What's the most important thing for making a relationship happy? And unhappy?

[Rhubardy]

What do you think is the most important thing for making a relationship happy?

What is the thing that can be most poisonous in a relationship, making the relationship unhappy?

I disagree actually. I think it is important to feel like the person you are with values you, sees you. Of course that means they'll know your bad points too; but to feel like they see and appreciate your virtues, your talents, the things that make you special, is important. It gives you faith that the relationship exists and persists for real reasons, not just circumstances; and we do see ourselves through other people. it's grounding to have someone who knows us intimately and still sees the good in us when we can't see it ourselves. There's a scene in Hotel Rwanda where Rusesabagina is feeling distraught that he didn't see the betrayal of the white NGOs and journalists coming, he's in a real personal crisis and says to his wife "I'm a fool." She doesn't pander to him or big him up, just says very decidedly "you are no fool. I know who you are," and I thought how wonderful that would be, to have someone who just fully understood you and saw your intentions, your essence, as good, even when your outcomes are bad, even when you despise yourself.

Relationship gold: communication. Shared sense of humor. Mutual admiration. Same priorities.

Kryptonite: contempt. Selfishness. Sexual incompatibility. Betrayal.

Oh also, self- esteem in both parties. I know it's a cliche to say you can't love anyone if you can't love yourself, but I do think it's true. If you don't believe in your own good qualities, deep down, your own worthiness, you will never truly be able to trust or respect someone who says they love you. They must be mistaken or stupid, or worthless themselves, to love someone like you. So you'll look for reasons to despise them, or signs that they have got wise to their mistake and stopped loving you. Self-esteem is the bedrock of all good relationships - familial, romantic, professional, you name it.

@NCprivatelife

I think it is important to feel like the person you are with values you, sees you

So do I. Perhaps we have a slightly different definition of 'admiration'. I need to be valued, seen, and understood by my partner. But I don't need 'admiration' from anyone but myself.

For me personally -

What do you think is the most important thing for making a relationship happy?

Respect, trust, making each other laugh, affection, good sex

What is the thing that can be most poisonous in a relationship, making the relationship unhappy?

Lack of all of the above

I don't think it's about needing to be admired as much as needing to admire/respect your partner.

Unresolved resentments kill it.

Transparency and respect feed it.

Respect is so key. I thinks it's the foundation of all the other things. I ended a relationship about 6 months ago, and all the things that were wrong boiled down to his lack of respect for me.

Was going to post but you said it perfectly!!

Thank you everyone for the interesting insights :)

So many people have stated respect as fuelling a good relationship. What does respect in this case look like? I'm asking because I cannot see my own relationship clearly.

Creating emotional safety is the most important for me.

In an emotionally safe relationship, people feel able to communicate openly and people feel respected. But its circular. You also need those things from the start as they are what create a sense of emotional safety.

With that, people become closer, more open, more trusting etc. Without it, the distance between people only increases.

What does respect in this case look like? I'm asking because I cannot see my own relationship clearly.

Generally listening and not belittling or minimising. Treating you as they would like to he treated. Not behaving in ways that are designed to disrupt your mental and emotional peace. That sort of thing.

Boundaries. Know and respect them. Yours and theirs.

So sorry that you're struggling in your own situation.

A couple of examples from my last relationship:

• I think if you respect someone, you communicate with them respectfully because you appreciate that they are their own person and capable of forming their own opinions. My ex would often shout down my opinions, be condescending, be rude, and tell me I was wrong/stupid to think what I did. I'd dread when any topic heavier than the weather came up.
• Our sex life was infrequent, and in my opinion, completely unsatisfying. His approach was "I'm ready, put some lube on yourself and let's get going." No foreplay. No intimacy. Nada. And he'd then be annoyed when I wasn't into it. If he respected me, he would have respected my time, body, and feelings and put effort into making sure I was getting as much from the experience as him.
• He moved in with me, and things around my house were the way he wanted them. He sat where he wanted when wfh, and his attitude was that I could just sit wherever else. He didn't like noise, so I'd not be able to listen to a podcast or music out loud. He didn't respect that it was my house and, as the person paying the mortgage, it should've been my rules (with reasonable compromise, obviously).

Looking back, there were so many red flags that I won't ignore next time.

Shared values, respect, communication and good sex are necessary for a happy relationship.

Resentment kills!