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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you stay in marriage if DH doesnt get your back with his his family?

48 replies

MagicalLand · 11/04/2024 22:08

Lovely DH in every way except when it comes to his family, he has no spine whatsoever. He never sticks up in any situation, never shuts down family insulting me, and generally cares more about pleasing his family than me?
It's been 4 years of so some conflict with in laws and so much talking about how this makes me feel, and nothing changes. Ever. We did marriage counseling. Sometimes one day after he apologizes for not defending me - saying he will work on it - he will do it again the next day. If I ask him whether he can see how something is offensive, he never agrees. I could be crying about something his family said and he will try to explain what they meant to say instead of the mean thing they actually said. I have told him he doesnt need to support me if he doesnt agree with me to which he says supporting me cant be the same as agreeing with me; that he is trapped. I dont even know how to respond to this; ofcourse he can disagree but if he can never see how hurtful his family is (and never agree they are being hurtful), I am at a complete loss and see no light at the end of the tunnel.

Would you stay?

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 11/04/2024 23:04

MagicalLand · 11/04/2024 22:59

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1 - but they wouldnt be just HIS kids either? The kids would be both our kids. It feels like a huge rejection to say you want a relationship with the kids but not with its mother; that she is not family? My own family i snot like this; my widowed mum loves her son and daughter in law like her own children and this is a very hurtful alien concept for me.

But they don't care about you.
So they're not interested in your part.
They are his children, their grandchildren and you wouldn't be required to have that relationship.

Stop trying to chase a relationship with them. They're never going to like you.

I've been there. But worse.
I told DH I couldn't have his mother in my life at all. Ever.
So if he wanted her we could divorce and him and the kids could have a relationship with her and I'd never need to be in a room with her again.

After what she did to him he cut her off 7 years ago.

So I know I couldn't have sent my kids off with him and her and stayed with him.

You need to stop trying to fox him and work put what you're willing to tolerate.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/04/2024 23:05

MagicalLand · 11/04/2024 22:11

No we dont have children yet, but we would like to.

Do NOT have children with this man! Bad as it is now, it will be tenfold once children are in the mix.

No, I would not stay in this marriage. Leave now, while a clean break is still possible.

SleeplessInWherever · 11/04/2024 23:09

MagicalLand · 11/04/2024 22:08

Lovely DH in every way except when it comes to his family, he has no spine whatsoever. He never sticks up in any situation, never shuts down family insulting me, and generally cares more about pleasing his family than me?
It's been 4 years of so some conflict with in laws and so much talking about how this makes me feel, and nothing changes. Ever. We did marriage counseling. Sometimes one day after he apologizes for not defending me - saying he will work on it - he will do it again the next day. If I ask him whether he can see how something is offensive, he never agrees. I could be crying about something his family said and he will try to explain what they meant to say instead of the mean thing they actually said. I have told him he doesnt need to support me if he doesnt agree with me to which he says supporting me cant be the same as agreeing with me; that he is trapped. I dont even know how to respond to this; ofcourse he can disagree but if he can never see how hurtful his family is (and never agree they are being hurtful), I am at a complete loss and see no light at the end of the tunnel.

Would you stay?

I had a husband and an inherited family that sound very similar to yours. Over the 12 years we were together I was spoken to and treated in ways I am not accustomed to accepting - my husband never had my back either.

He's now my ex husband, I left him two years ago. No, I wouldn't stay in an unsupportive marriage - I didn't.

Original poster
MagicalLand · 11/04/2024 23:12

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1 I come from an different background and this idea that your in laws dont need to have a relationship with you is a hard one for me to swallow. I am getting used to it and i dont mind it so much that they dont like me but I am just not able to get over the fact that my husband doesnt have my back and doesnt stand up to them. I feel quite worthless because of that. My brothers wife and i have had some disagreeements over the years and my brother has stood solid by his wife; I just despise myself for not being worthy of such support from my husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicalLand · 11/04/2024 23:13

@SleeplessInWherever - did you have kids? If yes, how do the arrangements work out now?

OP posts:
Brabican · 11/04/2024 23:14

I think you are being unreasonable. Your husband has a right to have a relationship with his family. It would be wrong of him to force you to have a relationship with them but he isn't doing that. He loves his family. He was raised by them and he carries their genes. If you hate them with such passion it must feel that by association, you dislike him. To be honest it sounds as if you find him irritating too. As he ages, he will grow more like his parents. We all do.
You will ultimately be better to cut your losses and find a man who has a family you like and admire and you are happy for his genes to be carried in any potential children.
Your current relationship is never going to work long term. He will weary at your constant sniping of his family and at the way he was brought up. You both need a fresh start.

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 11/04/2024 23:14

MagicalLand · 11/04/2024 23:12

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1 I come from an different background and this idea that your in laws dont need to have a relationship with you is a hard one for me to swallow. I am getting used to it and i dont mind it so much that they dont like me but I am just not able to get over the fact that my husband doesnt have my back and doesnt stand up to them. I feel quite worthless because of that. My brothers wife and i have had some disagreeements over the years and my brother has stood solid by his wife; I just despise myself for not being worthy of such support from my husband.

How old are you?
How many fertile years are you wasting with him?
Will it come to a time where if you want a baby it's him or no one?
And then you have to wave a baby off to be with his family for Christmas?

MMmomDD · 11/04/2024 23:20

@MagicalLand and @Lacklusture

Are you the same person? You started very similar threads at the same time with very minor differences. Lacklasture thread was i think a lot more honest and disturbing - you pretended to already be pregnant and said you’d abort the baby so that MIL doesn’t see them. Then said you were not yet pregnant.
Most people suggested that you need to get some counselling and get help with your feelings of rejection just because your MIL doesn't like you.

Seemingly you didn’t like the advice - so you are wasting people’s time now again? With a slightly modified story? Why?
To what end???

Original poster
MagicalLand · 11/04/2024 23:20

@Brabican - at what point did i say i dont want him to have a relationship with his family? I am in fact saying I want to have one too and i want him to stand up for me so we can both have a relationship as a couple with his family.

OP posts:
SleeplessInWherever · 11/04/2024 23:20

MagicalLand · 11/04/2024 23:13

@SleeplessInWherever - did you have kids? If yes, how do the arrangements work out now?

No kids together, plenty of opportunity over the years and never followed through with it, for a variety of reasons.

Ultimately though, for the best. Parenting is IMO about teamwork, whether you always agree or not, and I can't be in a team with someone who doesn't support me - kids would never have worked for us.

Brabican · 11/04/2024 23:22

If you have fallen out with your brother's wife as well, it does suggest that you are not an easy person. Your brother might well support his wife because he agrees with her and he knows you can be difficult.
At this stage you have a choice, if your husband disappoints you so much, you can leave and find someone with a family more to your liking.
There was a thread recently where a woman was complaining that her husband disliked her family. She found ut very hard that he avoided social events with them. Lots of posters told her to leave because family is important. You too can walk away.

katseyes7 · 11/04/2024 23:22

No, l wouldn't. I didn't.
It was me, and him and them. Even before we got married, l should have seen the signs, but you don't, do you?
It won't get better, trust me.

Noodledoodledoo · 11/04/2024 23:23

My DH struggled with his family being really anti me - nothing I did except upset the apple cart and 'took' him away from them! I have spent a lot of time, counselling to realise its not me, its them, and just supporting him in struggling with a dysfunctional family.

Luckily we live a distance away from them so day to day no impact. Tried so hard to make it work for a good 6 - 7 years but gave up eventually. I don't/didn't have any contact details for them except sisters email. If I need to contact them I know how to access husbands phone.

When we had children, no interest at all. My FIL died having seen my children less than 10 times, my youngest was 3 when he died, my MIL about the same 4 years later.

FictionalCharacter · 11/04/2024 23:28

MagicalLand · 11/04/2024 23:01

@determinedtomakethiswork - but he says he has a right to disagree and I cant deny that. He says he disagrees with me and how I view things. He says getting my back always shouldnt involve always agreeing with me - i am at a complete loss for how to respond to this. Any thoughts how to respond to this? I feel he just doesnt get what having wife's back is but i am not able to articulate it as a response to his point.

He disagrees with you because he is not capable of seeing anything wrong with her behaviour. He’s been beaten down so badly that he stands there meekly while she shouts at the two of you for no good reason. He’s been made spineless so he can’t stand up for himself. So he can’t agree with you rocking the boat by standing up for yourself. It’s something he just can’t do.
This is an impasse and unless he’s willing to have counselling nothing will change.
You have already realised how bad it would be to expose children to this and make them the next generation of her victims to be controlled, bullied, weakened and made into an audience to listen to her bitching about you. While she does this he will just stand there like a wimp, so they learn that he lets her hurt them, just as he does to you.
The question is, can he be honest with himself and heal himself enough to prevent this, or do you have to cut your losses and start again with a new partner while you’re still young enough to have kids. I suspect the latter.

Brabican · 11/04/2024 23:30

All families are different. We all are a result of both nature (genes) and nurture (our upbringing). They form us.
Marriage hopefully lasts a long time. My children inherited features from us and our parents. I have grandchildren and I see them as a wonderful mix of both sides of the family. I remarked today on how much like my husband's mother, my young granddaughter is. He could see his mother in her too and it gives him a lovely sense of continuity
You don't like your husband's family. It bothers you that he cares about them. Time to split up and start again

Brabican · 11/04/2024 23:37

Children are the result of a biological mix. Exactly 50% of the dna from each parent. Your future children will carry the genes from his mother and father. Trying to make your husband hate his family will never work in the long run.
You have the opportunity to start afresh and find someone whose family you can tolerate.

AuntMarch · 11/04/2024 23:48

MMmomDD · 11/04/2024 23:20

@MagicalLand and @Lacklusture

Are you the same person? You started very similar threads at the same time with very minor differences. Lacklasture thread was i think a lot more honest and disturbing - you pretended to already be pregnant and said you’d abort the baby so that MIL doesn’t see them. Then said you were not yet pregnant.
Most people suggested that you need to get some counselling and get help with your feelings of rejection just because your MIL doesn't like you.

Seemingly you didn’t like the advice - so you are wasting people’s time now again? With a slightly modified story? Why?
To what end???

My feeling too, spookily similar otherwise!

ElloiseMcTavish · 11/04/2024 23:49

I am in fact saying I want to have one too and i want him to stand up for me

We have absolutely nothing to do with my DD’s partner for good reason. You can’t force a relationship with people who don’t want a relationship with you. Your DH’s parents do not need to have a relationship with you but it’s possible for him to have a relationship with them without you. If our DD was to walk away from us tomorrow and go NC we’d understand but under no circumstances will we have her partner in our lives in any shape or form. Parents are entitled to make decisions on who is in their lives and that includes partners of their children. Sometimes “standing up” to a parent of a partner isn’t all black and white, sometimes parents see through the behaviour of their children’s partners.

It isn’t always a “pick me” scenario and many times on these boards I have seen the wife wanting to be top dog and for her partner to “stand up” for them while the rest of the family has to do a merry dance around her. Your DH’s family have made their position perfectly clear to you which they’re entitled to do. Personally I think there’s a back story here to your post OP. You’re making yourself out to be the wounded party, you’ve also had a disagreement with your brothers wife, I’m wondering who is the problem here?

ElloiseMcTavish · 11/04/2024 23:51

MMmomDD · 11/04/2024 23:20

@MagicalLand and @Lacklusture

Are you the same person? You started very similar threads at the same time with very minor differences. Lacklasture thread was i think a lot more honest and disturbing - you pretended to already be pregnant and said you’d abort the baby so that MIL doesn’t see them. Then said you were not yet pregnant.
Most people suggested that you need to get some counselling and get help with your feelings of rejection just because your MIL doesn't like you.

Seemingly you didn’t like the advice - so you are wasting people’s time now again? With a slightly modified story? Why?
To what end???

Jeez I replied to that thread too. Now I come to think of it it’s the same scenario.

Brabican · 11/04/2024 23:53

Great pist@ElloiseMcTavish .
Lots of things to think about.

Brabican · 11/04/2024 23:54

@ElloiseMcTavish
Thank you for sharing

jsku · 12/04/2024 00:01

I replied on the other thread - but OP seems to not have liked what she heard there.
So she softened her story and is back for gaining sympathy.
Or whatever it is that this person is doing.
At this point - who knows who or what this OP is…:

Such a shame to waste people’s time.

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