Does laziness ever change or should I run?

[youuuin]

At my wits end this past week - been with my DP for 4 years, moved in almost a year ago after being mid-distance. He has so many lovely qualities, but I cannot stand how unbelievably lazy he is!

Just as an example, in the past few days he: 1) used our air fryer and didn't clean it afterwards, I have asked him 3 times now and he still hasn't done it; 2) a recurring one - I do the cooking and he washes up afterwards, he refuses to dry up/put away so I always end up having to do it; 2) I asked him last night to hang his washing out so I could do another load, just noticed it's still sat in the machine so I've dumped it on the floor and put mine in. I refuse to be a woman who picks up after their partner because they're too lazy!

These may seem like minor examples but it is just continuous behaviour to the point where it is driving me mad. I feel like everything I mentioned above I shouldn't have to even ask him to do, yet even when I do he STILL won't do it. We both work and I manage to do everything around the house just fine.

Does behaviour like this ever change (we are early 20s), or should I get out now before I get married and set myself up for a lifetime of being someone's skivvy? Hoping someone has a story of their partner changing this kind of behaviour :(

He's put you into the role of house adult. Not accidentally either.

Seriously. Walk away. He won't change.

He's telling you who he is. Listen to him. And then Run for the hills!

So normally I'd be the first in with a LTB, but it all depends

1) used our air fryer and didn't clean it afterwards, I have asked him 3 times now and he still hasn't done it

Do you mean immediately afterwards? You've asked him 3 times - over what time period?

2) a recurring one - I do the cooking and he washes up afterwards, he refuses to dry up/put away so I always end up having to do it

DH normally cooks so I wash up every night but don't dry them. I put the dishes away the next morning. If my DH wanted them dried and put away I'd tell him to do it himself.

I asked him last night to hang his washing out so I could do another load, just noticed it's still sat in the machine so I've dumped it on the floor and put mine in

Yeah, this would do my head in and I'd do exactly the same. Do not start hanging his stuff up cos as you know, he'll come to expect it.

You both have different priorities when it comes to 'housework' and it may be that you take on slightly more because you have higher standards. But, and it's a big but, only if you think he's worth it.

Early 20s?

Everyone changes in the next decade

Blimey

If you enjoy him otherwise then separate your living arrangements

But no one can make a reasonable guess about an early 20s anyone

I was more like him than you in my early 20s. Life was outside domestic chores. Even with a partner/living with one.

If he ticks all other boxes (exciting/ interested in you/ likes doing stuff/ loving/ you fancy him/ good sex life) I would give him a chance and talk to him. Divide the jobs, don't divide jobs within jobs (my washing/ your washing). He may not care if the air fryer is dirty (maybe he uses it when it is). Tell him it's inconsiderate and is giving you the signal that he expects you to do it. Tell him it's giving you the ick.

I don’t think he’s necessarily lazy, but does things in a different way. For example, my dp washes up as he goes along, while I’ll do it all at the end.

You say he was known to be on top of everything. Maybe he does stuff, but in his timeframe, not yours.

Yes, I agree. He used the air fryer on Sunday, and with the washing up he goes to work the next morning without putting anything away, so when it comes time for me to cook again in the evening I have to put it all away so I can use what I need.

I'm not Mrs Hinch by any stretch, I don't mind a bit of untidiness but dirt from food and damp smell from clothes is too far for me. I know my posts make it sound like I'm some sad case nagging him like his Mum but apart from this we do live a very fun life and go out lots etc, I just want to nip this habit of treating me like a maid in the bud before it goes too far.

In your situation I would sit him down and explain, again, but add that if this doesn't change you will leave as you do not want a lifetime of this, especially with kids in tow.

Make it very clear what you expect him to do. Write up a list if you must! Give him a set amount of time and see if he actually sticks to it (he is likely to say he will change etc etc, but wait for the action to match those claims).

This

My worry would be that actually, he hasn't always been lazy, he used to be clean and tidy. But now he thinks he doesn't need to be, because he expects you to do it.

Whether or not he admits it out loud, he's put you in the role of housekeeper. Your resentment of him will only grow, and if you have dc's, it will get ten times worse.

Yes, definitely get this sorted before you even consider having children.

But what you tend to find is that if he's the kind of guy who thinks the domestic chores are yours because vagina, even if you do get him paying lip service to it when you go on maternity leave - of course, you're at home, so you should do the housework you've got the time etc etc, seems fair, yada yada - but then when you go back to work, it doesn't swing back to shared, it's become a habit that he does fuck all and you just end up the drudge.

I know my posts make it sound like I'm some sad case nagging him like his Mum

Drop this negative self judgement. You want one thing, he wants another. Neither is right or wrong, but you don't match.

Do people clean the air fryer after every use ?

No he won't change sadly. My partner is nearly 40 and it's all or nothing with him. Some days he will do like a massive clean up of the house or spring clean the kitchen, but the general day to day stuff gets left and that is a problem, I'm talking wrappers on the floor or left on the side, opening a cupboard and not closing it, leaving wet towel and clothes on the floor, not cleaning the airfryer after using it etc and that's the stuff that pisses me off as it gets left there, I could leave it for 3 days and it will still be there. It actually makes me resent him. Its up to you if you can deal with it or not, but it will get worse if you have kids with him.

He did previously live with his Mum, but only 2 years ago graduated from University (where we met) and all of his housemates told me what a delight he was to live with, always clean and tidy and on top of everything - so I'm really baffled what has happened between now and then, as I've always made it clear I'm not going to pick up after him.
this worries me, what’s changed? I’d sit him down and say this set up isn’t working for me- I was confident we’d be fine moving in because your housemates told me how clean and tidy you are, but I feel like I’m living with a completely different person than they described. I’m really worried somewhere deep down in your subconscious you’ve gone I have a woman living with me now and she is unimportant and will do all that boring shit for me. This would be a total relationship dealbreaker for me so I really hope that’s not it. Anyway, let’s see, but you need to know how disrespected I feel at the moment, and how I won’t just go along with this and pick up after you. we have to swap so you cook, as I always put away the dishes for you so I can cook the next meal. This way it’s on you, I’ll wash up after your dinner and we see how that goes.

And if he can’t cook grin and bear it. Full disclosure , my Dh moved in with me from his mums and he knew nothing. I did have to say being a good cook to start with involves using simple recipes. You’re a capable adult, I’m not going to eat yuk food and say well done, you deserve more respect than that from me. I’m more than happy to point you to some recipe sites or a book.

What happens is, he will take longer and longer to do things and eventually, you will just do it for him because its easier and gets it done. You become his mum. He will want and badger you for sex during all of this but the ick will set in. Be warned!!!

I admit, that neither DH or I ever dry up or put away on the spot. And it does tend to get to excessive levels before one of us does it. Admittedly, we have a dishwasher so the stuff we're washing up is the odd random pan that can't go in there or shart knives, water bottles etc so they're just being taken in and out as we go.

We don't wash the airfryer unless we've done something super hideious in there so that would depend. Also, annoying though it is, if the person before forgot to wash it, the next person to use it just sucks it up and washes it.

The washing - we do ours together but I'd be 100% with you if you found he was leaving his clothes and you couldn't do yours.

My point is that it doesn't sound horrendous, but there is a concern that he's not interested in any sort of compromise to meet your standards. And is this just the tip of the iceberg. Pre getting married/having children, Id' be more concerned about who is doing all the mental work. If you're cooking, are you also doing all the meal planning and hsopping? If things run out, who is responsible for noticing and buying new items? Who is organising social activities? What about family events or holidays.

He knows how to do it, he is done it. He doesn't do it now because he doesn't bother.

Hard to tell from your examples OP.

I am not lazy and am a clean and tidy person, well try to be! I can’t stand a mess!

However I often don’t dry or put away dishes until next day. Sometimes I even wait a day or so to wash them! I occasionally don’t wash the air fryer. I don’t leave wet clothes in the machine though, as it’s more work later.

It’s hard to tell from your posts if it’s laziness, being young or just different standards. Only you can know/decide.

I married this exact man in my 20's. He moved out of his mums in with me but he never left his mums, she had a huge influence on him which I feel was the problem in our case. It became so bad I got divorced! I dont know why I got married!

If I got home late for work, he just wouldn't start dinner, he would be sitting waiting for me or worse still, go to his mums because he was hungry leaving me to get home wondering where he was...

Had a go a me for not 'washing his trousers properly' His mum even told me she needed to 'teach me how to look after her boy' which included showing me how to cook his bacon how he liked it.....

Anyway I think what I am saying if the outside influence is strong it would be really hard to remove this and he might never grow up.

BUT if he is kind, thoughtful, considerate then discuss this with him, you might actually have to show him how to do a few things or maybe when to notice things need doing.... but dont let it fester... dont do what I did and marry if you are not sure.

Good luck. I wished I had asked Mumsnet 15 years ago lol

I would guess what has changed @Codlingmoths is that:

1. He is no longer a student with time on his hands. It’s harder work to do your laundry after a day at work when you’re tired than if you’ve slept in until 11am and only have one lecture to attend. And maybe his DM did the washing when he moved back home so he has got into a bad habit.
2. You only need to keep your bedroom clean in a shared house and clear up after yourself in the shared space. Household chores are shared. A lot less work than keeping your own home…
3. It sounds like OP is cooking from scratch every night. If he was eating things like frozen pizza, ready meals, takeaway etc there isn’t much washing up to do. Maybe his housemates left the washing up to air dry too (it’s more hygienic) and shared stuff got used before it ever made it from the draining board to the cupboard.

I would say his lifestyle is what has changed, not him!

Talk to him OP. At 23, I wouldn’t say all hope of him growing up is lost at this age!

Well. You are going to gave to tell him
I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER. I AM NOT CLEARING UP AFTER YOU. I DO NOT WANT TO DO BOTH OF OUR DOMESTIC MANAGEMENT, SO YOU EITHER GROW UP & TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN SHIT OR I AM OUT OF HERE.

He will say you're nagging. You say "Fine", & jack it in

Any adult who needs telling this has already demonstrated who they are. Needing to say this is the indicator, not how they respond to it. If you have to say it, it's already too late.

I don’t think it’s LTB yet, he’s still young, he can change. When I first moved in with my DP I definitely wasn’t as domestically capable as he was, and probably a bit lazy to be honest. I remember some arguments in the first year or so. Many years and several DC later I’ve grown up a lot and we’re on the same page pretty much with domestic duties.