AIBU about finances

[Slothmonkey]

I can't decide if I'm being unreasonable here but mine and DH's relationship hasn't been great recently so I'm feeling generally a bit glum about most things.
I earn ok and take home £3k a month after tax. Our joint regular direct debits (rent, council tax, utilities and routine childcare come to just shy of £2500). I tend to pay everything as soon as I get paid and then DH puts money in the joint account later in the month.

He earns between £1600 and £1750 a month but repeatedly tells me all he can afford to contribute is £600 which is basically half the rent, nothing else towards any other bills, childcare, food etc etc. I know he pays half of the car and his credit cards but even still I assume he is left with about £800 each month.

With the money I have "left over" I buy all the food for 5x people and dog, any additional childcare needed for school holidays which is often £££, all kids clothes, all presents for kids parties, fuel etc etc. I am nearly always left completely broke and it's really getting me down.
I have repeatedly asked him to contribute more but am simply met with his response is that £600 is that "all he can afford".

Am I being unreasonable? Is his contribution in line with his earnings? Am I being unfair?

Me and my partner have similar incomes to you two, I earn around £3000 after tax and he earns around £1600. We have lower outgoings though, no kids. I pay £1k into a joint account and he pays £700, this is for bills, food, couple activities and holidays. I also pay £900 towards mortgage. So I have around £1k left for personal/ savings, he has £900 left. I recently mentioned I was a bit worried about finances / spending and he immediately offered to pay more into the joint account if needed. Until now he has also been paying off some credit cards. Only mentioning this to say that he knows he has a good deal with me and single life would be more expensive. And your DHs resistance points to an issue whether that be gambling, lack or respect to you or basic ignorance of how much you are paying out each month.

can you approach it first in a joint / non confrontational way - find a budgeting app / website, or make one on excel and say you want to track your joint spending as you are confused about why you are always broke and want to get a handle on your finances?

I think @InWithPeaceOutWithStress has a good suggestion. It would be difficult to look at a list of all the family outgoings and conclude a £600 contribution is fair. Are the children his? I’m not sure it makes that much difference as he couldn’t even get a room in a shared house before bills for that amount but it might explain why you’ve shouldered so much more of the bills. Maybe he genuinely hasn’t realised living under a rock how much everything has gone up with COL. We pool resources and although we are better off than many people it’s now tight every month rather than feeling like we have spare cash - and my response as the lower, part time earner is I’ve got a second job which will give us another £1k a month - into the joint pot, not my pocket, because I’m not whatever the female equivalent of a cocklodger is!

Your husband is taking the piss. I'd tell him that you need to sell up and downsize due to costs and that there will no longer be space for him in the new home.

Thank you everyone, you've all been really kind but also have helped open my eyes.
I think a lot of you have hit the nail on the head - he simply doesn't want to share the burden. There are three children in our family. Two are his. My eldest son is from my previous marriage.

I don't want to sound like a martyr but I do do it all. All the bill paying, food shopping, appointments, booking and paying for holiday clubs and taking them there, all school pick ups and drop offs.
Up until last year he contributed £500 a month and it's only because I had a total meltdown about how stressed I was over money that he upped it to £600, albeit incredibly begrudgingly.

For example if I ask him to pick up bread / milk on the way home his instant response is that he's already given me money this month.
I also asked for half the months food shopping from him (I had to stick it all on my credit card). His share would have been about £200. He said no as he's already contributed. He seems to think that £600 covers everything.

Another gripe is holidays. He's quite happy to come along but when I asked him for £100 (half the accommodation cost) he said I was bleeding him dry and why should he pay when I earn way more.

Sorry that was a bit of a rant but I hope you can see what I'm up against on a daily basis.

@Fannyfiggs we rent. I wouldn't commit to buying with him. We discussed splitting but he said he wouldn't leave. Not sure what I can do - both names on the tenancy - private landlord.

What's the point of the marriage?

How on earth aren't you losing your shit over this OP?

Give notice to the landlord and move out. Leave DH behind to fend for himself.

@FineWordsButterNoParsnips my thoughts exactly

@BoxOfCats I am inside really. I don't want to leave the kids though. Trying to find somewhere to rent is super tricky where we are and also expensive.
I would rather he leave but I suspect he will refuse.

So you're also supporting his two children from a previous relationship?
For the sake of your own child I'd leave him so you have more disposable income to spend on them.

You're robbing your kids to pay to have a man? Time to stop being a passive bystander in your life, start the inevitable divorce, start looking for housing. The parasite can stay in the house if he wants, and pay for the rent himself 🤷🏼‍♀️

There must be a way to get him out. Is your rent contract on a rolling month to month? So you could just give notice? He can’t afford it on his own, so tell him you are looking for a rental and will be taking it, minus him.

OP, when he won’t even contribute towards food shopping, or family trips, he’s simply taking the p*ss.
My DH can be a real pain when it comes to money and yes a lot falls on me, but he will still go and grab some food shopping or pay for a meal out, and we don’t even share kids (each have from previous relationships). Your DH isn’t even providing for his own children.

You need to have a frank discussion that he either step up and start being fair, and providing for his children, or you split and good luck to him being able to afford somewhere to live on his own and paying maintenance. He needs a wake up call.

If you get to the point where you want to split, could you approach the landlord and let them know you’ve split but you will pay your half, and that you are willing to pay the full amount if the tenancy is solely in your name?

You need a similar amount left over each, how you get to that is up to you. DH was always the higher earner and paid more. He did end up with more fun money or whatever people want to call it but the amounts involved mean we are both fine. Are you actually married it’s just sometimes people use DP and DH quite interchangeably.

Can I ask how you got round this please moredrama if you can provide any advice. Obvs a DH willing to change would help I am in a similar situation and cant see it getting any better. Any kind advice appreciated

Download the MSE budget planner and ask him to print off his bank statements and credit card statements for the last 3 months, and you do the same, then you both sit down together and look at the finances, how much you need a month to budget and how much you should each be paying to cover that and have some left over.

He needs to be fully transparent about his finances, including any debts. If he won't do that then there is no future in it.

It sounds like you have 2 DC together and 1 from before? He needs to be pulling his weight properly.

Speak to the landlord, see if you can give notice on your current tenancy and can they issue you a new one just in your name only.

You need housing advice asap on how to get out of the tenancy agreement. Find out what your rights are. If you leave the house, because your name is joint on the tenancy, it's likely you'd still be liable to pay the rent. Your dickhead of a husband probably won't pay it just to screw you over. He'd be liable too but idiots like him don't care about that because he'll always land on his feet. He'll stay at a relatives or find another woman to financially support him. If he gets in debt with the rent then that could then affect your credit rating if the landlord gets a CCJ against you which will cause you problems accessing credit, mortgage, private rental.

It sounds from your updates OP that the relationship is over, regardless of the financial issues? I would certainly lose all respect for my partner is he did this. Any treats and holidays need to stop immediately, you need to build some savings up. He is leaching off you and your DC to fund the bookies- what a prince

I would urgently look in to leaving this man and how this would financially work. Have you looked in to whether you would be entitled to any benefits etc? You may not be as badly off as your fear once you're paying bills, food & other expenses based on 2 rather than 5 people. I appreciate housing costs are particularly awful ( I am in a very expensive area for housing too so I know it isn't easy) but if you stay, he will bleed you dry and you'll likely be in an even worse position further down the road

Talk about burying the lede! He's got you paying all his chidren's expenses.

LTB.

DH earns just over twice as much as me and he pays 2/3 towards bills and rent. And loans. I pay the other 1/3. Recently I’ve got a car so I pay for all of that and he’s on my insurance. He’s paying for our old shared car. He has always made it so we have the same spending money left over. We halve shopping

@Lauren1987sb Sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation. It’s very difficult.

We started with a review of bank accounts and details of credit card balances.
Once we went through it DH had a wake up call of the excessive amount he was gambling and set himself a small budget for it and only does it through the bookies now rather than online.
His other spending is still not under control but it was more the gambling that alarmed me.

Its really hard because you see some progress and start to relax, then something else comes up and you’re back to square one.
For me a lot of the trust was based on him initially showing me bank statements and giving me his credit card. I later found out he had gotten another credit card and been racking up more debt.

So my advice would be that he needs to show you his bank statements and credit card statements, so you can see where the money has gone, then agree a payment plan and budget for going forward. Check the statements every month after that to make sure he’s sticking to it. If he really wants to fix things then he will agree to this, but just be prepared for some set backs as it’s hard to break old habits

Thanks everyone for your help.
So I devised a new budget where he contribute more but by pooling money it would work out that we actually have £600 each "fun money" or whatever you want to call it, after all bills and food.
I thought this was fair and by far I am still contributing the lions share - over 50% more than him which I'm totally happy with.

His reply was that he can't possibly do that. I'm just here to bleed him dry (ironic much!) and there's absolutely no way he will consider it.
I think that told me pretty much all I need to know and so now I need to take steps to get out of this 'relationship'.
Just to clarify as some people asked - we are married and we have 2 children together. I have one older son from a previous marriage.

We private rent but I'm not sure if I can unilaterally end the tenancy? He's already told me he won't leave but I know he cannot genuinely afford to stay here alone.

I'm just here to bleed him dry (ironic much!) and there's absolutely no way he will consider it.

I'd say casually, 'Ok. Well I'm not going to keep supporting you, so I'm not sure where you can go from here'.

He's already told me he won't leave but I know he cannot genuinely afford to stay here alone.

'Ok. Will you be taking over the tenancy as a single man then? Only the landlord wants to know. I'll be speaking to him about getting my name removed from the tenancy, if you want it'.

Any other comments from him, just laugh. And say, 'Mate. I earn £3000 a month. I'll be fine, don't you worry. Particularly without a cocklodger sponging off me'.

Gloves off, OP. He's been happy to take you for a mug.

Thank you @Hatty65. That's how I need to be I've just got a bit pathetic being so bogged down by all this.