Help I feel so ashamed

[L0v3menot]

I feel so ashamed of myself, upset and used. I broke up with my partner (been with a long time) and it was due. I feel like a weight has been lifted however a few months prior to this breakup, a coworker showed an interest in me. Since that day, we had been in constant contact everyday. Until this week, when I stupidly decided to sleep with him. I told him I only wanted fun because I don’t have the capacity to be anything else. he was happy to do this, even asking if I was seeing others which I thought was weird but went with it.
he sent a few texts over the weekend but since starting work this week hasn’t text me. Has been ok at work but I feel like even though I only wanted fun. I just feel so used and ashamed I let someone into my life to do that. I guess I wanted to at least have some form of continued communication but it just feels like I’ve been used and chucked out and if it wasn’t for work I’d never hear from him again. But I’m thinking what’s wrong with me and that I’m never going to find anyone. It’s really knocked my confidence and I feel so stupid.

if this has happened to anyone else. Please tell me how you got through it because my self right now is so low.

@Pantaloons99 i know you’re right. I think it’s harder to let go because I work with him and see him regularly and he still talks to me nicely.

you grow the most in your darkest times. I know this. I know I will get there, it’s just so hard.

You did nothing wrong, OP, but you’re very raw at the moment so be kind to and protective of yourself.

Do you miss the texts, him or is the void that comes with a breakup something you are finding hard at present?

You have done nothing to be ashamed off. Nothing. Nada.

You were clearly very clear with the co worker on what you wanted and now that the deed has been done, you feel you want to go back to how things were, right?

He may feel a tad awkward. He may not know how to casually go about things now, men are also thinkers and also crave that sort of connection. Text that is.

Find out why this is rattling you so much.

Is it the fact that you feel you like the co worker? you hoped it would become something, even if its premature?

Or are were you filling a void that was missing in your previous relationship by texting this co worker prior to the split? And now that you are not getting this attention you feel bad?

@HopeFloatsAbove i don’t know is the answer. I can’t give him more than fun because I have too much going on with this breakup, we also have a child and I can’t bring new people into her life yet.

i like him as a person, i like spending time with him but i don’t want to hurt him if I need to back off.

i should have said I only want fun for now until I’m settled and things have calmed down but I didn’t and now I don’t know what he’s thinking.

I text him and said I felt things had changed and did he just want to be friends as I didn’t want things to be weird at work and he said, things aren’t weird and nothing has changed but I’m not convinced.

Ew. So if she was a new gf presumably they were seeing each other when he shagged you. I mean you don't become bf/gf overnight. You see each other a good few times right?

So he thought so much of her that he was still shagging around. What a prince.

I feel his response is he likes you.

It sounds like you are well in tune with what you need right now and that is good. Breakups are tough. Take his honesty in his text as valid, and then perhaps invite him out for coffee, or a stroll, and you will then see if he is just all words or if he means what he said in his text.

You have not done anything wrong, you are just living life. Its allowed.

Yeah, I was scared too and then it became the norm.

It’s a good project & deadline to have. Just look at all the dead end relationships people post about on here. You’re free!

You’re more than entitled to decide what you want and don’t want in your life but equally so is he. He doesn’t have to carry on whether it stopped cos he felt used or just didn’t want to continue having fun that’s also his prerogative, he gets to decide what he wants in his life. You basically said in your first line you used him maybe he used you also but that’s just something you’re going have to move on from now

OP - the fact you used the words ‘I don’t want to be with you, I just want to have fun’, you pretty much said to him you’re looking for a no strings shag.

So you might feel horrible now but i don’t see his he used you when you told him that’s what you wanted.

Maybe it’s a sign that either it’s too raw for you and you’re not really ready to move on yet or that no strings sex isn’t something you can do.

Either way write it off as a lesson learned and don’t waste time dwelling .

Bloody hell. You tell him you don't want to be with him (your exact words) and then wonder why he's pulled back on the flirting? He would be a glutton for punishment of he carried on as he had been.

@DaniMontyRae i know, i don’t know why I didn’t say for now whilst everything is going on.

OP, you have no reason to be ashamed. Don't second guess what you should or shouldn't have said, he actually listened to what you told him and you were clear what you wanted.
It's a bit unfair now to want him to keep on texting and chatting but l do get it as the attention was probably addictive!
Reframe it that you had fun with a guy you fancied and now move on and decide what is right for you at this time. He's told you it's not weird or awkward at work so accept that and be friendly and cheerful when you do see him in the workplace.

Don’t be hard enough on yourself. Plenty have found fun/casual doesn’t suit them after the event. I think in some ways that kind of set up is harder to navigate than a relationship because we generally have the same expectations of relationships. There are so many variables with casual it could take so much discussion to ensure you’re on the same page you could talk the fun out of it.

He might not have dropped you. He might want to have sex with you again just not yet. He might think,as you want casual, the texting is pointless and you’ll just let him know when you want sex again. The way things are might be what casual means to him.

That kind of sexual tension can be very exciting, intoxicating...almost a bit addictive. Once you cross the line, the dynamic often changes. Sounds like it was a lovely distraction for you, especially if that's been lacking for a long time...and now you really miss it. I guess you only said what you said because you couldn't see a future in it because if where you're at, but thought you would enjoy it in the here and now. And that's perfectly fine. But actually I wonder whether things would be different now even if you hadn't said that. Maybe just focus on yourself and your responsibilities for now, play it cool and see what happens in the future...

@Bluestarling I agree
I get the feeling that even if you hadn't said you couldn't offer a relationship right now, and had wanted a relationship, it would have turned out the exact same way . And then you'd feel even worse .

Exact same thing happened to me at the weekend. Not heard from him since. I really miss the flirty messages. And its such a confidence knock - was it really that bad?! That he never wants to contact me again? Going over all the scenarios in my head of what I said and did. We were both up for a bit of fun, nothing serious. But just to be completely ghosted is a kick in the teeth. This is my first bit of fun since marriage break up and its just left me feeling deflated and sad. I've went from hero to zero in the space of a week 😁

@Emergencygarlic i feel your pain so much. Exactly the same. Was I that bad he doesn’t want anymore? He text me after the same day about three times to say he had a lovely time but the day after his texts started getting less and less and unless I text him he doesn’t text back. I mean why pursue someone for 2 months for just one time. I hate men right now lol

Why wouldn't they do it? It's hardly a hardship to make the working day pass a bit faster with some flirting and to send a few messages to a woman they want sex with. They're not spending their every moment thinking about it and working on it, it's moments from their day and the reward is good. I think you've made the error of thinking the persistence indicated a strong level of interest, and in the nicest possible way, thought it would be you who held the cards and could say when and how much 'fun' was to be had, and he would keep up with the attention in the hopes of that. I don't think you've been used, I think he just took you at your word.

@5128gap it wasn’t just the working day though, it was the weekend, he’d call me aswell. He actually told me he liked me a lot and couldn’t wait to spend more time with me. It wasn’t just flirty texts either. I mean he sent me a really emotional song the other week which made me cry. It was much more than just flirting. That’s what I don’t understand, the effort he put in to him just cutting me off other than work does not make sense.

I knew mine was a fb, but I didn't expect him to be THIS brutal! I messaged him after and he was chatting about 'next time', and again I messaged him couple of days later, still same vibe. But since then, silence. And I'm not instigating another message. Why say 'next time' if you have absolutely no intention of meeting again? I deleted all the messages in case the kids picked up my phone, now left wondering if it was all just a big dream. 😛

Same situation here although happened nearly a month ago now. Met online, both looking for casual. 2 nice dates, constant messaging (mostly instigated by him, probably to make sure I had no time to talk to others in hindsight), then dtd on date 3.

In his messages he would often talk about how we would have amazing sex and I guess it didn't live up to his expectations (it was awkward to start with but that was on both our parts and to be expected first time surely?)

He messaged with the same frequency after, checking I was ok, having a good day etc but the tone has changed, no mention at all of the sex, and he didn't mention meeting again. After 3 days I invited him to a football match I was going to, he said he would let me know and then 2 days later the messaging just tailed off and he never did let me know about the footie

It was my first online dating experience but I'd read up on slow fades/ghosting etc, so although I felt bruised and disappointed I was prepared.

@TheSleepingGiant yes we had some quite raunchy messages at times about what we’d do to each other and to be honest it wasn’t that great but I just thought first time, it was in the day aswell. I think for me though it was the fact it felt more than just sex with some of the conversations we had and how he used to talk to me so I feel like I’ve lost a friend as well.

im petrified of online dating for this reason.

I guess some guys just love the thrill of the chase. I think really I need to look for the red flags from the start and just stay away.

Update on this. So I text him last week to ask if he was feeling better as he didn’t look good the day before and he said he’s been feeling down but then I didn’t hear from him again so I left it and thought own fault for saying I only wanted fun and he’s probably now not interested.
anyway comes into my office today and says sorry for not texting he was really down and pissed off last week, doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings. He is feeling like he’s left things too late in life etc. has been much more friendly today but not sure if I’m reading into this or if he actually really likes me and if I should tell him I do too, I just can’t commit right now with everything going on.