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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my relationship doomed because I don’t like his parents?

50 replies

Blackpen · 12/04/2024 09:06

My partner is quite close to his parents. He is autistic, more on the mild scale but things do go over his head. I have told him about this but he doesn’t see it. His parents quite obviously don’t like me. I’ve done nothing wrong. They like the other DIL but for some reason not me. They all go on holidays together and we aren’t invited. They make zero effort with me or asking about their granddaughter.

It was getting me down so I’ve started to distance myself. I no longer make an effort to speak to them or invite them to things for them to just make excuses. I removed myself from group chats etc where I’m not part of. I’ve tried but they are a click.

I’ve racked my brains as to what I’ve done but I can’t find anything. It’s not money as I have my own house and so does he. He lives at mine and rents his out. I am who I am and I can’t change that. I would love a nice relationship as I didn’t have the best upbringing but it’s not happening.

Are we doomed now? I think it will hurt him because he can’t see what they are doing. But being around them is really getting me down. I don’t want to go visit them and not even be greeted or offered a drink or spoke too.

OP posts:

AnnaMagnani · 12/04/2024 11:23

Are his parents the same with him? I am wondering if he is the family scapegoat but he is just used to it, plus maybe his ASD stops him noticing.

Most people would be pretty pissed off if they weren't invited on 10 family holidays in a row, but your DH seems oblivious.

I think this is a DH problem rather than a MIL one. She isn't going to change, isn't nice to either of you or your kids, but he keeps seeking her out. He is probably deep in FOG - fear, obligation and guilt.

You may find Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward very helpful.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 12/04/2024 11:27

I'm also wondering if it is your DH (their son) that they are actually avoiding, and you by extension?

Is your DH's sibling neurotypical? Maybe they have a problem with DH's autism.

Original poster

Blackpen · 12/04/2024 11:33

@AnnaMagnani yes in a way they are the same with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blackpen · 12/04/2024 11:34

@TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit as far as I’m aware yes he is neurotypical.

OP posts:

TheSnowyOwl · 12/04/2024 11:43

Does your DH actually want to go on holiday?

I have two autistic children (and am also diagnosed autistic and adhd). We all dislike changes to our routine, things we can’t predict and one of my children dislikes being away from home.

As his parents, perhaps your partner’s parents are looking out for their son’s needs. However, you’ve become annoyed or upset at not being invited without realising this and they’ve picked up on you not being happy with them so are responding in a similar way. Could it all be a misunderstanding this way?

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 12/04/2024 11:46

Perhaps they are excluding their son (your DH), which is awful anyway, but you have just assumed that it is about you, when it's really about him.

If that is the case, then it's probably better to have as little contact with them as possible and to not feel guilty about it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/04/2024 11:51

@Blackpen You are not overthinking things, you’re having a normal human reaction to rejection. @Hbosh ‘s posts are read as bizarre manipulations of the situation you’ve described.

Original poster

Blackpen · 12/04/2024 11:51

@TheSnowyOwl no he is perfectly fine going on holidays.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blackpen · 12/04/2024 11:55

@AtrociousCircumstance It is painful to be rejected especially when nothing bad has happened. I’ve often wondered if I am ND as I’ve often felt like I just don’t fit in. I try hard to be accommodating and have at times people’s pleased because I couldn’t see another way but I’ve learned to stop doing that. I haven’t made it up. I can feel they don’t like me. Other members of his family I can feel do like me. It’s that looking me in the face and smiling and saying hello, nice to see you, how are you. They don’t look me in the face.

OP posts:

TheSnowyOwl · 12/04/2024 11:59

Blackpen · 12/04/2024 11:55

If you are ND, then it’s possible you also have RSD (sensitivity to rejection) which is making the situation worse. Often people who are ND get on better with others who are ND - there is also a genetic link, so it’s quite possible one or both of his parents are ND as well. It could mean none of you are reading the more typical social cues and it’s a big misunderstanding all round or it could just be a difficulty forming close bonds with each other which is understandable.

Original poster

Blackpen · 12/04/2024 12:02

@TheSnowyOwl perhaps. My eldest (not his child) is waiting for assessment as she is showing signs. That’s more than likely from me I think. But then why be more favourable to the other DIL. Why buy her favourite drinks and not even ask if I want water. Surely you’d treat everyone the same?

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 12/04/2024 12:08

The situation is BAD! You are not “rejection sensitive “ you and your child are being actively shunned snd rejected. Its s bit unclear to me if your DH is too but typically the child of the scapegoat (your dd) is also devalued so i rather think your dh is the scapegoat or another, lesser, child in his own family. His childhood may prevent him from seeing what is happening. But as an outsider you see it—and feel it—. Don’t let the pro MIL set here further insult snd destabilize you. You are being treated badly: what do you want to do about it?

pikkumyy77 · 12/04/2024 12:13

Blackpen · 12/04/2024 12:02

Oh you have an eldest child that is not his? That is probably the reason for the different treatment. They don’t like it that you bring an “outsider “ child into the relationship who their previous child needs to waste family money and time on.

Original poster

Blackpen · 12/04/2024 12:37

@pikkumyy77 it is funny you should say that because the two other parts of the family she shuns involve second wives, and now me.

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 13/04/2024 03:06

Blackpen · 12/04/2024 12:37

@pikkumyy77 it is funny you should say that because the two other parts of the family she shuns involve second wives, and now me.

Well you have your answer. She has a thing against in- married women who had previous partners or children. She is probably still pissed off that she couldn’t persuade your partner to dump you. She is acting out her displeasure.

Yoe · 13/04/2024 03:35

My in-laws totally blanked me when I started dating my husband really they were very rude … tbh I have absolutely nothing to do with them . But I’ve never discouraged my husband having a relationship with them nor discussed my feelings towards them . Like you they just didn’t like me ( this was even before I had met them) I was divorced and so was their son …people are weird … I would tbh make absolutely no effort with them .. your husband shouldn’t really be asked to totally estrange himself from them but that doesn’t mean you should in any way be expected to interact with them .
you aren’t the problem remember that .. you have done nothing wrong . Also you weren’t reared by your parents to be ignored by other people nor disrespected .. let him visit them alone you take a break and put your feet up when he does .

Ponderingwindow · 13/04/2024 04:48

You are thinking about this from the wrong perspective. You already have a child with him. If you leave, your child will still be spending time with the father and the grandparents. The unequal treatment will still be there, you just won’t be there to mitigate the situation.

you aren’t close with the in-laws and that stings. Not everyone has a great relationship with their in-laws. Sometimes you just visit rarely, make stilted conversation, and then go home and hope not to repeat the experience again for as long as possible. It isn’t a good reason to break up a family.

WhatNoRaisins · 13/04/2024 04:58

I wouldn't like this either but if you already have a child with this man it's too late for this to be a dilemma. I think you need to find a way to accept what you can't change.

Eggplant44 · 13/04/2024 05:11

Blackpen · 12/04/2024 09:54

@Hbosh my saddens comes from how they treat us and the other sons family differently. They all on holiday with the grandchildren and we are treated so differently. There really isn’t anything wrong with us. We are all different and should be accepted for who we are (as long as not horrible).

Would you really actually want to go on holiday with them? If not, don't you think they can feel that?

Crushed23 · 13/04/2024 05:23

Honestly I'd treat not having to go on holiday with my ILs as a massive win.

This! A long lunch with ExMiL was taxing. Completely self-absorbed. Whenever I get wistful about that relationship, I think “at least you never have to deal with his mother again”.

Original poster

Blackpen · 13/04/2024 08:56

The point is had we all been treated well I would have loved to have gone on holiday all together. Obviously not now as it would be bloody awful. The problem is that we aren’t treated equal and I don’t know why.

OP posts:

Seaoftroubles · 13/04/2024 09:46

OP you say that they treat your DP differently to his brother so l'd guess you are being treated as an extension of him. I think you have written about this before, if not there's a poster with your exact set ofcircumstances and where the brother, and especially his wife, were very close to the inlaws and she was highly thought of as a domesticated, homemaker type.
Tbh l wouldn't want to socialise with them or go away with them if you paid me! In fact l'd have nothing to do with anyone who bought my daughter a packet of wet wipes for her first birthday!
Go L.C, enjoy the freedom and make your own memories. If your husband can't or won't see it let him visit on his own. Being autistic he may not realise how they are treating you and sadly it may just be something he was used to growing up. It doesn't make it right but you won't change these patterns, you can only change your reactions to it.

Newgirls · 13/04/2024 09:52

For me the line you wrote ‘I didn’t have the best upbringing’ might be a clue. Perhaps you hoped for a lovely relationship with these adults, better than you had yourself, and you are disappointed and hurt. You are defending your own child as you don’t want her to feel like you did.

it’s very understandable if your inner child feelings are hurt again by this situation. Honestly they are just random in laws and could have been anyone. You don’t have to be close to them or go on holiday with them. Spend more time giving your child the life and loving family you both deserve. Anything else is a bonus

Mumofteenandtween · 13/04/2024 10:15

Stop torturing yourself trying to work out why. This is a “her” thing not a “you” thing.

Frankly someone who can’t manage vague politeness to someone who makes their child happy is just a complete and utter failure at life.

Shove her in a mental box entitled “pointless loser who I won’t allow to impact my life” and get on with your life.

Coconutter24 · 13/04/2024 10:25

“I am not the only person who the mum is like this with. She has blanked other members of the family also. I’ve no idea why. I really haven’t done anything (well not that I know of). But there could be multiple reasons I suppose in their minds.”

Ok so we know MIL doesn’t make an effort but what about his dad, brother or sister…. Is there a reason they exclude you?

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