Has anyone ever had their post natal depression transfer to a different child?

[DarcyHargrove]

I spent my whole second pregnancy worrying that wouldn’t be able to love my baby because I couldn’t imagine loving anything as much as my first child. I know this is a normal worry and that your heart expands for both.

But I feel like my heart didn’t expand and instead of not liking my baby, I transferred all my love quota to him and now I don’t like my eldest. I love her, I know I do because I feel heart broken about it but I just don’t like her. I don’t enjoy spending time with her, I have zero patience for her. I don’t miss her when she’s not here. I wish I could run away with the youngest and it just be and him. He’s nearly 3 now and things haven’t changed. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to feel like this. Me and my daughter used to be best friends.

are you seeing the GP? I suggest make a GP appt and consider medication and talking therapy. You seem a bit low. How old is the baby? You can get a perinatal referral up to 12mth after baby born. Do mal a GP appt and talk to HV. Get some support. Take care of yourself

She said the baby is 3. How old is the other child though?

I'm sure it's normal to go through phases of disliking your kid.

I mean they can be noisy, smelly, endlessly annoying and dull. We'll tbf, so can anyone really xD

Think about other relatives. Sometimes they annoy the shit out of you too right?

The first, new baby love...is literally just hormones too. You get pumped full of them to bond you to the baby. But realistically...babies are awful. Sorry. But they are. Especially when they scream all the time.

I can certainly imagine a toddler would annoy the fuck out of me if I had a new baby to contend with too.

Honestly op you're normal. You're a human being. Not just a "mum". Chances are when they start school, you'll adore them again...at least until they are teens. But it varies.

So long as you are looking after yourself and them it'll be fine!

No, I think you’re minimising what she’s saying. It’s really important to listen when mums talk about mental health. Read her post again. What she’s describing doesn’t sound like a phase.Feeling like this for Three years isn’t a phase

@DarcyHargrove you can self refer to IAPT talking therapy if you wish. You might find that helpful

My older one isn’t a toddler she’s 10 nearly 11.

IAPT information

This happened to me for a short while after my second was born. That protective instinct kicking in along with pnd.
I was lucky it didn’t last too long and I was careful to try and not let it show in my behaviour towards my eldest.
Yours has been going on too long now and I think you urgently need to get some support with it before it ruins your relationship with your eldest.
I hope you manage to work through it.

Yes but why do we always jump to 'postnatal depression' just because she's a woman?

It's been three years!
I know we don't like to admit these things but there are literally whole reddit threads dedicated to regretful parents. Maybe the kid is just annoying!

I mean its sad, of course it is.
But can we stop telling women that motherly love is this ilinnate, endlessly present Well that we can draw from?

That we have to like everybody just because they are family.

Now of course op is in dangerous water if for example, she makes it obvious she prefers her baby. And can't cuddle her other child and show affection. It's important to fake it till you make it.

Poor little mite might be noticing something is amis.

Certainly wouldn't harm op to see her gp and get checked out.

I just think we need to be honest with eachother that motherhood is fucking hard. That we don't choose our kids (nor them, us). And that we aren't just mums, we're people. Our feelings are valid. And nobodies a friggin Saint.

Firstly, it's good you're addressing this because your eldest will 100% be feeling the loss of you. Not great in itself, but also likely to lead to resentment of her younger brother.

Secondly, I wondered whether this was about you preferring babies and toddlers to actual young children - but it would appear not as your eldest will have been 7 or 8yo when your son was born.

Can you pin point what it is exactly that you love so much about your son? And what it is that you don't like about your daughter?

Try show some sensitivity and tact here. Now is not the time for a rant about motherhood and society

I definitely do prefer babies and toddlers. I’m hoping as she gets older things might improve and it’s just this age I don’t like. But I’m worried the damage will be done.

Still valid.
Chances are when she's an adult, you'll be best mates.

Do the best you can, make sure to listen to your children and tell them only you are there for them.

See that you are supported enough so that you're not pouring from an empty cup. Make self care a priority.

Of course if you get any nasty intrusive thoughts, get to a gp. But tbh it sounds like...you're maybe just not that interested in kids, which is ok. Now you know. Would have helped to know sooner, but hey-ho, fake it till you make it.

I'm guessing something will happen where the love will just spark back. I mean, it's still there it's just not at the forefront. She'll do or say something one day and you'll just think 'you know what, I really love you you little bugger!'.

Feelings aren't always linear. They can be complicated and messy. Even a mothers love.

Go see your GP and discuss this
Consider IAPT and medication for low mood. With support you’ll be feel better. It’s unlikely this will spontaneously resolve, it hasn’t in 3 years. You do seem low and it’s impacting your mood, and responses to your daughter. Go to GP chat about options

@Pinkbonbon your jaunty tone and heyho is somewhat incongruent on a mental health topic
@DarcyHargrove you obviously have misgivings and hence you posted. Please do make urgent GP appointment

Well he's still a little cutie and she's nearly a teenager who will seem to need you much less than he does, not true she needs you but not in the same way. It is such a shame you are feeling like this, I do hope it changes as the little one gets older and you and DD can do some fun things together.

Fuck tact.

Fuck towing the line of 'if you don't like your kids there's something wrong with you'.

If we stopped telling women that being a mother was innate and should just flow, people who aren't suited to it (probanly the majority of people tbf) wouldn't do it.

And those who have, wouldn't be told 'there's something wrong with you' if they struggle. Or don't conform to the stereotype of how they're supposed to feel.

It's the very place for this discussion vecause op is on here worried that she's failing or not normal for her feelings. Op you're feelings are not abnormal and you are entitled to have them.
They don't make you wrong or bad. They just make you human.

@Pinkbonbon your posts are reading like AI, full of clichés and assumptions. If you are a real person, you have no idea what you are talking about and casually diagnosing OP as just not liking kids is extremely tone deaf.

Fuck tact? Well You've monologued and dominated someone else thread about mental health with your life view gleaned from Reddit. Your posts are crackers frankly

Why?
Is there something wrong with not liking a kid or kids? Do you think it diminishes us as women?
Is it because childcare is commonly connected with nurturing, femininity, warmth?

We've been brainwashed. Worst of all we carry on the same brainwashing with eachother.

Having children is not our purpose.
We do not have to do it or like it.
Or put motherhood on a pedestal.

What I'm saying isn't crackers. It's just controversial because we've been raised not to talk bad about motherhood. And it's taboo for women to not like their kids. But guess what, it happens!

there you go again with the bellicose rants and cliches. You’re monologuing and are choosing to be belligerent

I'm not being belligerent.

Obtuse, arguably.

But I see nothing in ops opening post to suggest anything is WRONG with her.

Amd rather than admit the taboo that some kids are awful/sometimes we just don't like them...we'd rather...tell op something is wrong with her.

No, not going to do that.

@DarcyHargrove the fact that you felt compelled to post and you seem to know something is amiss. Encouragingly, depression is a treatable illness you can see GP consider your treatment options. It takes a lot to admit something isn’t as it should be, that’s your first step
Going forward Do eat , sleep, try exercise eg walking and try some of the free apps eg Calm and bbc sounds
make that IAPT referral

I’m addressing you directly. This isn’t a social science essay with society and taboos and paradigms. it is real life a triangulation of three players. Adult mum and the two children whom she feels different reactions to

Mood and affective disorders affect judgement.decision making, blunt affect and impact relationships. The relationship between mum and daughter is impaired and has specific stressors. Minimising it or strident posts about societal pressures etc really bears no relevance to what op is posting.

You’ve monologued and ignored the mental health to platform your views and assert unrelated points

OP, I feel exactly the same. Toddler child 3 and older child 13. We used to be so close but I really don't like her very much since the youngest was born. I have to fight my feelings hard and the only thing that works for us is to organise regular 1-1 time. I hate the idea but I quite like her when baby isn't around. God, I hate myself for writing this but wanted you to know you're not alone. There's also a big age gap between me and my brother and I remember my mum withdrawing from me when he was born. I think it's more common than people are able to admit. Hugs to you

Op hasn't suggested for a moment that her daughter is the problem though. She even says she used to be her best friend. She hasn't mentioned behavioural issues or anything leading to these feelings. So arguably, yes, something is wrong with you if you don't like one of your own kids, for no other reason than the fact they were born first and you had a nice shiny new replacement.

It's mad that if this was a post about somebody loving their new puppy and losing interest in their old dog they would be torn a new one but because being a mother is treated as some special characteristic she must be a saint and struggling in some way.

I don't have any answers. I don't like kids and even I feel sorry for the oldest. She literally says she wants to leave with the 3 year old and is happy when her 10 year old isn't there. There is only so much kidding yourself you can do. That isn't love. It's guilt, and shame of what other people would think, social obligations, that is keeping the child parent relationship going. It's not love at all.

I have no idea what anybody thinks the gp will do either. They can't make you love or even like somebody. The idea they can fix this is frankly ludicrous.