Husband finding it hard adjusting to 2 children

[Dgxx]

I gave birth to my second baby almost 4 months ago. Since she has arrived my husband has found the adjustment from one to two kids quite hard. It always seems like he is trying to get away from home life, He goes to the gym 7 days a week 2 hours a day granted this is when the kids are in bed but he doesn't speak any time with me. He has started to go out every second week drinking with friends when before my daughter was born he would have went about maybe 5 times a year max. I don't mind the going out but every second week does not work for my family when I have two young kids.
We have been having a hard time in our marriage the last few months also. I have relayed to him how we need to to work on things or I can see us not working out which is something I really do not want to happen but I just feel like he is so checked out and obviously suffering mentally. Am I overreacting and should I just give into the nights out as it is seeming to help him. I don't know I just feel like I can't win.

My first thought is - is he having an affair?

Either way - I'd suggest sitting down with him and asking him how he's finding fatherhood. Also ask to make a plan of how things will work going forward - in terms of family time, romantic dates etc given the new addition to the family.

My initial thoughts were also is he having an affair.
It's not reasonable to go out every second weekend when you have a young family.

My initial thought is did he happily agree to a second child (and the all extra input that entails) or did he simply go along with it to keep you happy?

I’ve seen this situation arise where the man- either through weakness or expedience- has one more child than he wants or can manage, then checks out.

He goes to the gym for 2 hours every single day?!?! Is he a professional body builder or athlete?! Sorry but this sounds extremely unlikely. I know some very fit people (one who is actually a semi-professional sportsperson) who don't exercise this often...

Sounds like he's having an affair OP I'm afraid.

Sounds like he's checked out of your marriage, have a conversation with him

He sounds really selfish - I assume he doesn't help with anything round the house?

I don't think he is necessarily having an affair. Probably in a strop because you're busy/don't feel like having sex/don't look amazing every day/he's not top priority right now.

How is it that men can go out & about when children are tiny & Mum has to stay home with baby & toddler? It's really common on here - men off to the gym, cycling, footie etc.

Poor baby probably isnt getting enough attention now you have another child, hopefully hes not getting it elsewhere.
As a minimum hes a selfish arse, no man with 2 young children gets to go the gym every day for 2 hours and going out so often isnt on either (unless you get to do the same)

He'd better have the body of an Adonis, otherwise its not the gym he's going to 7 days a week. Less of a worry is going out every other weekend, but that depends on if it entails getting drunk and being useless and hungover and not taking part in family life every other weekend - which would be a lot of time out. It doesn't fit with a daily gym goer to be drinking heavily too, they are different opposing mindsets.

I maintain that in general, men don't have the same urge to have kids as women do. We can say all we like that they shouldn't agree/should get the snip/shouldn't have sex but it's not the reality. They'll love the kids of course but simply not be invested day to day. They view that as something a woman enjoys more on the basis she was the driver for wanting them.

It's a story as old as time.

I would be extremely cynical that he is spending 14 hours a week in the gym to be honest.

I'm not sure what you can do at this stage, it sounds like, at the very least, he is not invested in full on family life. Have a chat with him but if nothing changes you might have to start looking at how you would cope alone.

What exactly does he think fatherhood looks like?

Like a single mother apparently

Rather more than he can cope with, by the sound of it. Should’ve recognised his limitations, and stuck to one child, if he found parenting too much tge first time round.

2 hours everyday? This is very unlikely .
As others have said, even the Uber fit people I know would NOT go this much!

Regardless, it's very selfish as I doubt he's pulling his weight in home chores around this.

how was he with the first child?

I'm interested in the fact that you refer to your children as "my baby", "my daughter", and "my family".

There's more going on here than meets the eye.

Was he on board with having a second child?

It might not necessarily be an affair, he could be doing a long gym session with food/drink after… maybe I’m being naive! But it does sound like he’s checked out somewhat..

Have a chat with him to ask him how he’s finding the adjustment, what steps you can take together etc

Has he always been a gym rat or is that a recent development? 2 hours a day every day is a lot, even if he's not having an affair he's definitely trying to stay away from home and family.

Wow. He sounds like a real prince OP. Does he provide you with any support and engage with any actual parenting whatsoever?

Your username checks out 🙄

No OP, you're not overreacting - this is a guy who simply doesn't want to be at home with you and the kids and who is using every pretext he can to get away from you.

You haven't answered the question about whether he wanted a second DC or not. So did he, or was this you pushing for a second DC when actually he really didn't? If the latter, I think this is his way of showing you that this isn't the life he wants. And if he's working FT (I'm assuming here, as you haven't said), and you're on maternity leave and as soon as he walks in the door you want to talk about the poor state of your relationship or hand the kids over to him for a bit, I can see how you've got to this point.

As for two hours in the gym - well my DS spends a couple of hours a day working out so that doesn't stand out to me - unless it's a new habit. Some people are just religious about their workouts. So which is it?

I wish PPs would stop the BS about 'did he really want a 2nd baby?' Too many fathers totally rewrite history on this. He is an adult in charge of his fertility, he is responsible for parenting his children. There is no way we would give mothers that leeway, even for accidental pregnancies, it really is the biggest heap of victim blaming bullshit.

It is also totally unacceptable to go out every single day and every other weekend when you have 2 small children to parent, it is not on. Raise your standards.

He is really taking the piss @Dgxx . YANBU at all. Adjusting to 2 kids or not!

It’s not victim blaming BS. The OP implies her DH was functioning ok with one child but for whatever reason seems overloaded with two and has just tuned out. All too often I see it on here (and IRL) where the woman pushes for one more child irrespective of whether the circumstances are right or the father is up to it. The end result is this type of toxic relationship where one partner is resentful of the other. Not good for anyone especially the DC in this case.

I do agree with you that whatever happened, he made his bed and has responsibilities to his family which he shouldn’t duck out of.

@Velvian no one is denying her DH is behaving unacceptably here.

I wonder if you saw the thread I created recently on this very topic. Women going on to produce more children when it is clear that the partner is useless and cannot cope with more… it’s not victim blaming to at least ask the question if the 2nd child was wanted by him and how he was with the 1st child.

Don’t women (excluding cases of abuse etc) have a choice with who they procreate with or is 100% of the responsibility on the man?

Blaming women for the behaviour of men is nothing new and is rather regressive. We have to expect men to do much better as parents and partners, not blame women for having children with them.

There will be no future tax payers, or public sector workers if all women are expected to reproduce with a handful of responsible, respectful men, the fact that they would have to father multiple children with different women would likely push them out of the responsible category. It is a lovely theory, but it won't work. We have to expect more of the men that are already fathers. There has to be a societal expectation on them.

Are you suggesting most people- men and women- reproduce primarily to create more taxpayers and public sector workers? I doubt it. Most have a child because they simply want one and sometimes the level of that desire can conceal cracks in relationships and/or the unsuitability/degree of willingness of the other parent.

We don’t know all the ins and outs and the OP hasn’t been back to elaborate further.