Help I feel so ashamed

[L0v3menot]

I feel so ashamed of myself, upset and used. I broke up with my partner (been with a long time) and it was due. I feel like a weight has been lifted however a few months prior to this breakup, a coworker showed an interest in me. Since that day, we had been in constant contact everyday. Until this week, when I stupidly decided to sleep with him. I told him I only wanted fun because I don’t have the capacity to be anything else. he was happy to do this, even asking if I was seeing others which I thought was weird but went with it.
he sent a few texts over the weekend but since starting work this week hasn’t text me. Has been ok at work but I feel like even though I only wanted fun. I just feel so used and ashamed I let someone into my life to do that. I guess I wanted to at least have some form of continued communication but it just feels like I’ve been used and chucked out and if it wasn’t for work I’d never hear from him again. But I’m thinking what’s wrong with me and that I’m never going to find anyone. It’s really knocked my confidence and I feel so stupid.

if this has happened to anyone else. Please tell me how you got through it because my self right now is so low.

I think you asked for fun and hopefully you had it in that moment?

There is nothing wrong with you but I have found when you’re raw from a break up people/men can sense that & you may do out of character things.

I reckon dust yourself off, mark it down as a loss and enjoy some space from men.

You told him you wanted fun which means casual sex and that’s what happened. Soo ok don’t feel used - it was a mutual consensual hook up.

Theres nothing wrong with you, you’ve just realised that it’s not really what you’re looking for.

Maybe take time away from dating/sex to heal and understand what you really do and don’t want for your next chapter.

@opentoadvice88 and @SamW98 i know you are right but I guess I miss the texts because they brought a smile to my face in such a dark time I’m having and to go from full on to nothing is hard and just made me feel like really used. The only other thing I could think was did he want more and because I said only fun he’s backed off because of that but I think if he did he’d still message me.

That’s totally understandable OP but be careful not to just fill the ex boyfriend void with this guy or the next. Fill the void with your own life & without validation from others.

i know it’s so easy to say btw! I went through similar and made really daft mistakes. Perhaps give yourself 6months completely single. No texting, dating, apps, nothing.

If it’s meant to be with this chap, it will be but now isn’t the right time and you recognise that.

You did tell him you only wanted some casual fun, maybe he thinks it would be a bit much to be in touch every day again after you slept together if you don't want a relationship.

Chalk it up to experience, don't let this make you feel bad about yourself. Casual sex isn't for everyone, and it's ok if it's not for you.

Yes op the exact same thing apart from we hadn't agreed it was meant to be causal
I'd split up with my h and colleague and I struck up a regular pattern of banter for about 4 months , I'd even asked him to leave me alone as it was getting too intense, spent literally hours every day talking .... then ended up sleeping together .. agreed to see each other again ... he did the slow fade
I was furious
I'd known him for years
Still have to work with him and we never speak now .
I felt like such an idiot, it totally battered my self confidence and I haven't really got it back even over a year later

@opentoadvice88 i know you are right which is why I didn’t want to pursue anything more. I guess I find it hard to fill the void and be by myself. My thoughts run away with me.

how did you get through this time on your own and find inner happiness? If you don’t mind me asking.

@aesopsgables i guess it’s just a shock to be ignored when you’re used to the attention and also casual isn’t just a one time thing. If he only wanted it one time, he should have just been honest.

@solice84 im so sorry you have been through this. Why do men do this over so long, like you think they’d give up after a few weeks or a month but 4 months! i hope you’re ok though.
tbf at the moment he still talks to me at work, comes into my office and sits with me at lunch but the way he is around me has changed. He used to ask me to lunch and now he doesn’t. I’m waiting for that to be faded out lol. I’ve just got this horrible feeling he’s going after another girl at work now which I think is even worse.

I had a similar experience, months of intense flirting, messaging, chatting about everything under the sun, meeting for coffee a couple of times, then we shagged and that was it, he was gone. I felt stupid, humiliated and used. I thought we were leading up to a relationship, not just one shag.
You're not on your own!! Concentrate on making yourself happy now, don't rely on another person to bring a smile to your face.

I listened to a lot of podcasts 🤣 One called Love is Coming was a bit airy fairy in parts but one bit of advice I loved was becoming the type of person you want to date. Literally write out what you want in a partner and see if those apply to you.

I didn’t know it at the time but I was waiting to be rescued/have that void filled but something switched & I started doing things alone. Simple things like cinema, mini break, even getting myself meal cooking kits meant for 2 (I just had the other portion for lunch). Borrow a dog was great for me too and I decided to challenge myself on hiking up a load of tors.

I felt immense freedom when I got to the stage where my life was fun and easy. Once your life is great, you won’t accept anything less that perfect in a partner. I was single for 2 years in the end (mid thirties & peak covid!) and now very happily married.

Oh and the Divorce Club is a great podcast too! Fill your brain for a bit x

You told him you wanted fun and you both (hopefully) had your fun. You now feel used because of the lack of contact but it also sounds like you used him and wanted to continue using him by receiving his daily texts because they made you smile. Maybe he didn’t want to be used

You could be right
I heard just 3 weeks after he faded out that he had a new girlfriend

No need to feel ashamed. It sounds like maybe deeper down you didn't want just fun but to feel cared for. Sometimes we don't know what we're really looking for especially after a big change. You will be okay x

I think what pissed me off the most is that he didn't seem to even want to be friends with me anymore , like I wasn't even good enough to talk to anymore after all those months of intense contact and all the years of knowing each other beforehand .

now being married for a long time, this is going way back, but omg, when I was dating, did this happen to me tons of times! Many people just want a bit of causal fun and then once they’ve had it go off you. It used to make me feel used and sad too, but there’s nothing you can do about it. Move on and don’t take it personally. To be fair, I had my share of doing that to men too - usually because I just didn’t fancy them enough to see them more than once or a few times. And not to say that feeling was logically related to how nice or attractive or whatever the person was, sometimes it was but other times it was just a matter of circumstances. Also your own psychological MO, I used to only be attracted to arrogant and unavailable assholes and be put off by genuinely nice (and in some occasions even rather handsome) men! So don’t think this man’s rejection of you is any reflection of your worth. It’s just the dating/causal sex game, it can be tough so it may not be the right time for you to engage in that stuff when you’ve just come out of a relationship and feel vulnerable.

Maybe he feels awkward talking to you in a casual way after you’ve been intimate and if it’s clear nothing more will happen? That would be quite a natural reaction

@opentoadvice88 I’ve heard this before, be the person you want to attract and also do things to make room for a new partner when you are ready.

The doing things solo scares me. At the moment, I enjoy company. I love being with friends and family but feel sad by myself.

im 38 so hoping I can sort myself out before 40 lol.

@Coconutter24 i kind of did and kind of didn’t use him. I do like him as a person and enjoy his company, but with everything going on (selling house, buying new one, child care, legalities etc) I didn’t want to commit to a relationship or even just seeing how it goes because my head isn’t in the right place so I didn’t want to hurt him if I needed to back off. I feel bad because my exact words were ‘I don’t want to be with you, I just want to have fun’. After I did think maybe I should have said for now. But I can’t change it and I’m sad because I used to love his texts and calls and things and now it’s all gone so o feel a bit like he got what he wanted and now he’s not not bothered and I feel stupid for going there.

I think I've been thinking about it more today as I didn't expect to see him but he came in the office when he wouldn't usually , for some reason today my mood just tanked when I saw him .

You're really vulnerable emotionally right now so it sounds totally normal to feel icky over this latest encounter. Just back away from this one it sounds like.

I second the podcasts. You could use this time as the perfect opportunity for 'growth' ( cheese I know) but these times are exactly when the greatest growth can happen! I love real life podcasts. Esther Perel has some good ones from real life couples therapy ( she's a renown therapist). If you like stuff like that. I just loved it. I learnt so much.

You can do this. Just give yourself some space from guys for a while

@Goldfishonabike I am so with you on the whole only attracted to assholes lol. In my early 20’s this was so me, really lovely guys liked me and I wasn’t interested. Only wanted the ones who weren’t as into me.
i also agree about the casual sex as in sometimes it’s just you don’t see it going further, also done this with guys but both felt the same. One guy was actually really good looking, good in bed but personality wise we just didn’t click so it would never have worked in a relationship but with this guy we’ve been talking for months and not just sexy stuff but about life and other things and some things have been quite deep. So to me, it’s just the level he’s gone to just for sex. My thinking is either I wasn’t good in bed lol or he wanted more and I said I didn’t and he’s not sure how he feels about it.

@solice84 I think in a work setting if they don’t even bother talking to you, it can be so awkward and horrible. I’m sorry he made you feel that way. I called my guy out on it and he said nothing has changed but I know it has so I just think it is what it is and I need to work on my own happiness not trying to find it in other people.

You feel bad now, you're in the 'what the hell did I just do that for' stage.

Just fake it till you feel better - you will in no time.

Chalk it up to experience and a rebound shag.

One day you'll be glad you lived a little.

At least you had a bit of fun and bagged a man you fancied 😉