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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Chated Again.. S hould I Stay?

61 replies

How2003 · 09/04/2024 16:04

First time posting, ill try keep it short!

So in 2021 we had finished 4 years of IVF with no sucess, I then find out he is having an affair? (texting and meeting another woman) we got back together and I got pregant naturally! Fast forward to June 2023, we got married, I then dicovered a secrete tik tock account he used to search for the woman from 2021 and various other women and vidoes. From November he had been speaking to and meeting with my friend who is also married, buying her gifts and offering to take her out for lunch with her child. He has said it was just friendly but I did find a naked sunbed photo of her on his phone. He has apologised for runing everything, for not making me a priority and swears he will never do anything to hurt me again if I give him a chance, he has been going to councelling and I have been attending marriage councelling with him also.... my question is, what would you do? Would you stay or leave?

OP posts:
IAmABogWitch · 09/04/2024 16:53

swears he will never do anything to hurt me again

He will if you stay.

Zanatdy · 09/04/2024 16:53

No I absolutely wouldn’t, I’d raise my bar and walk out of his life before it does it again, and again.

AyrshireTryer · 09/04/2024 16:54

That friend is no friend.
That husband is no husband.

Saintmariesleuth · 09/04/2024 16:55

I wouldn't be giving him a second chance. He blew one chance and has continued to lie and cheat- he cannot be trusted

I'm sorry OP, I'm sure this is all awful for you

I would speak to solicitor and plan how best to leave for me and my DC

Newtrix · 09/04/2024 16:57

Leave without hesitation

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/04/2024 16:57

15 years ! and ( only ) twice that you know about ?!!!

was your pregnancy successful ?

He doesn't deserve you and he won't change.

and I am not sure about this ' friend ' of yours.

but then my loyalty would be to my friend and not to my friend's husband.

pinkyredrose · 09/04/2024 16:58

He'll do it again. There could easily be lots of other times you don't know about.

Avatartar · 09/04/2024 17:00

Don’t waste another second of your life on this user

Riverlee · 09/04/2024 17:00

He’s a rat!

shutthefd · 09/04/2024 17:11

Look at it another way.. you've already wasted 15 years on this man. Don't waste a minute longer, he's never going to change. Pack his bags or yours and go and live your life!

MsDogLady · 09/04/2024 17:15

…swears he will never do anything to hurt me again if I give him a chance.

Pure lip service and manipulation. You’ve already given this serial cheat chance after chance. He has shat all over you through IVF, pregnancy/birth, and marriage. Having his wonderful baby in his life hasn’t made a bit of difference, and he is currently pursuing and receiving nude photos from your so-called friend.

@How2003, he thrives on illicit thrills and will never change. You are harming yourself by staying with this player who has no true loyalty, fidelity or integrity.

HappyMe6 · 09/04/2024 18:19

id be gone love the first time simply cos I’m worth more!

unsync · 09/04/2024 18:19

I was with my abuser for nearly 25 years. Leave. Better late than never. I had assistance from Women's Aid. Their support was very helpful.

zeibesaffron · 09/04/2024 20:52

I would leave - how many more times will he do this? He is a total twat please find someone who treats who in the way you deserve x

MMadness · 09/04/2024 21:15

Umm. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on you.

Surely you can see the pattern?

Pack his stuff up and send the naked sunbed photo to your friend's husband.

HopeFloatsAbove · 09/04/2024 21:40

I really feel for you OP. In a really short time things have been really tough by the sounds of things.

The pressure doing IVF is enormous and rather than be faithful to you he does the dirty, then offers marriage as a compensation in my opinion. Now he does it again, WITH YOUR FRIEND, a complete lack of respect, again, by both.

The thing is he was able to offer marriage last time, now what is he offering?

He is showing you loud and clear that he cannot be trusted. You will always be wondering what he is doing, at least for the next few months. Its so hard to forgive something like this. Also, what is this teaching your DC about relationships? And dont get me started on this so called friend. Is she playing a victim? They normally do.

These are well thought out actions, not just some accident. Well thought off and he is now sorry.

Where is your limit if he does it again?

Would you rather be hurt due to a breakup or devastated due to the emotional impact further betrayals may be coming. If you had not found out, I take it you did, would he have casually told you? Or carried on? That is telling you a lot on its own how remorseful he is, or isnt.

BirthdayRainbow · 09/04/2024 21:47

Sometimes people cheat and it really is a one off.

You'll get pages of people saying you shouldn't have stayed the first time, he will do it again etc.

Do you love him still? Do you feel he is genuinely sorry? What do you want to do? For you, not the kids.

If you want to stay, stay but make sure he knows how you truly are feeling.

If you want to leave then leave and it doesn't matter what he says. You don't need his permission to leave.

Churchview · 09/04/2024 21:51

swears he will never do anything to hurt me again if I give him a chance

You have already given him a second chance and he did hurt you again.

This sounds horrible for you OP. I hope you find happiness without this feckless man.

savethatkitty · 09/04/2024 21:52

I'm sorry to say, he's cheated twice that you know of. I'm willing to bet there's been a lot more over the years you just haven't caught him. I'd leave.

MyMcMuffin · 09/04/2024 21:54

I think if you have to write a thread on here and ask, then you probably know the answer, you just don’t want to believe it.

Pastryapronsucks · 09/04/2024 22:22

I think once chance is enough. IVF is tough, and it may be that infidelity was his reaction to that stress (not that I am suggesting it was OK).

What is his reason now? He saw how much his first infidelity hurt you, and yet he has CHOSEN to do it again, and this time with your 'so called' friend.

No way I would give a third chance.

WishesPromised · 09/04/2024 22:22

If you can leave, the leave. Staying will destroy your self esteem and mental health.

Original poster
How2003 · 10/04/2024 10:36

Thank you everyone, he is having a hard time accepting that it is over and is doing absloutley everything for me, he did initally move out yet came back as his 'mental health' was bad! After a few weeks of antics I saw through this and called the police/abmulance each time/threat. This has stopped now. We have sold the house and awaiting a move date. I think im just sorting somewhere for me and DS and going once sorted as he will not accept its over and is begging for another chance.

OP posts:
Validus · 10/04/2024 10:40

Sorry to hear it’s tough. It’ll get better

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 10/04/2024 10:41

Good for you. He and his Willy can run free now.

Its probably less fun though now he’s single and having to look after a home, a child and cook etc. much more fun when the wife does all of that and he can crack on seeing other women.

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