Struggling with husband's depression

[changedmyname24]

I'll start this by saying that I love DH very much, he's my only love & a great dad & I've always seen us being together forever. We've been together 24 years, married nearly 20. 3 DSes, 15, 13 (with SEN) & 10

Just lately DH has been struggling massively. He is fine when we/he are out & makes a big effort with the DC but sometimes I can tell it's hard for him. But in the house, and particularly when it's just us 2, he is hugely unhappy. Will sit with eyes closed, not talking, not doing anything, looking very blank & distant.

We have talked & he says that he wants to make the most of life because he is aware that we may not have long left, because his mum died relatively young (72) from dementia & he has heard of school friends dying. We are 46 & 47. So what he wants to do is sell our house & move anywhere, so we can be mortgage free & go on more holidays & not have to work. We have about 20 years left on the mortgage & some debts. Cannot remortgage because our credit score is poor, but improving & should be ok in years (we had a Debt management plan that we are paying off).

He has no real friends where we live & currently no job after being made redundant. He says he finds it hard to talk to people, although there are some friendships he could develop eg fellow football dads, some couples we both know & he is starting to get hints of work. I have lots of friends, a job I love (although not what I did degree & MA in) & parents round the corner. It seems to me that he resents this. Obviously if we move, none of us would have any if these things. I really do not want to move, nor do the DSes & I feel it would be very difficult & disruptive. I also am not sure it would actually make him happy.

If you have read all that, well done & sorry! But where do I go from here? How do I handle the tense atmosphere & him being so unhappy so much? It is bringing us all down 😔 I don't want our marriage to end but it can't stay like this!

I said to him that I might be prepared to move in the future, preferably once all the DSes have finished school. And said that the very soonest I would consider any kind of change like that would be after DS1's GCSEs, next summer. I think he understood. I genuinely am happy to think about moving once the DC are more grown up.

I'm also happy that in the meantime he is happier & making positive changes to his life here. We've been tidying up the garden a bit this morning & both feel brighter for making that small change & progress.

I think you are deluding yourself. He brightened up because he thinks you have agreed to his (stupid) scheme. Once something disappoints him or reminds him of real life again he will return to blaming everything and everyone for his midlife crisis.

While he is in s better mood I would start to talk to him about his responsibility for managing his moods, and being respectful of everyone’s needs in the family not just making plans unilaterally.

I think he will relapse back fairly soon. Be prepared.

A wise person once said to me ‘wherever you go, you take yourself with you’

moving is not going to solve your problems it’s just going to isolate you from your friends and family. Don’t do it OP.

and as ever this idealistic view of ‘it’s cheap up north’ is not correct, what are the kinds of areas you are looking at for £150k? Do you know them well?

Just read all of your thread OP how are things now?

Hi, thanks for asking.

Things are still pretty much the same in a lot of ways. DH is working the 15-hour per week job & likes it, but it is not enough in terms of time or money, really. It is also at school run times & the medical situation of DS2 has worsened to the extent that he has to be dropped off directly to a teacher & picked up & I have to deal with all this as DH is working. So I have to drop him at 8.50 then be at my work 20 minutes (in good traffic) away at 9! Luckily my boss is being very flexible but it is stressful. And most evenings I do 2 x school/club runs then come home & sort kids & dinner.

DH doesn't seem depressed any more as I think he has settled in to a routine. And he is no longer talking about moving. But he's not really happy either & our relationship is definitely suffering, we are snappy with each other & functional rather than loving. I get pretty much no help with anything around the house, which I have found myself resenting. The change in DS2's condition currently means there is a lot more to do & he cannot be left on his own.

DH has a job interview on Monday, so keeping everything crossed. If he gets it, it will mean he is home less & it is some evenings too, so more for me to do but the money would be nice & it would make him happy.

I can’t believe the pass he takes —with a part time job—when your child’s health and school situation is do complex. He really doesn’t think he has team responsibility at all! Its all about him. No wonder things are snappy at home.