Disagreement over trust

[maxiemouslady]

DH and I are going through a rough patch, well rough ongoing months I guess. One of our issues is I’ve said I don’t trust a female friend of his and his view, whilst acknowledging my view, is that means I don’t trust him. He says that I’m effectively saying that he will reciprocate anything she might do. They’re very good friends and have been for a long time (9 or 10 years maybe, I’m not sure exactly) and he has reduced his contact with her after these conversations but is saying he’s not willing to just end the friendship. Do I mean I don’t trust him?! This sort of thing fries my brain as I’m just not good at dealing with it.

Ooo it's a tough one, I think you're absolutely fine to not trust this friend, or her intentions - depending on things you've heard / seen over the years. Is there any particular reason or examples of why you don't trust her?

However if you've said to your husband you don't want him being friends with her anymore / talking to her anymore, then I'd see that as a sign you don't trust him, because you should 100% trust that he wouldn't even make an advance / reciprocate anything she might say or try to do. If they've been friends for 9/10 years, that's a long friendship to just cut off on the basis of your feelings.

I'm not sure I'd be happy with my husband potentially putting himself in a situation where someone would have the opportunity to make a move on him, but if this friend was part of a larger group / club and seeing her was unavoidable vs him arranging to spend 1 on 1 time with her, I'd trust him to behave appropriately!

If you want him to change his behaviour, it's him you don't trust. If you're fine with him carrying on as he has been, but feel uncomfortable with her, then it's her you don't trust.

Do you want him to do something differently? If so, what?

@maxiemouslady, can you elaborate on their dynamic as you’ve observed it?

Op I personally think that in any adult relationship where one partner voices concern like this about a friend then the partner needs to listen. I'm not talking about a controlling relationship by the way I'm talking about genuine concern or feeling insecure about a 3rd party for a good reason. Your partner needs to listen to you regardless to even still being her friend. He should not he saying things like that means you don't trust him. That's just an avoidance tactic and essentially putting the problem back on to your shoulders. Why would seeing her mean more to him then you feeling secure. It shouldn't now I'm not saying he should cut her off completely because I don't even know what she's done or how often they speak to make you feel this way , so can't give the advice there but his reaction should be , let's sort it out so your happy. At the end of the day your feelings should be first over another woman.

It's very much a grey area and I think the best way to go about it is by looking for the compromise.
You should be able to trust your husband. Basically that means that you should know that wherever he is and whoever he's with, if someone would behave inappropriately or come onto him, you should know that he will reject them and put them in their place. If you don't, why is that? Has he done anything in the past to justify your lack of trust? Or have you had experiences with other partners that are now rubbing off on your current relationship?

On his end, I don't think he should be obligated to end a long-time and valuable friendship because you're finding it hard to trust him. You don't have to trust her, if you trust he will properly handle any crossing of boundaries on her end.
However, since he is in a relationship with you, there should be some room for compromise. My husband and I f.e. have an agreement that we can both have all the friends we want, but the other spouse is always automatically invited if we have 1 on 1 plans with a friend of the opposite sex. We also bring these friendships in the open. They come over to our house, get to know the spouse, etc. What I will never tolerate is a secretive friendship that takes part completely outside my house and my knowledge, on chat, without me having the opportunity to watch the dynamic between them in a safe environment.

So maybe just zoom out for a moment, don't just focus in this particular friend, but have a conversation with your husband about friendships in general and what your rules should be, as a couple.

It makes me question once a partner raises concern, that the friends needs seem to be more important to them than the partners.

Hmmmm it's a tough one and I'm having a similar issue
Their friendship pre-dates me so I don't feel I can say too much but the only time we argue , is over her.
And I have to say that if she were a man I'd have the same issues
I won't tolerate him sacking off plans with me to go see her for example
I also think her sending him around a hundred messages a day (not an exaggeration) daily phone calls , seeing her twice a week , her working from his house , pet names for each other ..... isn't normal friendships levels.

What are your issues with your husbands friendship ?

You say he's your DH so married, how long have you been with him in total? I'm asking because surely this friend has been around for the whole time you've been with DH yet you say you've only been having a rough patch for a few months? Has something changed recently or has your gut instinct has been triggered for some reason? Has she said or done something to make you uneasy, or he had? You're not pregnant and suffering from hormone 'suspicious mind'? Or has this woman always concerned you for the whole relationship, it's just reached a certain level now?

‘That means I don’t trust him. He says that I’m effectively saying that he will reciprocate anything she might do.’

I read your post and it’s this line that stands out to me.

He’s triangulating you and that’s why you’re uncomfortable. I have a very close male friend but I know damn well he would never imply to his wife that I ‘might’ do anything to cause trouble in their relationship, because he KNOWS I would not.

Your problem isn’t her.

Sorry for the delay in replying, it kept slipping my mind. She’s been single for a couple of years, well separated to be precise…as far as I know not officially divorced. A friend of mine said along the lines of “ooh, I can’t believe you let DH spend time with a single woman” and it feels like it flicked something in my head. They do spend time 1 on 1 because they have a shared interest but it’s not a huge amount. I think they message fairly regularly. I’m embarrassed to say I’ve been sneaking looks at them (DH somehow figured this out). He often does leave his phone lying around and we know each others pin. We’ve been together 15 years in total for reference. DH has made various lifestyle changes recently but he’s always been really active and looking out for new challenges so that’s normal.

@Usernamechange1234 i really don’t understand your reply, sorry! DH has never implied anything, which I think is what you’re saying…?

If you have check your DH phone looking for stuff in it and he figured out you did, he is right extending the meaning of your sentence. No by your words but by your actions.

I can't see anything in this that sounds suspicious. You haven't given a reason for not trusting this woman, apart from the fact she's single. Seems you were OK with it until your friend made the remark "Oh I can't believe you let your DH spend tune with a single woman". I personally think that's a ridiculous comment. My DH has female friends, some of whom are single or have been single at various points in their friendships. One of my best friends is a man who's always been single. There's no way I'd end our friendship just because he's single! What a bizarre way to see friendships.

Your friend is the one you should be wary of, not your husband. That's an awful thing to say (based on no evidence apart from her being single) and plays into the misogynistic narrative that all single women are potential homewreckers.

I have to say I wouldn't tolerate my partner policing my friendships at all, and if I realised he had been snooping through my phone the relationship would be instantly over. Yes, you're telling him you don't trust him, which is extremely insulting.

I agree with your partner - it’s him you’re don’t trust to rebuff any provocation from her.
It’s not her behaviour that’s the problem, it’s how he responds.

Disagree. Friends aren't people you discard or deprioritise for a man, they're the ones who were likely there before the relationship and will be there for you after it. A partner trying to cut you off from them is called controlling for a good reason. And you don't have to prioritise your partner's feelings if they're irrational jealousy.

This is very simple: you are not comfortable. Do you feel that your husband is respecting that, or prioritising something above that?

The single female friend isn’t the issue.
It’s that your husband said “I’m effectively saying that he will reciprocate anything she might do”

Isn’t that a weird way of putting it? Wouldn’t you say - oh no nothing would ever happen between Sarah and I - or similar. The way he’s worded it, it’s like he knows she has feelings but HE wouldn’t act on them. That should make him feel really uncomfortable as well as the OP.

He's right. You either trust him or you don't.

You might be right not to or you may be overreacting but if you did trust him, a female friend wouldn't be an issue.

I really don’t get how this friend of the husbands is now the villain? Other than the husbands comment she’s done nothing wrong.

I don’t like the inferred meaning from the husband that this friend ‘might’ do something.

If they are truly just friends it would be a blanket, ‘she would NEVER do anything to harm our relationship, you are entirely safe’. My male friend would never imply I might do anything to harm his relationship because I wouldn’t.

This one line for me implies that she ‘might’ only feeds into this lack of trust.

If my husband had a friend who ‘might’ disrespect our marriage by coming onto him and he continued contact with her, I’d be annoyed.

He may have just worded this wrong, but it’s no surprise to me that you feel uncomfortable.

That is my point.

Personally, I think you're lucky you've still got a DH.

Yes, you're saying you don't trust him. It doesn't matter if she tries anything on, if you trusted your husband then you know that he wouldn't let anything happen. You don't seem to know that, so no you don't trust him, and you've told him as much.

And then you gone and nosed at his phone. You'd be out on your ear for that. There's no fucking way I'd continue a relationship with someone who invaded my privacy in that way, it's absolutely despicable.

I also wouldn't be best pleased with a partner trying to control how often I see my friends.

I'd really take a close look at your behaviour, you're not going to need another woman to break you up at this rate.

I'd say that it's pretty clear that you don't totally trust your husband. If you did completely trust him, there would not be an issue.

Whether you are right not to trust him is an entirely different question.

What are you expecting him to do with this information? If you keep telling him you don’t trust this woman, then in my opinion you are saying you don’t trust him.

Sorry to say you come across as a bit of a controlling arse.
Your muppet of a friend says oooh you cant trust your husband with a single woman and now you’re snooping his messages.
This is very much a you problem. Your husband is correct.

Let's put the boot on the other foot. We all know what people would be saying if you had a purely platonic male friend you shared a hobby with and your DH was checking your phone and telling you he didn't trust your friend. They'd be telling you to LTB because he's controlling.

If that’s all there is to it, you sound jealous and controlling.