Would you stay in marriage if DH doesnt get your back with his his family?

[MagicalLand]

Lovely DH in every way except when it comes to his family, he has no spine whatsoever. He never sticks up in any situation, never shuts down family insulting me, and generally cares more about pleasing his family than me?
It's been 4 years of so some conflict with in laws and so much talking about how this makes me feel, and nothing changes. Ever. We did marriage counseling. Sometimes one day after he apologizes for not defending me - saying he will work on it - he will do it again the next day. If I ask him whether he can see how something is offensive, he never agrees. I could be crying about something his family said and he will try to explain what they meant to say instead of the mean thing they actually said. I have told him he doesnt need to support me if he doesnt agree with me to which he says supporting me cant be the same as agreeing with me; that he is trapped. I dont even know how to respond to this; ofcourse he can disagree but if he can never see how hurtful his family is (and never agree they are being hurtful), I am at a complete loss and see no light at the end of the tunnel.

Would you stay?

Do you have children? Do you need to keep interacting with the in-laws?

No we dont have children yet, but we would like to.

My husband is the same. Weve been together almost 20 years. I stopped waiting for him to defend me and just stand up for myself. I dont even care anymore when it causes conflict.
We also moved very far away though, so now its not really a big problem anymore.

And remember that your joint children will be related to his family forever. Might even look like them and have similar personality traits.

Personally if he can't defend you now, then he isn't going to do it when you have kids and the kids may copy the behaviour.

He needs to handle his families misbehaviour and not you and if he doesn't, then walk away. You have already had counselling and if he isn't taking on board the lessons to be learnt, he is not going to change. You are his wife and publicly he should support you, although in private he may point out the error of your ways.

I wouldn't have kids with him while his family are so involved and making you miserable.

How come they're so much in your lives that you're getting insulted and into conflict with them all the time?

If you live close to them, what about the two of you moving away?

But if you're not getting anywhere despite counselling and several years in, it seems like either you limit your contact with them and stay in the marriage, or you bail. You might be happier if you bail.

do not have children with him. Cut your losses and leave. Build a happy family with some from a healthy family. Love my dh but now saddled with his venomous bag of snakes forever (aka his awful family).

This is familiar. Just wait til he doesn't defend your DC against them.
. Think very hard OP.

This seems to be another thread with a similar issue of in laws. I read them and wonder - why are in-Laws such big part of people’s life so much so as to affect your relationships with husbands, that are otherwise described as nice partners.
Why do you bother discussing and arguing over something stupid your in-laws have said???
Why not just ignore and move on. OR not spend this much time with said in-laws - and have your own life and friends.

You marry your H. If he is a nice guy and you love him - it’s great and enough for happiness. You don’t need to like OR be liked by your in-laws. You can speak up and tell them yourself if you don’t like something - you are a grown up with your own agency.
Or - you can just ‘smile and wave’ and not bother.

Why throw away an otherwise nice marriage. His family is his - you don't need yo become part of it. You have your own family. And hopefully your own friends and human connections.

If his family don’t like you - don’t spend time with them. Life is too shory.

So stand up for yourself. Lose it at them. Say everything you want him to say.
And if he confronts you that will tell you your marrige isn't worth it.

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1 - I did it; I confronted my MIL about some things she said to him about me; she stopped talking to me after that. She meets up with him and talks to him (but hasnt replied to my texts in months). He meets her, doesnt bring me up, doesnt say anything / convey any disappointment on the matter - just meets her, has tea, chats about other things and comes back. How long will this go on for? Is this the future? Isnt his behaviour enabling her to carry on like this rather than consider replying / apologising / working it out with me? I suppose no one can force her, not even him.. but he doesnt even express his disappointment!

Does he defend himself to them ever? My experience of seeing this happen is that the adult child is so used to letting their family say whatever and minimising/ignoring it that it is almost outside of their ability to stand up to those family members when their spouse is targeted. Their spouse is an extension of them (in a way) and it's very uncomfortable to have to start butting heads to defend them, even if they want to in theory. It does need to be dealt with before children but the if the above fits your scenario he probably need individual counseling to make sense of it all. You're not wrong to find it unacceptable, but these are very deep seated coping mechanisms that have developed in response to a difficult family situation and he will have a lot to wade through in his head.

Unless of course he routinely defends himself but not you, in which case his behaviour is bang out of order and you should run for the hills!!

Oh, so you don't actually need to see her.
So just cut her off.

Do you plan on having children?
If not just let him live his life with them. He has individual relationships and ignore them

If there are kids involved it's a lot harder.

@FortofPud - he never defends himself but there is nothing to defend really; they dont really do conflict. Conflict is ignored / avoided - I just dont know how. For example, if his mum says something annoying, he would just ignore it. If she loudly insults some cousin for example (who will have done nothing wrong), all her adult children giggle nerously/politely and ignore it. If she throws her judgmental opinins around in a hurtful way, everyone tends to just ignore it and pretends it wasn't said. When she gets angry, somehow its just ignored too (she once shouted at me and DH for being 10 mins late for like a village festival, so really no time pressure and both me and husband just quietly filed away and didnt say a thing. MIL is quite a matriarch (and a bully at that) and invokes deep loyalty in the family somehow.

I don’t think you can have children with him. You can never see his family, but children makes it much harder.

Oh run away while you can. Thank goodness you don't have any children together. Can you imagine how awful it would be? You would have to mix with your in-laws for the next couple of decades even if you divorced.

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1 - we do want to have kids. I know i can just ignore her as i dont have to see her now, but I just find it extremely depressing how DH doesnt have my back. He actually doesnt express any disappointment and doesnt even agree actually that their behabiour and actions are hurtful. He always finds a way to explain it away as something they cant help and sometimes it is also explained as being justified reaction to my doing (which is saying anything at all ......or lately losing my patience a bit and speaking some facts rather blunty).

So do you love him enough to send your children off with him?

Have you told him you can't have his children in this scenario?

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1 - i havent told him that. i am the one who wants kids more than he does. He will perhaps be ok with sending off kids with him, they all will - i just dont feel good about such a future. It feels like a huge rejection - like a "dont want you, just want your kids". I am also worried about exposing the kids to such dysfunctional family dynamics in my absence.

DH was raised by an emotionally remote remote mother who ruled him with FOG. Abandoned by his father.
He insists on acting like Billy Big Balls in front of them and yet can't stand up to either of them.

So you need to weigh up what you want and what you can tolerate.
He's not asking you to be around them, force a relationship.
He's an individual and they predate you.
He's made his stand clear.

They won't want YOUR kids they'll want him and his kids

^This.

They'll get even worse if you do have children.

The thing is there are a number of men that you can love in your life. When you have children you are more involved with their family than ever before. They can get their claws into your children in a way that you can't even imagine now. Do you really want a life of disliking your in-laws and having them dislike you for no reason? Do you want to always have that argument with your husband.

Aim for a husband who always has your back. That's where you'll be happiest.

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1 - but they wouldnt be just HIS kids either? The kids would be both our kids. It feels like a huge rejection to say you want a relationship with the kids but not with its mother; that she is not family? My own family i snot like this; my widowed mum loves her son and daughter in law like her own children and this is a very hurtful alien concept for me.

@determinedtomakethiswork - but he says he has a right to disagree and I cant deny that. He says he disagrees with me and how I view things. He says getting my back always shouldnt involve always agreeing with me - i am at a complete loss for how to respond to this. Any thoughts how to respond to this? I feel he just doesnt get what having wife's back is but i am not able to articulate it as a response to his point.