This is an odd one and I can't find any advice on this situation. It's driving me mad working out what to do.
I was in a 2 year on off relationship until recently. If I deducted the time we were 'off' it would probably be more like a year, 18m.
I used to finish with him because he was unable to commit in the way I wanted. I didn't want marriage or kids or even living together, I just wanted him to be more present and share more aspects of life together. We did love each other and had the most fun, the best conversation and sex. It would have been perfect but I'd get to the end of my tether when it was like pulling teeth trying to get him to level up.
Now, here's the stinger. I found out every time we would break up he would 'try' again with his ex wife. And this is why I think he wouldn't commit. She was dangling a carrot when he was dating me that they could get the family back together. He took the bait and then they ended up in a toxic situation where they were both keeping each other on the hook. They never got back together.
When we were 'off', I went on a few dates with several people and had a short relationship myself, thinking it was fully over each time. But we always got back together with each other. Until I found out the ex wife stuff through finding a message.
I finished with him immediately as it made me feel like a back up plan and not the one he really wanted. I also saw it as cheating, because of the residual connection they had, feelings. I spoke to her too and she told me everything about what had gone on.
Although I think some of it was embellished or just made up. I was the other woman after all, in a way. But I know some of it was true.
Now, his ex wife is with someone else. My ex is very remorseful and apologetic and has cut ties with her over anything that's not child related. He says the finding out has made him see how toxic the situation was and his crap behaviour. He takes responsibility.
I've told him if he can work on him self and prove whatever it was between him and her is now done with, we can see how things feel in a year.
But I'm torn. It's this just the worst situation because she'll always be in his life or now the is all blown up and the 'lightbulb' moment has occurred could he now give me the relationship I wanted with him?
He's not a drunk cheat etc, there's not a history of him doing this. It was specific to his situation with her their divorce. I got dragged in.
I'm just wondering if this is doomed or an opportunity for reset? My instinct is to mend, slowly, very slowly, but also I just feel like an idiot for even thinking that.
Can you forgive? Everything online says no but its more related to cheating during an LTR and not an on/off situation where neither of us were fully committed (I went on 10 dates over the course of our relationship as an example, but whilst we were 'off'...mostly....and maybe once or twice when he pissed me off, never sex, just dates)