How do you become someone who people just want to be around?

[LittleMy899]

You know when they say “she’s just got amazing energy”, the type of person who gets gushing birthday posts about what a great person they are with loads of pictures.
The best people would say about me is that I’m “nice” or “lovely” which sounds great but I’m never anyone’s first thought when it comes to doing anything, it feels like I’m just an afterthought or if someone has nothing better to do.
I know I’m quite shy and anxious and I hate it. But can you change that about yourself? Will I ever be able to be the life and the soul of the party?
My relationship has recently ended to which has knocked my self esteem, we got along and things were good. But I was conscious of the way he spoke about his ex and how he thought of her and that I could just never live up to it. He’s now with someone else who is extremely bubbly, outgoing and the type of person that everyone loves. I just feel low and rubbish!

Be yourself, everyone else is taken.

I think you'd be far better off learning how to smell the bullshit:

But I was conscious of the way he spoke about his ex and how he thought of her and that I could just never live up to it

Well he would say that, wouldnt he. Of course her arse was studded with diamonds and you're just some sub-human, that's him tactic to grind you down.

bubbly and outgoing sounds like some 1970s misogynistic advert for a female receptionist. Don't aspire to be that, just do you!

Love your post @daisychain01 .

I love it when the first response nails it!

Just stay off Facebook and similar. So much fake flattery nonsense on there, that is more often than not cringe worthy twaddle. Be who your are, don’t compare yourself to anyone else and be kind.

I would quite like to know as well. I am rather Marmite. Although not so many at the love end really.

Me too.

I’ve wondered the same OP! I haven’t found the answer though. I think being naturally extroverted helps, although I do also know some quieter people who everyone just seems to love (not me though 🤣)

Yes as often the first post is perfect

My reply is in the context of friendships with both women and men rather than relationships. I hope you don't think it's arrogant of me to say I'm someone people want to be around, but I am. I make friends very easily and find people become attached to me quickly (but I don't attach to them in the same way, I am very emotionally independent but never aloof). People seek out my company.

I think the reasons are various. I'm a good listener, confident, fairly smart, I love a good laugh and I joke a lot, I'm generous and compassionate and people say I give good advice. It's taken me a while to see some of these qualities and completing a Johari window with friends was an eye opener for me. I'm an introvert deep down.

What is telling about my judgment is that my friendships have always been far more successful than my relationships. I seem to choose men who don't appreciate those qualities.

So my advice OP is do a johari window with friends and trusted colleagues, use that to develop aspects of yourself you'd like to (for you) and accept that sometimes we just chose crappy partners.

Good luck

I have three children. The eldest has been the pied piper since birth. People drawn to this joker like a moth to a flame.

He drove his teachers and us to despair sometimes with his shenanigans. He's successfully self employed working his magic on clients.

It didn't come from his parents, his siblings are quietly charming.

His youngest, however, has it in spades as does his cousin.

There's an uncle of my husband, a black sheep who apparently was a real charmer, which was frowned on back in the day.

So I think you're born with it. That certain recklessness.

An old headmaster said to me once that boys like this either shine or end up in prison

My son is the same @justasking111, has people of all ages eating out of his hand. Very charismatic and emotionally intelligent, so harnesses his charm.

You just look at them think where the heck did that gene come from

The downside is their risk taking, he's had operations for accidents, wind surfing, kite boarding, rugby. He's broken so many bones.

His bestie another charmer is now a paraplegic.

It's not all positive.

Thanks for the replies! It’s not just the relationship ending that has made me feel this way, though that is part of it.
It seems to be a pattern with partners, that I will sort of do as a stop gap and then they’ll meet someone amazing who they will settle down with and be happy to gush about social media (I know I need to stop looking and have blocked the most recent ex)
and these people all seem to have that magnetic energy that people want to be around.
I am just “meh” and I think because I am quiet and a bit socially awkward as well I just give off a sort of anxious energy.
I try to be kind, to let friends know I’m thinking of them, to be a good listener etc but it is never received in the same way as it would be from other people iyswim

I'm much less loved nowadays but it's because I'm much more picky about who I spend time with and how much time.

People take more than they give and there is little I want, so that feeds into it.

What is it you want, Op? Or need?

Just seen your update, Op.

I don't think it's you, you've just not found the right lid for your pot yet. You will though.

@LittleMy899 my advice stop looking. Be happy in your own skin.

Take risks for yourself.

If you live near the coast join a club there.
If you live inland look for a club there.

Do it for yourself.

Don't look for fun in pubs, clubs. There's little there.

I am trying to push myself to do things out of my comfort zone. I’m by the sea & debating joining a sea swimming group. And have been looking into women’s circles to! I know a lot of it is my low self esteem and just general feelings of worthiness/not being enough.
but I’m not sure how I undo that without counselling which I can’t afford right now

It sounds pathetic but I am proud of myself for blocking him and the new woman he’s with so I’m not tempted to be looking and comparing/torturing myself! I am going to try and focus on adding to my own life

Getting the strength to block him is a huge step for many. It was for me back with my ex and yet, such an easy step at the same time. Very empowering.

I felt like I'd spent so long being critical of myself that I didn't know how to be caring and loving towards myself and it showed in the way I let others treat me. So I said that I'd try to be a yes person for a year for experiences and opportunities. (Not for men, they were banned from my recovery process as was anyone who had previous form for leeching time/favours/ effort off me. They got assertive NO's)

So, Yes! to the girl from work asking me if I'd be interested in the spare ticket to a band I'd never heard of. Yes! to a friend dragging me on a weekend away to a place I'd never heard of. Yes to the salesgirl suggesting that actually I DO have the legs for that outfit. Yes to that intimidating work project my supervisor thought I'd be good at, yes to that impromptu drink with the gang after work.

Even the experiences that I didn't like were "well, I'm not fucking doing that again, but I'm glad I gave it a go" or the absolute disasters were worth it looking back. I feel like I grew so much in that 'gap' year I had.

We have a rowing group all levels of fitness and age, youngest 20, oldest 85. 80 members plus It's a blast.

Be a good conversationalist and have plenty of topics to talk about.
Do not be a people pleaser.

One of my dearest friends can be a bit of a bitch if I’m honest but she is incredibly interesting. My Mother was honestly an incredibly self centred woman but she could hold an entire room, people always wanted to know her. I’m quite like my Mother but really try not to be self centred as am aware of my failings as a human. People can give off a bit of a vibe. None of us have control over that unless we make an effort to change and that may involve therapy or self reflection big time.

You know, just because someone is seemingly popular doesn’t mean they are necessarily these amazing people, with amazing lives that you seem to be comparing yourself too. So much of it is made up, over exaggerated and not sincere. Popular people often don’t have solid close friendships, they just exist within the bubble of a large cohort of friends. But get them on a one to one basis and you can’t get much out of them because they have come out of their comfort zone. Yes, they may be charismatic and popular but are often incapable of truly intimate relationships with other people.

Also, accept that in life not everyone is going to like you, and that’s fine, because there will be plenty of people also that will like you.

Just be yourself.

There will always be people who want to be in your company, and people who don't.

I think you have to be the kind of person MN would tell you not to be. Do the favour, make the first call, arrange the night out and don't worry about whether anyone's taking advantage of you. Do it because you're glad to and it serves your purposes. Don't be bitter.

Stop trying to change yourself. That's fundamentally not wanting to even be with yourself. Would you want to spend time with someone who didn't like themselves? Or would you prefer someone at ease in their skin?

How about not having an opinion on yourself at all? Just do life as you do life, without judging it?

There's no wonder you're anxious: anxiety is the fear that comes to those who aren't sure how to deal with life. Anxiety goes away when you realise that nobody knows how to deal with life, so there's nothing you have to change!