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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband finding it hard adjusting to 2 children

32 replies

Dgxx · 10/04/2024 18:26

I gave birth to my second baby almost 4 months ago. Since she has arrived my husband has found the adjustment from one to two kids quite hard. It always seems like he is trying to get away from home life, He goes to the gym 7 days a week 2 hours a day granted this is when the kids are in bed but he doesn't speak any time with me. He has started to go out every second week drinking with friends when before my daughter was born he would have went about maybe 5 times a year max. I don't mind the going out but every second week does not work for my family when I have two young kids.
We have been having a hard time in our marriage the last few months also. I have relayed to him how we need to to work on things or I can see us not working out which is something I really do not want to happen but I just feel like he is so checked out and obviously suffering mentally. Am I overreacting and should I just give into the nights out as it is seeming to help him. I don't know I just feel like I can't win.

OP posts:

revnrep · 11/04/2024 13:31

Velvian · 11/04/2024 13:15

Blaming women for the behaviour of men is nothing new and is rather regressive. We have to expect men to do much better as parents and partners, not blame women for having children with them.

There will be no future tax payers, or public sector workers if all women are expected to reproduce with a handful of responsible, respectful men, the fact that they would have to father multiple children with different women would likely push them out of the responsible category. It is a lovely theory, but it won't work. We have to expect more of the men that are already fathers. There has to be a societal expectation on them.

Edited

It's not victim blaming. It's saying that men's shortcomings are very well documented. Women can make their choice

SErunner · 11/04/2024 13:32

I'm not sure someone exercising daily = affair. My husband does at least an hour of exercise each day and certainly isn't. I also don't think going out once every two weeks is excessive. Why don't you go out on the opposite weekend? Or suggest you go out together? What is he like aside from the time away from the home? Does he pull his weight in terms of housework etc? What do you do during the day at weekends? Does he take the kids at all to give you time, and do you spend time together as family? I don't think those two things alone would be dealbreakers for me if he is supportive otherwise and you can perhaps work round his routines to spend more time together. It is okay to have some time to yourself when you're in a relationship and parent, so long as you consider the other persons needs too. Hard to tell from your post what is happening aside from the two issues you've highlighted.

darkchocolatecoffee · 11/04/2024 13:45

The societal shift in men is not going to happen overnight, in the meantime women can make an informed choice on who will make a decent father. If someone is in a toxic/unhealthy relationship and continues to have more children in these circumstances, it’s the children who also suffer. Not saying this is the case of the OP as we don’t have enough information.

Anyway this will be my last post on the matter as I don’t want to derail anymore.

CrispieCake · 11/04/2024 14:23

What a load of nonsense.

He chose to have a second child. He is responsible for parenting them. He's shirking his responsibilities.

OP, he's a selfish arse living in a society which views mothers as default and fathers' input as optional. He gets to welch on his responsibilities, you don't. I'm sorry, it's crap, but that's about the long and the short of it.

Original poster

Dgxx · 11/04/2024 15:16

Hi all, I wasn't expecting the reactions I've gotten 😅 he has always went to the gym, since I've met him which is over 10 years ago its perhaps I thought having a second child would maybe make him think on the amount of time he put into it. The nights out is new enough as pre baby it may have been 5 times a year.
I do get time to myself at the weekend and in fairness he is good with doing things around the house. He just seems to have changed since baby number 2 has been born. He of course wanted her this I do not doubt but I don't think he realised how different things would be. My daughter was very sick at 6 weeks old which put immense stress on us which hasn't helped as I think we are still both dealing with the trauma of it.
Anyway I appreciate the replies, I will discuss things with him and hope that changes are made otherwise I guess this is something I need to decide am I ok to put up with.
Thanks again.

OP posts:

darkchocolatecoffee · 11/04/2024 15:21

It doesn’t sound like it’s an affair then if he’s always done the gym for that long and 2 hrs is not that crazy however yes I agree it’s needs to adjust with 2 young children. I hope you manage to work it out

FirstFallopians · 11/04/2024 15:26

14 hours a week of free time? In the gym?

If he doesn’t have the physique of Chris Hemsworth after all that, I’d had serious serious doubts about where he’s spending his time.

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