What's the most important thing for making a relationship happy? And unhappy?

[Rhubardy]

What do you think is the most important thing for making a relationship happy?

What is the thing that can be most poisonous in a relationship, making the relationship unhappy?

..... For the first, I would say admiration of the other.

For the second (the biggest thing for making a relationship unhappy), I think it's resentment.

IME communication is everything. Having been married to someone who compartmentalised his life, keeping me and our children in one compartment and rarely telling me what was going on in the other compartments I never felt like we were really a team.

I'm now with someone who communicates about everything, good and bad. Open communication makes everything better. You can both feel secure, trusted, loved and intimate. Knowing that you are the first person your partner will talk to about anything, good or bad, is a really nice place to be :)

Yes I would agree that being admired & appreciated makes you feel so good in a relationship.
What kills it for me would be lies and disrespect.

Communication and understanding each other are vital. If you have them, you have a good relationship, which sets its own level (friend/romance/marriage etc) If you don't have them, you are aliens to each other.

If you need to be admired for a relationship to work, you need to have a look at yourself.

I’d say shared values. If you don’t broadly want the same things in life, it won’t work in the long run or you will be miserable.

Just look at how many threads there are on people endlessly waiting for their partner to propose, or disagreeing about having children, or financial issues.

Honesty
Good communication
Similar sense of humour
Shared values

Mutual respect is imperative. Lack of trust destroys things. That's the basis and covers most things.

Communication is everything! No one wants to grow old with someone they don’t enjoy talking to or can’t communicate properly with. 2nd is humour as life can be hard and there will be many hard times so I need to laugh my way through life with someone.

Communication. My ex and the only man I have ever loved did not communicate, he went silent. It killed us. It is the biggest thing.

Loving-Kindness. Deep kindness especially in hard moments over many years deepens love so much in my experience whereas selfishness wears away at love.

The worst thing I think would be lack of trust/lies. I like total honesty in every area.

Respect.

It's more important than love imo

Positives:
Effective Communication.
Shared interests. Not even many. Just one would do.
Making time for each other.
Having interests outside of the relationship.
Speaking kindly and respectfully to each other.

Relationship poison (in a non-abusive relationship):
Lack of effort / care: affection towards each other.
Lack of interest in each other.

1. Mutual admiration
2. Ick factor

agree completely with shared values, including how we view money as spenders or savers
capacity for compromise, to apologise and to forgive - it’s important to let go of past mistakes

• Emotional intelligence to know what exactly borders you, communication skills to make yourself clear, understanding to empathise with a different point of view.

• resentment; wanting what isn't, feeling hard done, negativity.

Good
Emotional intelligence - some sort of reflection on their past and what they have contributed good and bad to previous relationships
Thoughtfulness
Honesty
Being curious about your partner in a way you want to make them happy

Bad
Lack of effort or curiosity about partner
Not wanting to experience life together - travel/kids/home-sharing/growth events
Lying and deliberately omitting information to manipulate
Competing with partner, could be financially, intelligence, social class - focusing on differences rather than working as a team

I seem to remember reading some research that found contempt was the number one predictor of relationship breakdown. So whatever the opposite of contempt is. Affectionate tolerance of your partner’s imperfections and idiocyncracies?

I think this post sums it up perfectly - attraction, loyalty and consideration

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/gdZVKddkpbMDU9hH/?mibextid=WC7FNe

I didn't read it that way but rather the other way round and agree with it. When you continue to admire the other person, you act respectfully towards them, you assume the best in their intentions etc and you tend therefore remain in love with them and that then typically gets reflected back.

Someone once told me the way you argue is the most important thing. Avoiding them causes resentment, they need to happen.

It's the biggest issue in my relationship, dh shouts and has to 'win' so I avoid. He thinks I'm sullen and distant sometimes but I'm just upset about the issue and don't feel emotionally able for an argument. When we do argue he feels a sense of relief but I feel worse, probably cos he gets to say his part and I don't get my point finished. Then if I try to finish it I get accused of dragging out an argument or provoking but I'm still trying to say what I needed to say all along. I think we have potential to be a good couple but this is the barrier for us.

Happy
Good, respectful communication
Alliance (its not you v them but the both of you all in for the good of the relationship)
Similar values and goals
Equal desire for the relationship
Honesty
Respect

Unhappy
Highly different communication styles, with one or both partners not willing to make an effort to reach the other halfway
Treating arguments as wars to be won rather than opportunities to get closer
Very different lifestyles that can’t be adjusted in some ways to fit the other
One person putting in more than 50% effort most of the time
Lying
Indifference

Respect. For your partner’s character, priorities, time, loved ones, ambitions and money.

Contempt. For your partner’s character, priorities, time, loved ones, ambitions and money.

For me I would say mutual respect for the first, and contempt for the second.

Shared goals and good communication

Different needs and poor communication