No-one likes my best friend!

[Unusualpatternsofwinedrinking]

With all the other complex dilemmas everyone has on here mine seems a little ridiculous but its causing real issues in my life.

Simply, no-one likes my best friend. We've been friends for over 20 years met through work and have moved up together now both in supervisory positions. EVERYBODY at works hates her, to the point that as soon as she starts talking people will 'eye roll' in front of her. I will always be bias but my friend is a very placid and gentle person, shes always happy and has a smile and gives everything to her work but her team seem to hate her for exactly that and undermine her at every level! I have seen this myself and challenged them but she asked me to 'stand down'! I have encouraged everything I think I can do for her like 'reporting them to HR, ignoring them, its a them problem not you, talking and addressing it directly and even addressing her own leadership style' but she is worried because she doesn't want to cause any more issues because (and I am not exaggerating here) it's EVERYBODY (almost the entire company floor). It's got to the point now that I overhear people talking about her / laughing about her (they don't know we are best friends). I challenged one of the women about 'bulling in the workplace' but my friend called me up on it saying I shouldn't have said anything! I feel like I'm at high school its just ridiculous, we are 35 not 15. But I cannot get away from it.

What would you do in this situation?

I would respect my best friend's wishes.

she asked me to 'stand down

Why would you not stand down?

I did, I backed down and said sorry. I couldn't watch them be disrespectful.

Thank you I hear you, its very hard when in my eyes I see someone who can't stand up for herself so I almost feel a social responsibility to step in!

What are they saying about her? Why do they hate her? There must be a general theme.

its very hard when in my eyes I see someone who can't stand up for herself

This is your problem. Not hers. If she wants you to stand down and not speak up for her, then do that. If it's still causing you a problem, work out why. Why do you feel you are responsible for sorting out the behaviour of other adults, for the sake of another adult? Who did you watch being bullied when you were little? Our patterns often stem from there.

She must be a different person at work?
Or to the people who she works with

This. I am sure your friend is lovely but for every single person to feel this is a bit weird. Usually you always find one or two or three lol people in life who dislike you, but everyone?!!

Is she a placid people pleaser? I am saying that because whilst the intention behind people pleasing and being very passive is essentially to please people, it comes across as really annoying. It means you never quite see the real person and it can come across as incredibly inauthentic and patronising. I am not excusing bullying in the work place of course but do you think that is the reason?

Your loyalty to your friend is commendable. But it seems like your behaviour in this the company is more embarrassing to her than theirs!

I don't know why they don't like her, and ive never heard anyone say they do but its a real sense I get from people with how they act towards her which on some days is very obvious. There are mostly women in the office, some very big characters who will challenge her decision making regardless of the decision its like they don't respect her and challenge her at every level, like they want to see her become flustered.

They can also be childish in the sense of they will make fun of her appearance - how she dresses on that day etc. and

The thing is she needs to be able to deal with this by herself, and someone else sticking up for her may actually be reinforcing people's perceptions of her as being ineffectual. The way you help her deal with this is by supporting her out of work and asking if she wants or needs help.

Hang on..... if we see someone being bullied at work, it's right to speak out against that, isn't it? Regardless of whether they are a friend. Why are we acting like someone who speaks out against nastiness has an issue?

Oh goodness, I wasn't expecting someone to say that. I am not following her around and policing it like her mother but when she calls me crying it's then obvious its an issue

Well now we are getting some drip feeding.

Thank you, this is a really helpful perspective for me.

I think reporting bullying behaviour is important but only if the victim of the bullying feels able to deal with the fall out. This is.not.about bullies getting away with bad behaviour, but supporting the victim to get to a place where they can handle it themselves.

Why do you think it's your job to fight a battle she doesn't want to have, on her behalf, when she has asked you not to?

Sorry I tried to add as much as I could think of to ask for some advice, your comments are appreciated tho and helping me to think a bit differently.

Well you're clearly a good friend to her, as others have said maybe take a step back and try to find another way to deal with the situation rather than going in all guns blazing for her.

Never really thought of it like that

What a horrible position to be in! I’d hate to work with all those bitches. BUT your friend needs to address it really… in whatever way she can!

Can you answer it though?

Thank you, this is a really helpful perspective for me

If this is the case, then I would not stand up for her. What I would do instead is build up her self esteem outside of work. Encourage her to socialise with others, try new experiences for confidence, meet new people, and practice saying "no" in small instances where it does not matter too much. Eg. In shops queues- practice being assertive then when someone tries to jump the queue or taking something back to be refunded. Start small- when she has some small "wins" under her belt, it will build into more confidence in places where it does matter. But expecting someone to suddenly become assertive in a place like work when they simply cannot do it out of fear of confrontation is going to fail and then she'll feel even worse and it will make her even more reticent to take action. Encourage small daily "wins" and the practice will give her confidence.

I think it's because I'm living those experiences too so it is directly impacting me. If someone is being disrespectful to my friend, honestly deep down I want to kick them! I'm a much stronger person and I would address it if I was her, so I guess I find it frustrating that she isn't ready yet - but maybe she will be in the future and I can support her then.

I love this! Thank you.