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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is a relationship any good without LOVE ???

40 replies

AllYouNeedIsLove · 29/12/2004 12:44

Is there anyone out there who is still in a relationship but basically doesn't love their partner ??

I have been with my partner for 8 years now and i haven't loved him for a while now. He still loves me, he tells me all the time.

Anyway, i am trying to figure out if i should stay with him or not. I mean we get on ok, sometimes have a laugh, but other times he really annoys me etc....you know like men do.

We do have kids together and i feel selfish for thinking about upsetting their lives just because i have fallen out of love with their dad.

Can i go the rest of my life without love in my life i suppose is what i need to decide.

OP posts:

Twiglett · 29/12/2004 13:05

What do you mean by love?

Do you mean that romantic, can't get enough of the other person type love ..because that never lasts

Most relationships (ok not all, before I get shouted down) settle down into a deeper, less passionate one than they start with .. at least after the first couple of years .. a comfortable happy to be with each other type of love

if you don't even have that then maybe you do need to get out of this relationship .. that is NOT advice, I do not know enough about your situation to offer advice, its just a thought

Original poster

AllYouNeedIsLove · 29/12/2004 13:10

Thanks Twig

I think by love i mean feeling like you want to spend time with them, be nice to them, feel comfortable with them etc etc.

I know i don't mean romance anyway, that went ages ago.

OP posts:

blossomhill · 29/12/2004 13:17

I couldn't be a love less relationship to be honest. I know that I love my dh dearly and couldn't live without him and he feels the same about me.
Does your partner know how you feel?

Original poster

AllYouNeedIsLove · 29/12/2004 13:20

Well he must do as when he says he loves me i donot answer him at all and haven't for years.

Makes me sound like such a heartless cow i know.

He also worries alot that i will meet someone else and if i haven't got a permanenet smile on my face he thinks there is something wrong.

I feel awful because he isn't such a bad guy some of the time and he has been hurt before, but i am feeling more and more down about it all the time.

I could talk to him about it but at the end of the day i just do not love him, i know that for certain.

OP posts:

posyhairdresser · 29/12/2004 13:24

Do you think relate could help set things back on track?

Original poster

AllYouNeedIsLove · 29/12/2004 13:28

But going to Relate won't make me love him again will it ??

I don't fancy him either, although that isn't as important obviously.

OP posts:

Carla · 29/12/2004 13:30

Nope. But big hugs {{{{}}}}}

blossomhill · 29/12/2004 13:34

Unfortunately you cannot make yourself love someone. Hugs to you (((xxx)))

blossomhill · 29/12/2004 13:35

Fancying and sex is quite a big part I think tbh. I don't have the butterflies in my stomach that I had when I firt met dh but I love him and fancy him all the same.

posyhairdresser · 29/12/2004 13:40

Are there at least SOME things about him that you love?
And do you still have respect for him?

Original poster

AllYouNeedIsLove · 29/12/2004 13:51

I honestly can't think of one single thing i love about him and no i don't think i do respect him.
We are very differnt people and disagree about alot of things.

Our sex life is crap, because he can't seperate affection and sex and i am left feeling like a cheap tart most of the time.

Thanks for the hugs, i need them today.

OP posts:

Pineapple · 29/12/2004 13:52

My BIL feels like you do, about his wife and has done for a very very long time. This led to him having an affair 3 years ago. He is the salt of the earth type person and he ended up telling his wife and immediate family rather than being found out, he finished with his gf and him and his wife made the joint decision to stay together. The reason being not for love but because of their 3 children 11, 9 & 5. They make the effort to go out together but its usually in a crowd rather than just themselves. It is actually horrible to be in their company because all they do is snipe at each other. My BIL will never leave because of his kids but they will split up eventually when the kids leave home, although sometimes I wonder if they would be better split up now as the kids must hear the arguing that goes on. If you truly do not love your husband, then I don't think relate/marriage guidance will work for you, perhaps it is time to tell him and just see where you go from there.

KangaSantaMummy · 29/12/2004 13:56

how old are your children?

Original poster

AllYouNeedIsLove · 29/12/2004 13:57

Thankyou for sharing that Pineapple.

I often think people must find it hard to be in our compnay as we often snipe at each other. He makes me feel so small and stupid.

I also agree with what you have said about the kids. When i was a child my parents stayed togethjer for a while for the sake of myself and my brothers but i can honestly say i wish they hadn't bothered.

That said though, have i got the strength to put myself and the kids through all that and hope that we all come out the other side ok (dp included, i don't wish him an awful life)........i just don't know.

Pineapple the bit about the affair made me wince...why ?? because i know in my heart that that could be me one day, all because i want to feel loved.

OP posts:

Original poster

AllYouNeedIsLove · 29/12/2004 13:58

The kids are 7, 5 and 2.5 Kanga

OP posts:

KangaSantaMummy · 29/12/2004 14:06

that is hard how much do they understand how you are feeling?

can you remember what you liked about him at the beginning?

do you ever manage to go out as a couple?

Sorry i don't really have any advice but am sending cyberhugs {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

Pineapple · 29/12/2004 14:09

On AllYouNeedIsLove, you have my sympathy. Basically my BIl had an affair because he was in the need of love and affection, his affair was actually with his neighbour (a few doors away not immediately next door!) who used to babysit the kids. She was deeply unhappy with her husband and I think he used to walk her home and one thing led to another. She eventually tragically miscarried my BIL's baby which had thrown him into even more turmoil. I don't think my BIL and SIL will ever be happy together. They met at school and split up for a while, which according to my dh was the best thing that ever happened but her parents "engineered" the 2 of them getting back together and basically my sil and her family have ruled the roost in my BIL's life ever since, he is quite a quiet person who wouldn't say boo to a goose, thats why we were all gobsmacked that he had an affair. Please let me know if you want any more background. My heart goes out to you.

Pineapple xxx

KangaSantaMummy · 29/12/2004 14:10

sorry having read through previous comments mine are really stupid questions

sorry but still sending cyberhugs {{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}

Original poster

AllYouNeedIsLove · 29/12/2004 14:19

Don't apologise Kanga, they aren't stupid questions.

We never go out without the kids and tbh i don't want. The last time we did i was about 7mths pregnant with Ds and i felt very uncomfortable all night, not because i was pregnant but because i didn't want to be there.

Pineapple - Things sound very hard for you BIL . Thankyou for telling me though, it has helped

I think the other thing that stops me finnishing it is that i'm scared i'll be on my own forever more then. Or even worse, end up in a worse relationship than i'm in now.

OP posts:

hollybet · 29/12/2004 14:22

I left my husband a few years ago and took my three children with me. There were lots of reasons, but the main one was that I didn't wnat my children to grow up thinking that what we called a marriage was one, I wanted them to learn by example that mums and dads kiss and hug, they laugh together, ok sometimes they argue a bit, but then they apologise, and they enjoy being with each other.
If I had stayed and in twenty years time my children were in miserable marriages because that was how they thought that you behaved in a realtionship, I would have blamed myself. Children learn by example - I'm now in a relationship that I feel is one that my children could aspire to - if in twenty years time they have half of what I have now with dp they will be really fortunate adults.

I'm not saying leave, I'm telling you my opinions and putting forward a point of view - it took me many years to decide to leave and when I did, because of various other events, it was very very sudden - I dropped the two youngest off at school and then picked them up and told them we were now living somewhere else and not one of them asked why I had left. Looking back I wish I had done it years before.

Not usre if any of that helps, but sending you loads of hugs and sympathy

Pineapple · 29/12/2004 14:27

If you want to finish it - only you can make the decision that is best for you. My bil has made his decision but it is an unhappy one, and despite the kids I don't know if its the right choice he has made. It may take time to find someone else to love and cherish but it will happen, I think my BIL's gf could have been "the one" but she has moved away now and my bil has lost contact with her.

On another note my ex boss (aged 59) has just moved in with her boyfriend after meeting him on an internet dating site and a lovelier man you could not meet... Don't worry there is life out there.

Love Pineapple xx

Original poster

AllYouNeedIsLove · 29/12/2004 14:31

Thats nice to know Pineapple.

hollybet - Thanks for telling me that. It would be dp that would have to leave, the house is rented and i have no money to move out, so he would have to go.

I keep telling myself that if in 10 years time i am still in this relationship, all i will feel is regret.

You are right about shwoing the kids what a proper relationship is too, god knows what mine must think.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 29/12/2004 14:32

I don't know that Relate or similar can make you love your husband again, but they might help you explain what's wrong to him, and put you on good terms for splitting. I'd say a good divorce is better than a bad marriage, for both you and the kids. I gather they often end up fulfilling this role.

And who knows, maybe if you started communicating well with each other, you might manage to sort things out. I don't think love is made out of pixie dust, I think it's largely a question of respect and treating each other well.

hollybet · 29/12/2004 14:46

NQC is right about the good divorce bit - if you can manage to stay civil to one another and both of you retain some dignity through the divorce that would be great.

Have you discussed with him how you feel, or is he not a 'talking ' type?

Would he leave? that is why I had to go - the house was in joint names and he wouldn't!

and I think that Relate would be well worth a visit.

saintshar · 29/12/2004 14:47

My Mum and Dad raised me and my Sister in a loveless relationship. They are still together now, they have been together 33 Years.

My Dad still loves my Mum, but Mum doesn't love Dad. I do wonder if she ever did love him, i look back to even when i was very small, and i knew even then. They got together, and then my Mum got pregnant, then they got married. As we all know that happened a lot in those days.

When i talk to my Mum about it now, she says she stayed with him when my Sis and i where still at home, because she didn't want to upset or up-root us. By the time we had left home, she said she was too old to go then.

She says that she wishes she had left when we were younger - and to be honest, so do me and my Sister. We were always loved very much when we at home - still are. But living in that atmosphere all the time (you know what i am talking about) is very difficult.

You may think that you hide it from your kids, and that they don't notice, but i bet they do. Like others have said, there is only you that can decide what to do. You can keep putting obsticalls in your own way....where would i go, how would i cope, how will the kids react etc, etc..... but i just thought maybe you would like to see it from another angle - from the view point of your kids.

Please take care xxx

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