What to do?

[Poppy105]

Long story short I've been single for about 4 years. I've been going through early menopause for the last 3 years so I've had no interest in men.

I have been taking hrt and testosterone and feel like my old self again.

I have been on two dates in the last week. Both human bin fires.

I went out for a girls afternoon brunch last weekend and afterwards we went to a pub. I started talking to a guy and we got on really well. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. We spent the rest of the evening in each other's company and at the end of the night we kissed.

He messaged me to check if I got home okay and said he would like to see me again.

We was texting each other the next day to arrange meeting up again and he texted saying he has to be honest with me and wasn't looking for a relationship at the moment as he wants to concentrate on spending time with his young daughter but he wants us to get to know each other.

I said I wasn't expecting anything, I just want to get to know him, have a drink and play pool. Which he said sounds good and we are seeing each other this Saturday.

I like this guy and if nothing comes out of it, I think we could be friend's. He actually seems like a nice guy. I don't know if he's saying he doesnt want a relationship as a nicer way of saying 'I'm not into you'. Is he giving me the brush off and my stupid lady doesn't see it? (I lack self-confidence since going through perimenopause).

He's made it clear he only wants a shag. If you're ok with that fine, but it doesn't sound like that's all you're looking for.

Sounds like he's after a FWB situation and I don't think, from your posts, that's going to be something within your emotional remit OP

I think you should go with an open mind to play pool

You don't have to lay everything out straight away, as in looking for a relationship or not

He might have said he's wasn't looking for a relationship but also.mean meeting you has taken him by surprise.

If nothing else it's an evening out instead of another one in.

Just go have fun don't get drunk go home at a reasonable time alone.

See what happens and let us know!

Oh god, don't encourage her not to believe what he has said very plainly.

Take people at their word, don't make up.your own narrative about what they might mean.

*I think you should go with an open mind to play pool

You don't have to lay everything out straight away, as in looking for a relationship or not

He might have said he's wasn't looking for a relationship but also.meanmeeting you has taken him by surprise.*

The man has stated immediately that he is not looking for a relationship. OP shouldn't go into this hoping she is the exception to the rule and just maybe he'll change his mind once he gets to know her. All that will achieve is him being able to say "I told you from the beginning I wasn't looking for a relationship" when she inevitably gets hurt.

OP - if you're the type of person who enjoys being in a relationship and falling in love, then this situation isn't going to be right for you. But if you can do no feelings/no commitment sex, then that's up to you if you want this situation. But be very clear with yourself that this is all it is, and don't try and convince yourself that you're ok with this if you're really not. Being unsure, would also put this situation into the 'no' category for me, personally.

Just to add here that the thing to take away from this is that some potentially nice guy, who has been upfront and honest about the fact he does not want a relationship (could be because he is dealing with a recent breakup or is not in a good place for a relationship so this doesn't make him bad), fancies you enough to kiss you! Could be a thoroughly decent guy who is not ready for a relationship (and lets face it, you haven't for a while either), has been upfront with you and it sounds like he wants friends with benefits. If you are game for some fun, go for it but if it will mess with your head, don't! Take the compliment and run!

OP he's been upfront and honest, he's told you he doesn't want a relationship but obviously fancies you so it's clear that if you do sleep with him then it will be as fwb only. Don't meet up if you feel you can't handle this kind of set up. Best to protect yourself if you're unsure.

Tbh, it doesn't matter what the reason is for him not wanting a relationship.

It doesn't need to be justified with an invented narrative of him having been hurt or dealing with a recent break up etc. He's not 'bad' to not want a relationship, regardless of his reason, and he's been honest and upfront from the start.

Update. I went, we got drunk, we slept together. I know, I'm a kn*b head! He was upfront with me and told me he likes me but he doesnt want a relationship with anyone.
He messaged me the next day apologising saying he doesnt want to confuse things and he wants to be my friend if I want to. I messaged back I do. I do really like him.

This has made me look deeper into myself and why I do things like this. I realise I have anxiety attachment and I need to go to councilling to work on this. I need to work on loving/liking myself as I look for validation from others and it never helps me long term.

So one good thing that's come out of it, is realising things about myself. I hope I can be friends with him in time. I have wanted to text him so many times but I have stopped myself from doing it.

I'd look to make friends with other people, not this guy.

It seems like setting yourself up to fail to try to be friends with someone who you're quite into but who has made it very clear he's not open to a relationship but is open to shagging you (and then reminding you he's not after a relationship). Don't test your new-found self-knowledge on this guy - it's self-sabotage.

Go on some more dates, there'll be non-binfires out there. 😃

You like him in a different way to how he likes you, so it doesn't sound like you can be friends with him.

You are not going to change his mind by if you continue to sleep with him, he will just get what he wants, and you'll be unfulfilled (as you clearly want a relationship).

I'd fade him out and focus on finding someone who wants the same thing you do (i.e. a relationship).

I know. I am fighting everything inside me not to reach out to him. I know, I won't get anything good from it. I will just have to ignore the anxiety and I know my feeling will faded.