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Original poster

What to do?

37 replies

Poppy105 · 11/04/2024 22:06

Long story short I've been single for about 4 years. I've been going through early menopause for the last 3 years so I've had no interest in men.

I have been taking hrt and testosterone and feel like my old self again.

I have been on two dates in the last week. Both human bin fires.

I went out for a girls afternoon brunch last weekend and afterwards we went to a pub. I started talking to a guy and we got on really well. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. We spent the rest of the evening in each other's company and at the end of the night we kissed.

He messaged me to check if I got home okay and said he would like to see me again.

We was texting each other the next day to arrange meeting up again and he texted saying he has to be honest with me and wasn't looking for a relationship at the moment as he wants to concentrate on spending time with his young daughter but he wants us to get to know each other.

I said I wasn't expecting anything, I just want to get to know him, have a drink and play pool. Which he said sounds good and we are seeing each other this Saturday.

I like this guy and if nothing comes out of it, I think we could be friend's. He actually seems like a nice guy. I don't know if he's saying he doesnt want a relationship as a nicer way of saying 'I'm not into you'. Is he giving me the brush off and my stupid lady doesn't see it? (I lack self-confidence since going through perimenopause).

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 11/04/2024 22:09

I think what he means is he'd like to shag you, then disappear, invoking his commitment to his daughter.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 11/04/2024 22:09

If he wasn't keen he wouldn't be going to the effort. More likely he just wants a friend with benefits or occasional booty call. Does' that work for you?

Original poster
Poppy105 · 11/04/2024 22:15

WalkingThroughTreacle · 11/04/2024 22:09

If he wasn't keen he wouldn't be going to the effort. More likely he just wants a friend with benefits or occasional booty call. Does' that work for you?

I don't really know tbh. I fancy him and want to sleep with him but I don't know if I can deal with just being friends with benefits. I've never done that before.

OP posts:
Lyracappul · 11/04/2024 22:16

I think men vote with their feet. Don’t chase him.

Original poster
Poppy105 · 11/04/2024 22:18

Do you think I should cancel?

OP posts:
Loubelou14 · 11/04/2024 22:23

No you don't have to cancel, just make sure what he's offering is clear and you don't undersell yourself. If he's not after a relationship then don't be worried about walking away. I think it is worth meeting to see if you get on and work out what he's looking for to see if you're on the same page.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 11/04/2024 22:23

Poppy105 · 11/04/2024 22:18

Do you think I should cancel?

For the simple reason that you're not sure, probably yes. It seems to me he fancies you and would be well up for sex but he's made it very clear a relationship is not on the cards. Only you can decide if that would work for you or not. If in doubt, give it a pass. The world is full of men and many of them are attractive so he really is nothing special. There will be ones out there than can give you more than he is prepared to. Don't let his flattery bowl you over.

NorthernSturdyGirl · 11/04/2024 22:23

He is being up front and telling you that he does not want a romantic relationship, but he fancies you for either a one night stand or friends with benefits. If you go on the date, having been told that, then you are accepting that this is NOT a romantic relationship but a casual fling/shag type thing. If that is not what you want...then walk away. If you are happy with that, then go but do not think it will blossom into something more meaningful as he has been upfront with you.

category12 · 11/04/2024 22:29

He's let you know his rules of engagement, so it's up to you whether you want to meet him for something casual or not. Don't do it if you want something else.

BirthdayRainbow · 11/04/2024 22:33

He shows interest and care by checking you've got home.

Then sets out his stall...

Bubblegum922 · 11/04/2024 22:35

He’s told you what he wants - believe him.

Original poster
Poppy105 · 11/04/2024 23:06

BirthdayRainbow · 11/04/2024 22:33

He shows interest and care by checking you've got home.

Then sets out his stall...

Sorry what does 'sets out his stall' mean? I've never heard that saying before.

There was this man perving on my cousin in the pub, he kept trying to buy her shits constantly. The guy I was talking to told him him to back off and leave my cousin alone. When I was leaving, he said if we have any trouble with the pervert man on the way home, to give him a call and he'll come and help us. He did seem like he cared.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppy105 · 11/04/2024 23:07

Bubblegum922 · 11/04/2024 22:35

He’s told you what he wants - believe him.

He did seem genuine but then alot of men do and they tell us what they think we want to hear.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 11/04/2024 23:12

I do hope "buying her shits" was a typo!

There's no reason he can't be a genuinely decent man AND not be in the market for a serious relationship. At the very worst, you'll have an evening of pool and good company...

Woxanne · 11/04/2024 23:12

As others have said, he has been very upfront with you about not wanting a full blown relationship so it’s up to you to decide if you are happy to try something casual. It could be a bit of fun or it could be a headf**ck! Only you know what you want. He sounds nice so is there a danger you’ll fall for him but he will just want to keep things casual.

Original poster
Poppy105 · 11/04/2024 23:15

FetchezLaVache · 11/04/2024 23:12

I do hope "buying her shits" was a typo!

There's no reason he can't be a genuinely decent man AND not be in the market for a serious relationship. At the very worst, you'll have an evening of pool and good company...

Sorry shots!! 😅

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 11/04/2024 23:15

If he doesn't want to have a romantic relationship then why did he kiss you? he's giving you very mixed signals.

Original poster
Poppy105 · 11/04/2024 23:22

Woxanne · 11/04/2024 23:12

As others have said, he has been very upfront with you about not wanting a full blown relationship so it’s up to you to decide if you are happy to try something casual. It could be a bit of fun or it could be a headf**ck! Only you know what you want. He sounds nice so is there a danger you’ll fall for him but he will just want to keep things casual.

That's what I'm worried about....falling for him and him not wanting anything back. I think this is going to get tricky...🫣

OP posts:
Scissor · 11/04/2024 23:24

Genuinely you don't sound ready for this.
He might be completely lovely but he has very clearly told you he does not want a relationship.
All your thoughts sound very like you would like a relationship.
You are both saying completely different things
You both like each other. He fancies you in a completely different way to how you are fancying him.
To be able to enjoy FWB and for it to only ever be that you genuinely would not be this confused.
Go on the date. Listen to what he says. The actual words. Beyond the loveliness and the fact that you like him. Listen to his actual words about what he wants.
If that isn't what you want then you say "no thank you."

Saves a whole lot of time and heartbreak. It's very hard if you're new to valuing yourself but it's a fabulous first step.
🤗

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2024 23:42

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/04/2024 23:15

If he doesn't want to have a romantic relationship then why did he kiss you? he's giving you very mixed signals.

What?! 😅

I've snogged plenty of men I had no intention of having a relationship with!

category12 · 12/04/2024 06:24

Poppy105 · 11/04/2024 23:07

He did seem genuine but then alot of men do and they tell us what they think we want to hear.

Show quote history

So you wanted to hear that he's not interested in a relationship?

GreyCarpet · 12/04/2024 07:35

Poppy105,

There are threads on here every week either by women who are in your current position or a few months/years down the line.

The bottom line is people meet people they fancy, whose company they enjoy, who they like as a person. And they still don't want a relationship for whatever reason.

Don't ignore his words and look for signs in his behaviour that suggest otherwise to you.

He did seem like he cared

There's a notoriously letchy bloke who goes to my local. He is 59 and hits on women who appear to be under 35. I often keep an eye on him and I have intervened if the woman looks uncomfortable or doesn't seem to know how to handle him. So has my partner. We both care in the sense that we don't like letchy old men who hit on young women and make them uncomfortable. It doesn't mean that either of us want to get into a relationship with her though.

I think this is going to get tricky... 🫣

It's only going to get tricky if you ignore ore what he is telling you in favour of seeing what you want to be the truth rather than what is the truth.

BirthdayRainbow · 12/04/2024 07:38

Poppy105 · 11/04/2024 23:06

Sorry what does 'sets out his stall' mean? I've never heard that saying before.

There was this man perving on my cousin in the pub, he kept trying to buy her shits constantly. The guy I was talking to told him him to back off and leave my cousin alone. When I was leaving, he said if we have any trouble with the pervert man on the way home, to give him a call and he'll come and help us. He did seem like he cared.

Show quote history

He's got you interested by showing you he cares but then lets you know he only wants sex. He's saying he doesn't have time for a relationship so what else can it be as it doesn't sound like he wants a friend.

Tel12 · 12/04/2024 07:41

I'd cancel. Sounds like you want two different things. You've only known him 5 minutes so no big loss.

oishutup · 12/04/2024 07:45

I think you should go along on the date and just enjoy it for what it is. He has been upfront with you from the start & he sounds like a nice guy.

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