Struggling with husband's depression

[changedmyname24]

I'll start this by saying that I love DH very much, he's my only love & a great dad & I've always seen us being together forever. We've been together 24 years, married nearly 20. 3 DSes, 15, 13 (with SEN) & 10

Just lately DH has been struggling massively. He is fine when we/he are out & makes a big effort with the DC but sometimes I can tell it's hard for him. But in the house, and particularly when it's just us 2, he is hugely unhappy. Will sit with eyes closed, not talking, not doing anything, looking very blank & distant.

We have talked & he says that he wants to make the most of life because he is aware that we may not have long left, because his mum died relatively young (72) from dementia & he has heard of school friends dying. We are 46 & 47. So what he wants to do is sell our house & move anywhere, so we can be mortgage free & go on more holidays & not have to work. We have about 20 years left on the mortgage & some debts. Cannot remortgage because our credit score is poor, but improving & should be ok in years (we had a Debt management plan that we are paying off).

He has no real friends where we live & currently no job after being made redundant. He says he finds it hard to talk to people, although there are some friendships he could develop eg fellow football dads, some couples we both know & he is starting to get hints of work. I have lots of friends, a job I love (although not what I did degree & MA in) & parents round the corner. It seems to me that he resents this. Obviously if we move, none of us would have any if these things. I really do not want to move, nor do the DSes & I feel it would be very difficult & disruptive. I also am not sure it would actually make him happy.

If you have read all that, well done & sorry! But where do I go from here? How do I handle the tense atmosphere & him being so unhappy so much? It is bringing us all down 😔 I don't want our marriage to end but it can't stay like this!

Do not move anywhere. I have a friend whose husband did this, and they ended up with him more depressed than ever, her doing everything and living on benefits.

The problem is him and his depression, so it will just move with you.

They also sold a paid for house and the money got used up.

To be mortgage free AND not work AND go on a LOT of holidays means you will need a fully paid house and hundreds of thousands in the bank.

If he can come up with those type of funds then perhaps you can talk dream lifestyle

That's the trouble, he currently has no funds! We're (just) surviving on my wage, Universal Credit & DLA. This only adds to his feelings as obviously we can't have big adventures right now.

He is looking for work, but has said himself he is being very selective & only looking at one type of job that he wants to do. He keeps saying he will have to look further afield but this is accompanied with a big sigh & an evening of sulky silence or a night of not sleeping. His dream is to retire now, but I'm not ready for that at all!

He also seems reluctant to do anything to make the life we have better. He has started going for a walk every day, which is great. But it's the same route every day & he drags the boys along if I'm working, it's quite a boring route! So then they play up which upsets him. He has them every other Saturday when I work & won't do anything with them like drive to a country park or meet friends, so again they get bored & he doesn't like these days, they contribute to his unhappiness. I just can't see him embracing big adventures if he won't even go on a different walk!

This thought had occurred to me & scares me tbh.

If he gets a job, will it effect your UC?

His dreams are pie in the sky. Any money you could maybe release from downsizing would go to paying your debt first. You still have young DC's so downsizing is not what you need. A cheaper area to live means most likely money spent on commuting. Unless your house is worth a fortune and you will benefit by half a mil from selling- unlikely, you would of not needed debt management - you can't ever not work, have no mortgage and great holidays. I'm sure you know that he's a dreamer, you would not have got into so much debt in the first place if he was good with money.
He's depressed because he list his job, unemployment does that. Anybody in an ideal world would like his dreams, he knows the less he works the further away he ever is from being from living them. Some people manage it by retirement age, that is not an unrealistic aim for many, but even that is slipping further away due to his not working. Probably best thing for him would be to get back into the workforce ASAP, and see his GP for his depression.
It's a case of be careful about wishing your life away and not living in the present. Many who get to retirement are wistful over the family nurturing and working days and wish they'd appreciated them more at the time. Not being happy with what he's got is a him issue, he can't change the life he has, but he can change his attitude through therapy hopefully.

Yes, I'm sure it will. But from what I understand we should be better off earning than with UC. Also it makes me uneasy to be reliant on benefits. Although we currently get disabled child element plus carer element, so more than just a basic claim, I believe.

We live in the South East & our house is worth around £350k. We have about £150k left on the mortgage. So his idea is to sell up, pay off debts (about 10k) & buy a place up North for £150k. His family is from the Midlands, but he wants to go further north still as money would go further. I'm not convinced it's feasible. He can mostly do his job at home, but any in-house work would be most probably London or Manchester (TV).

sounds like the middle age man crisis , my DH has been there , took 4 years for him to behave like a absolute man child , playing the victim , depressed , questioning his life / purpose / choices , hes always put others ( i.e me and kids ) first and his needs second , YES he absolutely was depressed , could tick every box with that one , and like you still love him and support him as hes not been like this our whole relationship ,

That said , it is emotionally and mentally draining to live a life with someone who isnt taking steps and real effort to get better , like you he said moving was the solution , so we moved to a smaller more rural village , moved kids and literally everything i have ever known thinking this is the answer , NO IT WAS NOT ...... 2 years on and he was still in his depression but now we added anxiety and anger and talking to me like shit and verbally attacking me regularly.

Your lovely husband needs to seek help , and this must come from him YES it take effort to seek it as mental health service in our experience is shocking. He sucked the life and joy and happiness from me and when my mental health and my parenting and work was all being impacted through his behaviour I woke up and thought OMG this is my life !!!!!! IS this my life !!!!!!

I blurted out one day id had enough, i loved him dearly but i couldnt live like this anymore , and i cant fix him and i needed to think of my life and my happiness , that i was going to find somewhere else to live. SURPRISE SURPRISE husband of the year arrived and apparently hes self healed 🤔BUT 4 years of this shitty , selfish and victim behaviour tipped me over the edge.

I guess what im saying is , DONT leave it years , DONT push him for therapy, meds , gp or whatever HE NEEDS TO DO IT FOR HIMSELF , dont parent him , love and support and understanding is enough. get some counselling for yourself ( best thing i did to rant, cry offload , rationalise ect ) dont try and solve his issues , DONT feel guilty for being happy with your life !!!!! i kept saying to him im sorry your not happy with where you are in your life , but i feel very differently and happy with myself and where i am and am greatful for all i have and if i have a wobble i try to reflect and understand what is happening , if its work, kids , life whatever. I dont regret moving BUT didnt plan on having to move again so soon and certainly not with 3 little ones.

HE probably feels stuck , un motivated and has no sense of purpose or achievement at the moment , thats really hard BUT its not your role to sort this out , or you will end up like me making excuses and parenting him for years and years. Give him clear boundries , gp app within a month , counselling for a min of 6 weeks , ? medication , join mens group , increase his hobbies , re connect with friends , you get the picture . BUT with clear time scale , and that this needs to be initiated by him and that takes effort on his part. But be really mindful that you dont un intentionally parent him ( my brilliant counsellor identified that little gem id been doing for years ! ) or be his emotional punching bag or mental health counsellor or you will get sucked in and that becomes your role.

Good luck OP XXXXXXX

Don't move.

I remember thinking my depression would be much better and I would reinvent myself in a new place.

News flash: I did not and the depression got worse.

I would be clear with him that sorting his depression comes first before any family decisions are made (funnily enough I no longer wanted a career change once I wasn't depressed)

Also him moping and being unemployed is impacting you so he needs to pull his finger out.

Thankks
Its best to work but it can turn into a vicoucios circle

When we were younger, we had a large mortgae as we wanted to pay it off quickly - those days the taxpayers/gov paid the interest if you did not work. We joked about leaving and vclaiming benefits but the risk was getting used to it. Once we'd taken traveling costs, canteen costs etc our of our wages and working the bisci 40 hours we would have been better off financially not working. However, we did a bit if overtime as well and both of us average 50 hours a week. It was hard work and all go working often 6 days a week leaving home at 6 or 7 and back just after 6 and 7 pm

UC is not good IMO as it encourges employyers to pay lower wages and some do not want to work any extra hours as it would take them over the threashold

I've never wanted to work, always worked and really looked froward to the sunday as boht of us were often off work that day. So we cherished our weekends.

Having left work at just over 50, early retirment for both of us - at times we get mixed up what day of the week it is and bank hols and weekdns are nothing specially as it was but still good as our kids/ and their OH's either all work from home or at least not working on the weekend

I never thought I'd say this but going to work, the banter, thechallenges, see the money come is, having a lol and dealing with the problems and juggling around the three little kids we had was hard-work but it stopped me from dgetting depressed as i can do on dull, dark wet days but we are now blessed with GC's and time is taken up like that

Re you DH - he needs to work as IMO it builds up self-resct, worth etc and they rewards come along soon after if money is managed well and you get to meet new poplel, yes not all be nice but its worth it
No offence and I hope DH gets over it and gets a decent job, full time he likes to a good extent.

Good luck

Dont do it - the jobs are here and for your children and GC, the future has always been as far as i can recall, London and se.

To be honest, he's totally unreasonable to think living in the North mortgage free will solve all his problems. He's only 47 so any thoughts of retirement are way off in your financial circumstances. I'd be worried that he's restricting himself to the work he will do. Work means he has a sense of purpose, is contributing to the household and is a role model to his boys.
Is he not thinking about putting money away for driving lessons, University and pensions?
I think he's being very self centred, part of being a parent is gritting your teeth and just doing those things that need to be done. Look at it from your boys POV, being dragged out for a very unexciting walk everyday must be no fun at all! Has he asked if they/you want to move?

Thank you, you are mostly echoing my thoughts. That his ideas are not feasible & just hang in there, it will pass. I will ask him to go to the doctor but I don't know if he will.

He has seemed a tiny bit brighter today & that has been easier. I find it so hard & tense when he is so demonstrably unhappy 😔

@Sophie2024 your story sounds very similar! I'm sorry you are still going through it & that it is worse 😔

I think the hardest part is 4 years on he has finally owning his behaviour , genuine regret and for the first time ever said the words ' i dont want to be like this anymore '

My breaking point was when i was quite ill with sinusitis and really felt terrible , he was being a dickhead so i took myself to bed for an hour , came down to a hand in my face telling me to fuck off and that i treated him like a cunt , THAT was it !!!! I took him out of earshot from the kids and screamed at him how dare he talk to me like that and who does he think he is. i felt attacked and angry at myself to be treated like that , that was when i decided to move for my own safety and that of kids.

but now husband of the year is still in residence , he says he respects my decision and i need to do whats right for me 😯

what gets me is why do they push you to your limit them just stop ? hes been honest and said he might have a wobble but the most important thing is the accountability he now has.

OP just be mindful , my sweet dear kind humble DH of 23 years turned into a dickhead man child who verbally and mentally hurt me and I made excuse after excuse for his behaviour over and over because i love him.

were not separating , but i am going to living separate for a while with kids to try and rebuild my respect and trust for him and build my confidence and self esteem back to where it was.

Don't move . It sounds like you've a great support network where you are with family and friends . You've got a job you love - that's massive . He needs counselling and possibly medication for the depression. There's lots of counsellor online but you do have to pay . He needs his own job however small or at least some kind of interest . It's not fair to expect you to completely give up the things you enjoy just to accommodate him !

I feel for you, OP, my ex had long standing depression and I was always the one holding things together. We made a significant move and he thought the new place would "cure" him, of course it didn't and he ended up more depressed than ever with that realisation. Luckily it was a good move for me and our kids and it actually gave me the wherewithal to eventually separate. I had to emotionally separate from him first, which took a long time and required me to stop parenting him as another person commented or prioritising his needs every day. This required me to act in a way that felt cold or selfish but really it was necessary to save myself and my children as our whole lives revolved around his mental states.

It's been a number of years and I don't regret it at all. Ex DH is also better for it as being forced to look after himself rather than relying on and then resenting me made him grow as a person. He says this himself- we are still good friends despite our failed marriage.

So I agree with the others- dont move and jeopardise what is good for you and your kids on the hope it will help him.

You can’t move at the age your ds are.
The oldest is in the middle of their GCSE, then it will be the second. Then A levels etc….
It would be a really crap thing to do for them.

Then yes you’d find a nice house for £150~200k where I live.
But would that make him happier?
Would you really have less money issues and more spare cash to go away in hols? Remembering wages ‘in the south’ tend to be higher than ‘in the north’.

It sounds like he is looking outside to find a solution to not feeling right. That’s not going to work.

You might get a 3 bed, one being a box room for 150k, but it won't be in the best area or in the best condition. Even then it leaves you 50K up , but that's hardly 'give up work and chill' territory. A bit cramped for 3 DC's so more likely need a 4 bed dwelling and still need a smaller mortgage.
Can you do your job wherever?
Make no mistake also, I've lived down South and the thing about the NW is it rains, and rains .....a lot. You get used to it after a few years, but would you really want to have to?
Decent schools are in short supply, so again you pay a premium for a good catchment area so you'd unlikely be mortgage free.
Most people pay a mortgage at your age, so you're in good company, it's all an annoying but necessary part of life. He needs to deal with that. By all means sell up when you can realistically retire and the DC's have left home so can downsize. If he's worried about his mortality till then, he should keep a healthy lifestyle, exercise is good for the mind too, so just what he needs.

Don't budge an inch OP- my H goes through periods of depression but is actually a workaholic- however whenever depressed he resorts to the 'needing to move' - (and I'm embarrased to say how many places I've lived at times) the thing is wherever you move, your issues go with you- except you will probably have issues too then as well as him and without a network- you don't want to move so if he wants to stay married he needs to understand that- if he is in TV then it's way better to stay in South east. Encourage him to meet up and network- it's very network based business same as our industry , keep up to date, excercise, think sideways work wise too- even do a bit of voluntary etc in something appropriate - but as@Sophie2024 said in her great post- set deadlines and keep supportive but don't pander to his fantasy's- what he wants is impossible without vast amounts of cash reserves and I bet when he sees what you can get for £150k in areas he would consider- he isn't much going to be so keen either.

It sounds like your husband has had his confidence knocked after losing his job- coupled with having few friends and a disabled child at home must be very stressful for you both too

Unfortunately he is fantasising- absolutely do not move. He is being completely unrealistic, and he will remain unhappy in a new place where you will now be devoid of family, friends and the job you enjoy if you agree to this

Is he actually doing anything for his depression? You've mentioned the walking (which is a positive sign) - I would speak to the kids about not moaning on these walks, they sound old enough not to be whining and misbehaving. Is he getting extra help? Have you sat down and calmly explained that issues with his moving fantasy? I'd also talk about speaking to a counsellor/GP if he hasn't already (not in an expectation way, as this will be far too much for someone who is depressed, but in a 'I'm worried about you and hate to see you so miserable' sort of way)

I hope that your husband is able to seek help OP- please don't underestimate your own mental health in the process, and do lean on your support network if you need to. I wish you all the best of luck

I've just discovered the reason he is a bit cherie today. He's just presented me with a list of top places to live in the UK & proclaimed almost proudly that our village doesn't make it on there. No surprise, I'm not pretending where we live is perfect, but it's good for us!

On the other hand, when I suggested messaging a bloke he knows quite well to meet for drinks, he snapped at me & said he can't handle it 🙄

For now, I'm just letting him talk about it & hoping & praying it comes to nothing.

A bit cheerier not a bit cherie...

I'd suggest he moves to 'perfect northern town' on his own, once he is settled in work and has the house sorted you will follow with the boys.

OP, does he have any self awareness at all about the fact that he is probably clinically depressed?

Does he recognise the impact that his depression is having on your life, and your children's?

This is the starting point. He needs to recognise that there is a problem, that the problem is him, and he needs to go to the GP.