Is my relationship doomed because I don’t like his parents?

[Blackpen]

My partner is quite close to his parents. He is autistic, more on the mild scale but things do go over his head. I have told him about this but he doesn’t see it. His parents quite obviously don’t like me. I’ve done nothing wrong. They like the other DIL but for some reason not me. They all go on holidays together and we aren’t invited. They make zero effort with me or asking about their granddaughter.

It was getting me down so I’ve started to distance myself. I no longer make an effort to speak to them or invite them to things for them to just make excuses. I removed myself from group chats etc where I’m not part of. I’ve tried but they are a click.

I’ve racked my brains as to what I’ve done but I can’t find anything. It’s not money as I have my own house and so does he. He lives at mine and rents his out. I am who I am and I can’t change that. I would love a nice relationship as I didn’t have the best upbringing but it’s not happening.

Are we doomed now? I think it will hurt him because he can’t see what they are doing. But being around them is really getting me down. I don’t want to go visit them and not even be greeted or offered a drink or spoke too.

I think the impact of this situation on your relationship will depend very much on how you frame the issue.
Try to stay away from the following things:

• Blaming them for the lack of connection
• Accusing them of not putting in enough effort
• Comparing yourself with the other DIL
• Becoming offended because you don't get along
• Assuming you know why they behave a certain way or what their motives are
• Assuling they are 100% responsible for this dynamic and you've done nothing to contribute to it.
• Expect your partner to agree with you that his parents are wrong, doing injustice by you, ...

I've seen you do each of these things in your post. In my experience, it's not the actual lack of relationship with the in-laws that makes or breaks the relationship with your partner. It's how you two as a couple can communicate about it.

What can you do and should you expect from your partner?

• Talk about your emotions, how you feel about not having a relationship with them. Not in blame and anger, but in openness and vulnerability
• Expect him to see and acknowledge your emotions and offer you comfort and support, without expecting him to agree to the expectations and assumptions you're making about them.
• Protect your own mental wellbeing by giving boundaries to your in-laws. Not in anger, outrage or revenge. Not to attempt to change who they are. But as a way to stop yourself from being hurt or disappointed.
• Expect your partner to honor and respect those boundaries, but also allow him to have the close relationship he's always had with his family.

There are clear examples of terrible in-laws who carry clear blame for the messed up family dynamics. From your story, I can see your hurt and disappointment, but I don't see evil in-laws. I see people struggling to get along with you, for whatever reason, and not handling it very well.
You can either be kind to yourself and to them and just say: oh well, it seems we're not compatible. It's a pity for me and my children - their grandchildren - but there are no evil intentions. Or you can make them the vilains of the story and alientate them - and your partner - even further, causing yourself a lot of pain in the process.

Can't you just let your partner crack on with his relationship with his parents and don't you get involved.Making an effort with folk who don't really like you is often flogging a dead horse. Its a waste of time. If they dont bother speaking to you or offer you a drink thats rude.

Ime it's because his dm isn't The Most Important woman in his life. Mil faked she liked me until dh chose me over a holiday with her. She effectively dumped us. And her only dgc. Been 9 years since seen her. Nc with dh either..

@Hbosh sorry I see what you mean about the way I’ve spoken in my thread. I’m just hurt because they are all going on another holiday together and we aren’t going. It’s expected but it still hurts. My partner doesn’t understand my feelings on this matter. I’m unsure if that’s the autism coming into it. It doesn’t appear to bother him that they don’t make an effort with us. He is very much a people pleaser when it comes to them. He gives and they don’t in return and he is ok with that.

I am not the only person who the mum is like this with. She has blanked other members of the family also. I’ve no idea why. I really haven’t done anything (well not that I know of). But there could be multiple reasons I suppose in their minds.

No, it's not doomed, but it isn't easy loathing your in-laws (speaking from experience!). Fortunately my husband isn't a big fan either, so we're on the same page. I think it would be really challenging if they treated me poorly but were amazing with him. As it is, we are both as poorly treated as the other.

@nonmerci99 it’s really difficult. I don’t dislike them. They just don’t want to make any effort. They gave their granddaughter a 12 pack of wet wipes for her first birthday (they are not poor by any means). They booked a holiday for the week over her due date (c-section) They don’t treat the other grandchildren the same. What has she done wrong?

It’s very passive aggressive and I wish they’d just come out and say we don’t really like you.

They will likely have a story in their minds about why they don't get along with you - that is, if they are even self-aware enough to realize this is going on - the same way you have a story in your mind about what's been happening.

It's important to keep in mind that this is just a story. Your version of events, which is possibly a very limited version of reality. You can't know what's in their minds and what their justifications are.
And most importantly, if your DH seems fine with it, then there really is no problem. I think your disappoinment may have more to do with you not having a warm, loving family on your end so you'd hoped you could at least have that relationship with your in-laws. And I understand your sadness, but that's something you need to deal with on your own and not project onto them.

I used to like mine, but after nearly a decade of poor treatment and having horrible things said about me to other family and my own husband, that changed.

It sounds like there’s something about you they don’t like. The fact they are taking this out on your child would be a pretty big red line to me — I would be distancing myself and my child from them.

@Hbosh my saddens comes from how they treat us and the other sons family differently. They all on holiday with the grandchildren and we are treated so differently. There really isn’t anything wrong with us. We are all different and should be accepted for who we are (as long as not horrible).

It sounds to me like you are taking a very personal angle on something which might be a bit more wide spread. You said they dislike some and favour others?

I'm wondering if there is a golden child favourite going on here and your partner is the scapegoat child and by extension your daughter/you are also in the scapegoat pile? Your partner is used to people pleasing to get whatever scraps of attention he can as that is his life. Their perceptions of him because of his autism might also be playing a part...

Either way I'd just back off and leave them to it. They've shown they don't want the connection, so don't force it - and don't allow your partner to force it for you or your child either.

Your partner likes his parents and he relies on them. You don't like them and they don't like you. So I would have said your relationship with him is doomed and you should split up but since you have a child together you are going to have to find a way to cope.

It might be that his parents don't like you as a person, or it might be as simple as the fact that you're not married to their son. Your partner could ask them. You may not be able to do anything to improve their relationship with you, but you and he do need to try to fix their relationship with their grandchild. If they treat all their grandchildren the same then there's nothing that can be done, but your partner needs to ask them why they treat his daughter differently from the other grandchildren.

@LittleOwl153 it very much feels like how you’ve described it. I really try not to get drawn in emotionally and think too deeply about it but I’ve felt at times like the scapegoat. I’ve read a few things on this dynamic. I probably shouldn’t think like it but I do feel that his mum seems to get something out of controlling things. The other DIL is a lot softer than me, she suffers anxiety and doesn’t work or leave the house without her partner. I’m pretty much the opposite. I’m probably over thinking things now.

Honestly I'd treat not having to go on holiday with my ILs as a massive win.

She doesn't like you, you aren't that keen on her. That's fine, not every one likes every one else.

Given she and your DH aren't trying to force a relationship try to stop comparing and get on with the family who you have positive relationships with. Leave MIL for Christmas and Mother's day.

To be honest, I think it's incredibly important. He can't see it and you can, that will mean much bigger problems in the future.

I just wouldn't want contact with people who are like that and of course that's inevitable if they are his family.

Having in laws that really like you makes such a difference.

@AnnaMagnani yeah I would rather not go on holiday with them as that means I have to mask the entire time and pretend I’m invisible with no opinions of my own. I would like to like her but that involves not being invisible and having no needs so it won’t work.

@determinedtomakethiswork for them to like me I would have to become a door mat whose life revolved around the man. They don’t like that I ask him to change nappies etc. They don’t like that I voice my opinion in our relationship. It’s rubbish because I don’t think it will get better. When I’m in there company I’m invisible and mute and it’s not me at all.

You cannot force this relationship. All you can do is accept the situation and take a huge step back. Although I am puzzled as to why your partner isn't addressing the issue of them nit engaging with his daughter.

I would suggest though, that you find a therapist to explore your childhood and your relationship with your own parents. You clearly have a lot of hurt and unresolved issues, and that can't be good, irrespective of whether it has had any influence on how you are perceived by your inlaws.

Have you 'diagnosed' your partner with autism? Or does he have a diagnosis? Because where I'm struggling is with the idea that all this blatant disrespect and dislike is apparantly unnoticed by him because he has 'mild autism'. Are you sure that he's not convenently 'unable to see' poor treatment of you because it means he doesn't have to hop off the fence? Because if so, I don't give your relationship much of a future tbh. No one should sit by and let their partner and children be poorly treated, and if he thinks it's OK for his family to do that, it doesn't bode well for how much he will be in your corner in other ways.

@5128gap yes he is diagnosed. I’m pretty sure he is just used to the behaviour also as he has grown up within it.

You are very much overthinking things and only deepening the rift between you.
I'd encourage you to examine your thought process and ask yourself if it's helping you to think this way.

"They go on holiday with the other grandchildren, but not with my child."
And then you say
"I wouldn't want to go on holiday with them, as I wouldn't be able to be myself"

Okay. So what's the problem? You wouldn't want to go (maybe they know that), and they don't ask you.
It's only a problem when you make assumptions about their intentions. Like: they are purposely not inviting us because they don't like me/ don't care about their granddaughter/... Those are your assumptions. That doesn't make it the truth.

You say: "We are all different and should be accepted for who we are".
Sure. But who's saying they don't accept you? Have they told you that you're wrong for being you? Have they told you to change or be someone else? Have they told you they consider you a less worthy person? No. Maybe they accept you just fine. You've created a story in your head however: they don't invite us on holiday so that must mean they don't accept me.
This is your thinking that's causing the drama. Not them.
It's their right to go on holiday with whoever they please. And if you don't even want to go, then maybe you should take a step back and just accept things the way they are.
No one is being hurt.

@Hbosh of course I wanted to go on holiday with them all. But after 10 loads of breaks away without being invited I’m a bit bitter now. It’s not like they invited and we went and it wasn’t nice, we’ve never been invited. I’ve invited them to come with us and always excuses as to why they can’t. Now it’s got to the point that I’d feel very awkward if we went.

Why buy the other grandchildren gifts and not our daughters, why did she get wetwipes. All I can assume is they don’t like me. Why buy the other DIL her favourite drinks for when she visits and I don’t even get offered anything. She won’t even look my in the face and great me. It’s really odd. If something happened that causes a rift I’d understand but nothing has happened. I mean we don’t have much in common. There have been a few times the dad made crude sexist jokes and I didn’t find it funny but that’s all. I guess we are just too different. But then treat the grandchildren the same, it’s not her fault.

I’m in the minority here, but I see this as an issue. They don’t have to love you and be close (though that would have been nice), but they should treat you and their grandchild with some decency and basic politeness. That your DH doesn’t see it, will likely cause more problems as your child grows up and realises the difference in treatment. Yes, you can go NC, but it seems your DH won’t want to. Then how does visiting etc. work?

@Frumpyfrau visiting if awful. They talk about the family holidays etc. I feel invisible and just want to say ffs and walk out but I don’t. Anything I bring up or talk about is just shrugged off and they back to talking within themselves. I just don’t fit.

If the in laws don’t like you - for whatever reason - there’s nothing you can do about that. Maybe your DP can ask his parents the reason his family go on holidays together but HE has never been invited. See what their response is.