Does laziness ever change or should I run?

[youuuin]

At my wits end this past week - been with my DP for 4 years, moved in almost a year ago after being mid-distance. He has so many lovely qualities, but I cannot stand how unbelievably lazy he is!

Just as an example, in the past few days he: 1) used our air fryer and didn't clean it afterwards, I have asked him 3 times now and he still hasn't done it; 2) a recurring one - I do the cooking and he washes up afterwards, he refuses to dry up/put away so I always end up having to do it; 2) I asked him last night to hang his washing out so I could do another load, just noticed it's still sat in the machine so I've dumped it on the floor and put mine in. I refuse to be a woman who picks up after their partner because they're too lazy!

These may seem like minor examples but it is just continuous behaviour to the point where it is driving me mad. I feel like everything I mentioned above I shouldn't have to even ask him to do, yet even when I do he STILL won't do it. We both work and I manage to do everything around the house just fine.

Does behaviour like this ever change (we are early 20s), or should I get out now before I get married and set myself up for a lifetime of being someone's skivvy? Hoping someone has a story of their partner changing this kind of behaviour :(

Sadly, in my experience, it gets worse!

He thinks it’s all your job. Such men do not change.

I married someone like this when I was 24, we were divorced by 28!

This behaviour is corrosive and he isn't going to change. He doesn't care about you enough to consider you.

See for me I think it depends on what his living arrangements were before this. My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers so the first time we both properly moved out/lived independently was when we bought our house. I did find that at first he was seemingly quite lazy but a lot of it was just teething problems, we had both gone from living at home and only having a bedroom to keep clean to suddenly having a whole house to keep clean and it was an adjustment for both of us until we sort of fell into our own little set of jobs/chores and it does all work perfectly now!

Run, Forest, Run!

I'm quite lazy. I wouldn't have an air fryer for reason (1). I always leave stuff to dry after washing up and don't put it back until it looks like the tower of stuff is going to topple. On many occasions I've forgotten about washing in the machine although nobody would really remind me about it. I don't think my DH is too resentful of me!

Ask him about those things.
If the discussion goes well (remains friendly, you both share the icks and are willing to make it work), you can try it. If you don't like his answers, run

Run. He won't change and it'll wear you down.

Thank you for sharing. I knew the responses to this would be telling me to leave and tbh I am leaning in that direction if things don't change - I don't see it as forgetfulness, but a complete lack of care and consideration which goes deeper than just leaving some laundry in the drum.

He did previously live with his Mum, but only 2 years ago graduated from University (where we met) and all of his housemates told me what a delight he was to live with, always clean and tidy and on top of everything - so I'm really baffled what has happened between now and then, as I've always made it clear I'm not going to pick up after him.

Not sure if it's worth a conversation, giving an ultimatum and saying that if this doesn't change then I will absolutely not stand for it?

All those little irritations add up in my view. Eventually you can't stand them. I don't think men like this get better - I think they tend to get worse. I'd run. Youth is fleeting - don't waste it with him. Can you imagine if you had children with this man - he'd probably refuse to change nappies if he balks at using a tea towel now.

Why has he changed? He has got his own tame woman in residence to do it all.

This is exactly what I am thinking... on one hand I just wish he wasn't like this, as he is so lovely in so many other ways and otherwise I would want to spend my life with him. On the other, I realise that getting out now would be much easier than waiting until I'm married to him with children.

Run!

DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM

I had kids with someone lazy - I grew up he didn’t know I spend my days angry and frustrated that he sleeps while I do everything for the baby and then he calls me a nag … don’t do it to yourself

Yes - I’m getting 🦆🦆🦆🦆in a row as should the op

When someone shows you who they are…..believe them.

Early 20s? Well, the brain doesn’t reach maturity until mid twenties… I don’t think it’s rare for young people of that age to still be a bit teenage, lazy and selfish, especially if they have been living at home or have never lived with a partner before. Most people still have some growing up to do at that age and most people do grow up eventually…

However, being dumped for being a selfish pig is sometimes what it takes to make some people learn that lesson!

I do think men like this can be "trained" if you can be arsed to invest the time and effort AND if he is open to change (i.e. he doesn't fundamentally believe it's women's work or some such misogynistic bullshit). This involves having a clear division of responsibilities and NEVER picking up something that should be his (why not just leave the washing up out rather than put it away?). I'll be interested to hear what happens in 2 of the examples you've given in the OP. Will he eventually clean the air fryer and sort out his laundry? If the answer is no, run!

When you discuss it with him what is his response? If he is genuinely lovely he won't want to take advantage of you however entitlement around housework is common for some men. What is his father like? This will be his role model.

However 100% agree with others, behaviours usually only get much worse and once committed such as mortgage or marriage you get stuck.

Change is a possibility, but dwelling on it indefinitely could mean missing out on other opportunities.

From my perspective, both of you are too young to commit and settle down, considering you were recently high school students.

Your twenties should be a time of exploration, not settling down, especially not in your early twenties.

Simply because you've been together since high school doesn't mean you're obligated to stay together forever.

Change is a constant in life, and what it brings remains uncertain. People only change when they're motivated or circumstances force them to. It might be wise to end the relationship permanently to avoid further deterioration. Avoid becoming a doormat or maid, and refrain from having children together.

Maybe you should consider living alone for a while; you might find you prefer it that way.

https://medium.com/illumination/why-your-20s-are-the-most-important-period-of-your-life-7dd2de7cf544

You’re absolutely right to think carefully about this now. In my experience (and a friend of mine is one of these lazy men, who used to retreat to his study proclaiming he needed to work, who had two children with his long suffering wife before she divorced him — after which he just came home from work and played computer games till bedtime every day, claiming it would be ‘too difficult’ to have their children overnight), these men are at their ‘liveliest’ in a new relationship, and default to doing nothing once they feel ‘settled’.

My friend after a year started a new relationship, and was dashing about being all zippy and spontaneous for a while, then his new girlfriend moved in. Now he seems to have retreated to his study to game under the guise of work again. If she leaves, I imagine the same pattern will continue in subsequent relationships.

My DS was a lazy little scrote up until a couple of years ago. He’s 25 now and suddenly morphed into Mrs Hinch. I think that males can sometimes (but not always) mature by their mid-20s.

Not sure if it's worth a conversation, giving an ultimatum and saying that if this doesn't change then I will absolutely not stand for it

Unless you want a man you've had to explicitly ask to respect your wishes, don't bother. You've already told him what's bothering you and what you'd like him to do. He has already ignored that. Hanging a few pairs of socks out and putting a few plates away won't change the fact that, unless prompted, he doesn't bother to do what would make you happy to live with him.

He's a lazy slob.

I'd start calling him Wayne in front of friends and family and tell them why!

If he doesn't get his act together then why waste your life with a creature like him?

www.oocities.org/harryenf/slobs.html

But he's got a woman to do all that boring stuff now. You.

I stopped reading at 3), is it normal to separate your washing and each hangs their own, never done it and never heard of it. In my opinion, laziness doesn’t change and domestic incompatibilities drain a relationship after a while.