'm a curvy size 16 with very big boobs, a pretty face and a flabby mum tum. I'm pretty sure certainly with my ex that people wondered why we were together. Have confidence in yourself.

Why is the fact his ex was tall and thin what he likes, he’s with you now, why is she what he likes and not you? I think this is about insecurity about uour size?

Oh give over- this is really bloody offensive. Not all women are "curvy"- there are many female body types and slim women are just as feminine as those with curves.

What about women who have mastectomies- are they no longer women then?

Urgh.

God me too. I like a big built guy, however several of my Xs have been lean. There was just something about them I found attractive even if they went against type. However, I bloody love a big Viking!
Which is handy as that is exactly what I have 😂

There is a very deprived town near me (think it was ranked worst place to live in the UK at one point!) that has a very large population of women that as well as being morbidly obese have very few teeth in their heads, thinning hair and the kind of skin tone only a lifetime of poverty can create. Almost all of them are walking through town with a husband/partner and multiple children in tow. Obviously the husband/partner looks equally bedraggled but considering that both of them are very far from the super model ideal and children are being created they clearly must fancy each other!
I read somewhere that we (on a population level rather than an individual level, of course there will always be exceptions) tend to fancy people at our own level of attractiveness automatically, it helps keep the population reproducing otherwise the people I mentioned above would be holding out for a Henry Caville look a like rather than finding someone 'on the same level ' as them.
There is a very good chance that if your boyfriend is with you and you are having good sex that he likes how you look and you are equally as attractive as he is (don't assume slim automatically means attractive!). You need to stop over thinking it.

Appearance matters however there will be a variation in everyone to what extent. This applies to all the qualities we look for in a partner.

My son who is tall, slim/broad and very good looking, has a set criteria for a partner.

They have to be generally positive, not fuss with how they look, and be ready to go out to eat at a moment's notice. 😁

That's it.

You need more confidence, op. If you are happy together then he probably thinks you are perfect.

You can’t generalise. Your husband clearly finds YOU attractive. You were large when you got together - it’s not like you have gained weight since.

I've dated men from morbidly obese to skinny, black, white, 10 years younger, 10 years older
A body is just a body to me, it isn't who someone is and it's the least interesting thing about them

Yes of course men need to find their partner attractive!
In the same way women do also.
People in general just don't get intimate with anyone they aren't even mildly attracted to.

But what exactly individuals finds attractive, that's where we all vary and have our preferences and boundaries.
That's why they say love is in the eye of the beholder and that there's a lid for every pot.

To be honest, I think the majority of men find overweight women unattractive. In my experience, most men prefer a woman with an ugly face but a slim, firm body, to a pretty face but a chubby body. That’s definitely not always the case, however.

Other than that, it comes down to the individual. Attraction depends on more than just looks. Looks do matter, there’s no denying it, but it 100% for sure isn’t everything. As another poster said, it’s the ‘whole package’: looks, body, charisma, humour, coolness, confidence, etc. We’ve all had the experience of meeting someone stunning, then finding out that they’re boring or thick or obnoxious or whatever. Suddenly, they seem to go from 9/10 in looks to 6/10. It’s as if their personality distorts their features. And the reverse is also true. I have known people who are average looking, but so funny and charming and likeable that they seem beautiful.

I am not tall and rather full figured. My husband seems fine with it and think/hope he sees other things in me that are attractive. No one is perfect and most couples accept the attractive and unattractive in their partners.

I do think that there are things about my body being a bit on the soft side that my DH likes. He knows I will not be skinny any time soon

I’ve witnessed mediocre men say some really nasty derogatory things about attractive women and then I’ll see their partner and I’ve really struggled to figure out their logic.

What I have noticed is the ones who go after ridiculously good looking women are usually only doing it for a pat on the back from other men, they usually don’t care about women in general cause we are just objects to them.

Men are weird who cares what they think.

What sort of relationship do you two have if you have ask this after 2 years of being with him?

You should know the answer to your question although it's not about 'men', it's about the 'man' you're with.