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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

No-one likes my best friend!

38 replies

Unusualpatternsofwinedrinking · 10/04/2024 18:30

With all the other complex dilemmas everyone has on here mine seems a little ridiculous but its causing real issues in my life.

Simply, no-one likes my best friend. We've been friends for over 20 years met through work and have moved up together now both in supervisory positions. EVERYBODY at works hates her, to the point that as soon as she starts talking people will 'eye roll' in front of her. I will always be bias but my friend is a very placid and gentle person, shes always happy and has a smile and gives everything to her work but her team seem to hate her for exactly that and undermine her at every level! I have seen this myself and challenged them but she asked me to 'stand down'! I have encouraged everything I think I can do for her like 'reporting them to HR, ignoring them, its a them problem not you, talking and addressing it directly and even addressing her own leadership style' but she is worried because she doesn't want to cause any more issues because (and I am not exaggerating here) it's EVERYBODY (almost the entire company floor). It's got to the point now that I overhear people talking about her / laughing about her (they don't know we are best friends). I challenged one of the women about 'bulling in the workplace' but my friend called me up on it saying I shouldn't have said anything! I feel like I'm at high school its just ridiculous, we are 35 not 15. But I cannot get away from it.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Geebray · 10/04/2024 18:59

Now I am going to say this very gently OP - are you feeling frustrated and frankly a bit irritated by your friend's behaviour?

Maybe others feel like that about her too?

I'm not saying she should be bullied for being weak. Just trying to figure out why/how she arouses eyerolling in people.

Unusualpatternsofwinedrinking · 10/04/2024 19:05

Geebray · 10/04/2024 18:59

Now I am going to say this very gently OP - are you feeling frustrated and frankly a bit irritated by your friend's behaviour?

Maybe others feel like that about her too?

I'm not saying she should be bullied for being weak. Just trying to figure out why/how she arouses eyerolling in people.

Hmmmm I feel frustrated because she won't address it , are you curious that maybe she doesn't address a lot of things which might make others frustrated with her which may be one of the reason's that respect has been lost. I cant pinpoint when all this started but clearly I have been blind to whats caused it

OP posts:
DrJoanAllenby · 10/04/2024 19:33

It's none of your business how other people see her as they have formed their own opinion based on interaction with her. It's up to her to tackle any problems and your interfering is unwanted by her.

You are of course entitled to your own positive opinion of her and if anyone talks badly about her to you then you can shut them down.

I really think you should step down from being over protective as it seems more like you are interfering.

Unusualpatternsofwinedrinking · 10/04/2024 19:56

DrJoanAllenby · 10/04/2024 19:33

It's none of your business how other people see her as they have formed their own opinion based on interaction with her. It's up to her to tackle any problems and your interfering is unwanted by her.

You are of course entitled to your own positive opinion of her and if anyone talks badly about her to you then you can shut them down.

I really think you should step down from being over protective as it seems more like you are interfering.

Thank you that's the sense I'm getting from others too which has been really helpful. I absolutely need to take a step back and handle it more from a professional stance rather than from a friendship stance i.e tackle bullying in the workplace if said directly to me but yes otherwise step back.

OP posts:
Zippedydoodahday · 10/04/2024 20:02

If she's really upset by the situation I think I would gently suggest that perhaps she looks to change jobs. I imagine her confidence has taken a real battering, so that might be a hard step for her. But ultimately it doesn't sound like she's ever going to be happy there and perhaps there is another workplace that would value her more.

Has she upset one of the alpha types who is stirring up dislike of her?

Watchkeys · 10/04/2024 20:15

If someone is being disrespectful to my friend, honestly deep down I want to kick them

Who have you had to protect/do you think you should have protected, when you were growing up? Did your parents have a difficult relationship? Did you have a bullied sibling? A bullied friend? Your strong feelings to take responsibility for someone else have come from somewhere.

ThisFunCrab · 10/04/2024 20:24

I’m not sure on the best advice as it’s really difficult, but I admire you for sticking up for her.

Linlithgow · 10/04/2024 21:42

financialcareerstuff · 10/04/2024 18:43

Hang on..... if we see someone being bullied at work, it's right to speak out against that, isn't it? Regardless of whether they are a friend. Why are we acting like someone who speaks out against nastiness has an issue?

☝️

AssassinsEyebrow · 10/04/2024 21:55

financialcareerstuff · 10/04/2024 18:43

Hang on..... if we see someone being bullied at work, it's right to speak out against that, isn't it? Regardless of whether they are a friend. Why are we acting like someone who speaks out against nastiness has an issue?

💯

Bullying doesn't just affect the target- although they are undoubtedly the worst effected.

Where bullying is widespread & is permitted, the workplace culture is rotten to the core and everyone is being let down by leadership.

Bullies don't stop being bullies if their target leaves, they will redirect their nastiness at someone else when it suits them.

If you're friend is as lovely as you say and from what you've said about these people, then I'm guessing much of it comes down to her face not fitting and, because she's soft,they know they can get away with it.

You can support your friend and back off, while continuing to raise the issue. Any employee who witnesses bullying and other inappropriate behaviour has a moral duty to report it to HR.

Bullying in the workplace destroys lives. I've seen talented, strong-charactered people absolutely broken by it over just a few months. There are numerous stories on this site about posters or their partners who've been victimised this way and it's taken them years to recover.

Your friend might have a level of inner resilience lacking in others, but it will get her too in the end. I'd keep encouraging her to leave AND demonstrate how unhealthy it is by seeking a new job elsewhere myself.

This is a fight she's never going to win, it doesn't matter how she changes her approach or work-style, they've made up their minds and it will always come back to bitchiness and abuse. No one can really develop when they're being constantly undermined and shut down at every turn. She'll blossom elsewhere.

If you are really prohibited from reporting the behaviour each time, then start keeping a log. Don't save this on the company computer or systems, and make sure you have a backup. Document everything - and if you leave first, provide a copy of it in your exit interview.

She'll need it one day.

Watchkeys · 10/04/2024 22:59

The issue isn't with speaking out about workplace bullying, it's about approaching the bullies on the behalf of someone who doesn't want you to.

Nobody is saying that it's right to witness bullying and say nothing. But it is important to consider who you say something to, and who that might affect negatively, including the person you're trying to support.

Geebray · 11/04/2024 08:10

Unusualpatternsofwinedrinking · 10/04/2024 19:05

Hmmmm I feel frustrated because she won't address it , are you curious that maybe she doesn't address a lot of things which might make others frustrated with her which may be one of the reason's that respect has been lost. I cant pinpoint when all this started but clearly I have been blind to whats caused it

Yes, something like that.

Which in no way excuses bullying, but it seems to me that there are a few issues going on here.

Perhaps your friend would benefit from some coaching?

BringMeSunshineAllDayLong · 11/04/2024 08:12

Your office seems to be full of nasty bullies. How horrible to work in that environment.

Missamyp · 11/04/2024 08:22

What level/position is your friend in the company?

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